episode 136: stop letting clothing sizes ruin your body confidence
On episode 136 of The Diet Diaries I’m talking about clothing sizes. More specifically, I’m discussing why this number has become central to our identity and what to do about it.
What we wear plays a huge role in how we feel about ourselves, yet what we wear is often dictated by the tag in the back of the pants. We’ve learned to assign so much meaning to that number and it is drastically impacting our mental health and well being and body confidence.
As always, I share a personal story around my own work with clothing sizes and how I shifted my mindset along with two key skills that are game changers for helping you feel less stressed about shopping and improve your negative body image.
In this episode you’ll hear:
Why we can’t rely on clothing sizes for our happiness
The issue with variation between styles and brands
The ah-ha moment I had when shopping
How to be more neutral about clothing sizes
The most important things you need to pay attention to when shopping and getting dressed
For more resources and support around body confidence, check out this blog post and listen to episode 134 and episode 127 of The Diet Diaries.
Also this post by one of my favorite bloggers, Caralyn Mirand Koch, does a fantastic job talking through clothing size ranges and size inclusive retailers. Caralyn was a guest on episode 123 of The Diet Diaries.
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[00:00:00] Hey everyone, it's episode 136 of The Diet Diaries. Today's episode is going to air on Monday, July 17th, and I'm recording it on Wednesday, June 28th. I, you guys know, I always share that sometimes I'm getting a little bit of ahead because we're gonna be away, and if you've been listening then you know, I actually had the podcast take a little vacation the week I was on vacation on July 3rd, just because I really did not have enough time.
[00:00:29] To get an episode out. Um, Ben is out, obviously out of school and his. Activities and camps before we went away were like, not, didn't take up much of the day. I'm used to him being in like full-time day camp for the last six years. Um, but we're not doing that this year. We're doing some different things.
[00:00:48] So my schedule and routine has been very off. So anyway, just a little peek into, um, my life that nobody asked for. So here's what we're gonna talk about today. We're gonna talk about clothing sizes. So, And why this is such a triggering thing for us. I'm gonna give you some skills that you've heard me talk about before, but we need to hear these things, as I always say, a million times, um, or at least more than once before they start to sink in.
[00:01:16] And just as like a sidebar when it comes to that, more is not always better, right? Like when you listen to this podcast, you'll hear me repeat things and say things more than once and talk about skills over and over again, because giving you. I'm constantly giving you something new to think about, actually isn't helpful, right?
[00:01:33] It just sometimes creates more stress. More is not always better. Um, having things that are useful and simple are better. Hearing things more than once and repetition and at different times and in different places and in different contexts is helpful. So just keep that in mind. Um, I feel like we're always thinking the next thing is gonna be the thing, the next skill, the next podcast, the next post, the next story.
[00:01:55] And that kind of leads us, I think, to a lot of, like the FOMO that we have, especially around social media. This is something I struggle with, but the reality is that you already know the things that are going to help you. It's just a matter of actually doing it and putting it into practice, which is, you know, again, like kind of a separate topic, but so, I actually kind of got the idea for this podcast.
[00:02:18] I mean, this is something I've talked about at length for a while now, but, um, about a few weeks ago I was in the city and I went to anthropology because the anthropology, I went to the one, um, at Chelsea Market. If you know that store, it's like a really big nice store. Anthropology's one of my favorite places, so I went.
[00:02:35] Okay. And I've been looking for a pair of kind of like wide leg cropped white jeans. If you follow me on social media, you'll know that I ordered a pair from Splendid about a month ago because I have a pair of cropped wide leg jeans and a denim from them that I love, that I've talked about are one of the most comfortable pair of jeans that I own.
[00:02:52] So when they came out in white, I was like, awesome. And I. I am. Their biggest size they offer is 31, but they're cut very big. So the 31, I'm usually like a 32, sometimes a 33 depends on the brand. This 31 was cut like a 32 or a 33. Interestingly, that's the biggest size they offer. I shouldn't say interesting, like that's not ideal.
[00:03:15] That like my kind of size 12, 14 body is the biggest size that they accommodate is like really not okay, but. Separate topic related but separate anyway. Ordered them in white and they were basically cut like two sizes smaller, same cut of jeans, same size, same brand. The only thing that's different is the fabric.
[00:03:35] And they were like you. I held them up and then the waist was like an inch, inch and a half, maybe even more smaller than the blue ones. Super frustrating. Sent them back. Um, So right off the bat, that is a piece of objective data. That it is not your body that is the problem. It's the clothes, it's the sizing, it's the structure and the scales that they use for the sizing that is the problem, right?
[00:04:04] We know that between brands, sizing varies greatly within brands. Sizing can vary between different cuts and different styles. Um, Like in Madewell, Madewell also cuts very large. I have worn a size 30 genes in Madewell and in Mother, which is like a high-end denim brand. I currently have a pair of jeans that are 34.
[00:04:28] That's a huge difference. So between brands, huge variation, but even within brands, depending on the cut of the gene, you may need a different size. And now even within the same cut of Gene, the fabrics are different. That can create. A different size. Someone reached out to me when I posted about this a few weeks ago and said that, um, there's a lot of variation because these pieces are made by machines in the way that the fabric kind of lays and I guess is, you know, done by the machine.
[00:05:01] I don't know, like the terms of how clothing is actually manufactured and sometimes there's a lot of error. Um, so. I get that machines can like, make mistakes, but there also needs to be some quality control. And to me, like yes, maybe there's like a couple millimeters of difference, but two inches where basically the, the pair of pants is an entirely different size.
[00:05:20] Like, no, that's like, you know, unacceptable. Um, and the brand actually did reach out to me and I let them know what happened and they're like, we take this very seriously. Thank you for letting us know. So that was helpful. Um, But I wanted to share kind of specifically, even a little bit more about, um, at Anthropology.
[00:05:39] So I was looking for this pair of white jeans. I found a pair there of Good American. Um, I tried on a size 32, which they say is actually a size 10 again. So again, that's weird. Some say a brand a 32 is equal to a 12. They're saying it's a 10. Anyway, that was the biggest size they had in the store, not the biggest size.
[00:05:56] Good American is actually very size inclusive. It is the Kardashian brand, but. Again, we can talk about that separately. They are very size inclusive, which is amazing. Um, so I tried on the 32, which says what a size 10, and they were too small and I really liked them though. And I, as I could see in the dressing room, I'm like, I think theses half potential.
[00:06:18] And I said to myself, okay, I'm just gonna order, I'm gonna go online. I'm gonna order the, the, the 14, the next size up. Or maybe it was a 31. I don't remember what it was. Whatever it was. They were too small. It doesn't even matter. I think it was a size 12, cuz I know I ordered a size 14. I was like, I'll just order the next size punchline.
[00:06:37] They came a couple days ago. They fit. They're fucking awesome. I'm super excited about them. I'll share them on social media when I wear them. I have to steam them. They're actually like really creased from being in the bag. But what I wanted to talk about here is that for most of my life, and I know for many of you listening, and I've talked about this with clients, the concept of going up a size was something that would never even occur to me ever.
[00:07:02] And as a size 12, sometimes 14, in my teen college, early 20 kind of early adult years, most of the brands that was the, that was the biggest size that they made. So for me that already created so much anxiety cuz I would know when, when, when like designer jeans, like when diesel jeans came on the scene in like the late nineties and early two thousands.
[00:07:26] I was in college, I got a pair, um, when I was like in like my early twenties. I was in the biggest women's size that was available. Um, and knowing that felt terrible cuz it was like I have nowhere to go. My only option at that time felt like, well, I have to lose weight because I can't, there's no bigger size and I wouldn't even want a bigger size, but it, it was this very like claustrophobic, trapped feeling where every time I would try on clothes, I'm like, if this doesn't fit, like that's bad.
[00:07:56] It means I have to lose weight. It means there's something wrong with me. They don't make a bigger size, which means a bigger size is bad, which means I am the problem. This is a very real thing. And this happens for people at all sizes. Right. And I also know that. Let's be very clear. I know that I do have a form of thin privilege.
[00:08:13] There are millions of women out there who are in wearing plus sizes, um, which the technical term for plus size actually starts at a size 10. Um, but who are in one x two x 16, 18, 20, and up from there who have very limited options. Let's be very clear about this. I'm not gonna sit here and say that the challenges I have were the same that many other women have because it's not, um, But what I will say is that the smaller size you are, the more options you have, right?
[00:08:41] That's just the reality of things. There are plenty of brands out there right now that do not go above a size 12, and their size 12 is actually cut like an eight or a 10. Um, but kind of going back to like being in the dressing room, my, my first thought was, oh great, I'm just gonna order the next size up.
[00:08:57] You guys. That is an invisible transformation that is, The progress to end all progress because of what I just shared about how I felt for decades of my life trying on clothes that it would never occur to me. What did occur to me was like, I've gotta go on a diet, and I would feel so terrible about myself when those clothes wouldn't fit.
[00:09:19] Ripped myself apart, looked at my stomach. My stomach is gross. Look at my belly. This is disgusting. I need to lose weight. Like this is not okay. I'm gross. And then, Gone out to dinner and said, well, I can't have carbs, or I'm not having dessert, or I can't have sugar, or whatever, whatever the thing was. Or started a new whole new diet plan or a whole new, I've gotta go run an extra mile tomorrow or do an extra hard work, workout out the gym.
[00:09:42] Something to find relief from that feeling of these clothes making me feel like shit about myself. Um, and I. It is the outcome of all the work I have done around body image, around learning skills to notice my thoughts around finding self-worth around something that's not connected to my size or my shape.
[00:10:05] Especially right now, I've been talking somewhat openly. There's something going on with my body right now. I have gained some weight in my belly. I don't know why I'm trying to figure it out. I'm feeling not. Great in my body right now cause there's something happening that I'm really not clear about.
[00:10:22] And even with that going on, I am still speaking kindly to myself, having grace for myself, having self-worth in the way I'm exercising, and moving and talking to myself and spending my time and taking actions that are in alignment with my values, not relying. On what I look like to provide that self-worth.
[00:10:42] Because if, what, if I did, I'd be in a really, really dark place right now, um, cuz I'm doing, all the actions I'm doing are aligned with what works for me and my values, and yet my body has something else going on that I'm trying to figure out. So I guess I can't, we can't control that. We can only control our actions.
[00:11:00] We can't control the outcomes of those actions when it comes to our appearing, our, our appearance and how our body is gonna respond to these things. So a little bit of a sidebar. Um, but this is why when we attach our self-worth and our identity to a size, it's a very, very thin thread. One because there's so much variable, uh, variation in the clothes, which I talked about a few minutes ago, right?
[00:11:27] So then you are basically leaving your mental stability and worth up to a system that is broken. In terms of how clothing is sized and, and designed and structured and all of that, um, factually speaking, we know that between brands and between cuts and between even fabrics, there's huge variations in the sizes.
[00:11:51] So you have to get really honest and see that, and then see the way that you're leaving your happiness and confidence and self-esteem up to a, a completely flawed system. Right. You have to see that you're doing that and take steps to change it. Um, and know that this, I'm gonna get into one of the skills now, um, that clothes that fit, that are comfortable and that you like, that is what's important.
[00:12:20] That is what's going to make you feel like you, that is what is going to give you confidence. That's what's going to help build your self-esteem, right? How you. Truly feel and value and have self-worth around yourself. That's what self-esteem is, right? Confidence is kind of like those external actions.
[00:12:37] You can have confidence and have no self-esteem, right? They're not the same. I'm actually gonna do a podcast episode about that because it's a very important distinction to make. Um, they're not the same and they, um, they, they are related and also unrelated. So anyway, um, it fits, it's comfortable. I like it.
[00:12:59] I've ta. I've done a podcast episode. I think about this, but I'm gonna repeat now. The clothes need to fit. If they are too tight on you, you are not going to be able to pay attention to what's happening around you. You're only going to feel that waistband digging into you. You're only gonna feel like the seam of that clothing pushing up against you, right?
[00:13:17] Which leads into the comfort piece. It might fit, but if it's not comfortable, if it's pulling, if it's digging, if it's dragging, if it's. Um, you know, itchy or anything like that, again, you are not going to be able to be present. You're going to be focused on your body. You, it's a constant reminder that you are not comfortable in your body, that maybe your body is different than it was before, that you are in a different clothing size, and maybe you have been in the past, right?
[00:13:49] That's where your attention goes. And then it's like you're not living your life because you're trying to push yourself into a clothing size that isn't right for you right now. Right. And that's okay. Our bodies change over time. It's actually not. You know, we think we're supposed to look the same as we did 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago.
[00:14:11] There's a lot of changes that have happened, right? We do a lot of comparison. Oh my God, look what size I was when I was 20. Look what size when I was when I was 30. Look what size I was two years ago. Right? That's, that's a real big struggle for a lot of folks. I have been through that too. And so accepting that this is where I am now and respecting that and giving my space, giving my body the respect it needs to be comfortable, right?
[00:14:34] It's punishing to try and put on a pair of clothes that are uncomfortable or that don't fit, that aren't the right size for you. Um, that's, it's, it's being cruel to yourself. Um, it's like you're trying to constantly remind yourself that you, you're not good enough. You need to do something better. Don't eat that.
[00:14:54] Um, And so wearing something that fits, wearing something that's comfortable and wearing what you like, right? Something can be fit, can fit and it can be comfortable, but you might not like it. You've got to like what you're putting on your body. Um, there's a stylist I follow online. Her name is Liza Lieberman.
[00:15:13] Um, and she has a very different body type than me. She is. Very, very thin, very small. She's probably like a size zero, a size two. Um, and I've learned a lot from her. Um, I'm gonna share two things right now that I've learned from her. One is, if it's not a hell yes, then it's a hell no. This is around the do I like it?
[00:15:35] That's a struggle. Cause sometimes you'll put something on, you'll try to talk yourself into it. But again, if you put on a piece of clothing you don't like, you're gonna feel self-conscious. You're gonna be wondering like, how does this look? Does this look okay? Like, should I have worn this? Is this okay?
[00:15:48] And again, it's taking your attention away from the present moment. So when something fits, it's comfortable and you like it, then it's not about the clothing size, it's not about that. It becomes about how you are feeling in your body, in your skin in that moment. And so I sized up and I put on that they came, they fit, they were super stretchy and I loved them.
[00:16:12] And they're size 14. Okay, fine. Um, I have learned to prioritize those qualitative experiences. It fits, it's comfortable. I like it over the quantitative, over the number, which is so arbitrary and so random, and varies so much that it's like there's no meaning behind it. Something that has. A number that has a different size across all different brands, there's no meaning behind it.
[00:16:37] That would be like saying like the number four has like a different meaning in like different states or different countries. Four. It's like saying that like $4 is worth this much at this store and worth this much at another store. It's not $4 is $4. Right, but a size 30, a size 34, a size 28, whatever it is, is not a size 28.
[00:16:57] You get something different every place you go. Like imagine if you walked in, you didn't know what your $4 was worth, every store you went to. I'm like, I dunno why I'm using $4. Kind of random, but you get my point. It, I would fuck with your head. You'd be like, I don't know. I don't know how to live, I don't know how to function.
[00:17:10] What am I doing? What do I expect? That's what clothing sizes are like guys like. So I just wanna like be really clear so that you can really start to. Let this sink in and accept that relying on those numbers, which are basically subjective, is putting your own mental wellbeing like in a really not great place.
[00:17:33] I wanna come back, cause I just went off on a tangent. I, so I just said that, um, from, from following Liza, um, I've learned this idea. It's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. And the other piece is, We always use the saying, I'm a size 12. I'm a size 14, I'm a size six. Right? So that becomes, I am, makes it our identity and starting to create some space from that.
[00:17:57] Your size is not your identity and shifting your language to saying, I take a size. I take a size 14 in those good American jeans. I take a size 30 in those Madewell jeans. I take a size 12 in this, I take a size 34. In those mother nineties jeans, I take a size 32 in another cut instead of I am. I am, I am.
[00:18:22] This is, that's a game changer, right? Because it gives you a way to separate. Who you are from that size. That size is not your identity. It's not who you are. Your values are who you are. What's important to you is who you are, how you take care of yourself as who you are, how you treat other people as who you are.
[00:18:42] A clothing size is not who you are. And so these language shifts are really valuable. Language matters. It's the way that we express ourselves, it's the way that we communicate. It's often the way we make sense of things. Also using, um, the physical piece of it in terms of what am I feeling? What is this emotion bringing up in me?
[00:19:03] That's a separate thing, but language matters. I, last summer I read Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, which goes through, I think it's like 79 or 80 emotions and giving language to what we feel. It's so important. So don't underestimate the power of noticing when you say I'm a size whatever and changing that to, I take a size.
[00:19:26] And just start practicing that. That's a skill. These are skills. I take a size your check, your checklist. It fits. It's comfortable. I like it. That is a skill. Looking at something in the mirror and saying, if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. It's a skill. These are skills that take practice right there.
[00:19:43] New. They're unfamiliar. You're not used to thinking about making decisions around clothing in this way. He was just saying, oh, I'm size 12. Size 12 doesn't fit. I won't buy that. Forget it. That's not for me. It's not that simple. Um, I would've missed out on this amazing pair of jeans if I had said that to myself.
[00:20:03] So I, your job is not to change your body. To fit the clothes, is to work on skills. That help you have more acceptance, more self-compassion, and to take action on the things you can take action on. Because the reality is that you can't control the size and shape of your body too. Fit clothes, right. Even when I would go on diets and restrict.
[00:20:37] My body shape is my body shape. I carry body fat in my belly. Where I carry body fat has always been, will always be, which means that certain styles of clothing, certain cuts, certain brands are not going to be a good fit for me. And that means that I need to seek out brands and clothing and styles that are not try to change my body to fit that.
[00:21:05] My body isn't the problem. The clothes are the problem, and there are enough brands and styles and cuts out there that we can find things that do work because they fit, they're comfortable and we like them. So I hope this was helpful. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm always here listening on the other side.
[00:21:23] Um, and. There's, I'm thinking of like all these things now that I could add to this, but I'm just gonna call it a day here. Um, I'm trying to keep these summer episodes a little shorter and, um, again, thank you for being here. I will be back next week. And, um, yeah, that's all for now.