Improve body confidence and body image insecurities with these 3 simple skills
Can you remember the last time you looked in the mirror without a cruel judgment or criticism for what you saw in the reflection?
Or the last time you went on social media and didn’t compare yourself to someone else’s body, feeling full of jealousy?
Then following up those thoughts with a plan for a new diet or workout program, believing that will be the fix for how you feel about your body.
But it never is.
Because you improve negative body image by changing how you think.
Not by changing how you look.
Let’s pause for a moment and think about why you’ve spent so much of your life dieting.
Maybe your doctor told you to lose weight. Or your cholesterol was high. Or you believed losing weight would make you healthier (which it can in some circumstances, but not all, which is a post for another day).
But the main reason we diet is because we don’t like how our bodies look.
We see ourselves in the mirror and go off on an endless list of body image issues, problems and complaints.
My thighs have cellulite and its gross
My stomach rolls over my pants and I look fat.
This back fat from my bra is hideous.
This double chin is disgusting.
And our immediate reaction to these cruel, abusive thoughts is to fix them by going on a diet.
Because if we lose weight, then we will automatically love how we look, right?
But you know that’s now how it works. Because every time you’ve lost weight you’re still unhappy with your body. Still berating yourself, wishing this or that looked different. Wondering why you don’t look like the after photos you see plastered all over Instagram. Your body confidence still sucks.
Because here’s the thing. A diet will NEVER change how you feel about your body. Because how you feel about your body comes from your lived experiences, your emotions, your beliefs and your thought patterns. And a diet only changes what and how you eat.
So it’s a complete mismatch between the outcome we want (being happy with how our body looks and having body confidence) and the actions we’re taking to get there (restricting food, obsessing over food, cutting out food groups).
So today’s blog post is going to offer you resources and support to understand more about body negativity and body image issues:
What body image actually is and why dieting never changes it
Why negative body image is such a struggle for so many women
The myth that improving body image means you have to love how you look
And then I’ll be teaching you three specific skills to learn
How to identify your unique negative body image triggers and how to cope with them
Specific tools to start managing your negative thoughts around body image issues
Simple changes to daily behaviors that can have an immediate impact on how you feel about your body
Also listen to episode 119 of The Diet Diaries and episode 130 for more skills around how to improve body image.
What negative body image is and why dieting never changes it
Body image is a combination of your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions of your body. And contrary to what you might feel and think, your body image is an opinion. Not a fact. It is YOUR opinion of how you look (and this gets proven time and time again when you feel terrible about how you look and someone else tells you look great). This is good news because opinions can change 💗
Body image is heavily influenced by biopsychosocial factors. That’s just a fancy word that means body image is affected by 3 main factors
Bio: what your body physically looks like, your objective physical features, genetics, medical conditions, health history
Psycho: mental/emotional influences such as coping skills, mental health, stress
Social: environment/media/family/friends/lifestyle
So when we think about improving negative body image, we have to take all of these factors into account.
There are actually 4 types of body image:
Perceptual which is the way you see yourself: “ I look fat”
Affective with is the way you feel about how you look: “I feel gross and disgusting”
Cognitive which are the thoughts and beliefs you have about the way you look: “If my stomach were flatter I’d be happier”
Behavioral which are the actions you take as a result: I’m going to skip dinner because my stomach looks fat
As you’re reading this, you’re probably nodding your head to every single one of these body image issues and body insecurities—and hopefully beginning to realize that changing how you eat with a diet won’t impact any of those feelings, thoughts or beliefs I listed out above.
Why negative body image is such a struggle for so many women
The general size and shape of our bodies is predetermined by genetics, just like hair and eye color, height, etc. This means there is huge variation in the size and shape of human bodies. And they are all normal.
It’s the social part of the biopsychosocial paradigm (media) that has made us believe there is one singular ideal type of body. Because we’ve only ever been shown ONE type of body which means we internalized that that body type is the only attractive one.
This happens at a more subconscious level as we are incessantly bombarded by seeing women with the same body type in every TV show, magazine, movie, ad and IG account (it is important to note that that there is nothing bad or wrong with this body type and this body type is not “bad” because it has become the standard; this is about a lack of representation).
This is then reinforced with endless before and after images from diet programs which imply that weight loss automatically makes you happy, improves your life and magically delivers body confidence while simultaneously taking away any body negativity.
But a photo doesn’t actually tell us anything at all about someone’s feelings, thoughts and beliefs about themselves.
And here’s the proof. In these photos below from various points in my life over the last 20+ years I was miserable. Living with severe disordered eating, emotionally abusing myself, punishing myself with exercise. Yet I look happy in all of them, right? A photo tells us NOTHING about our inner worlds.
Not to mention that I look at them now and can’t fathom why I hated how I looked so much—more proof that body image is an opinion and capable of changing.
Women’s bodies have become trends over time. In the 20s and 30s the very thin “Flapper” look was in. Then in the 40s and 50s as Marilyn Monroe became famous a curvier, hourglass shape became the trend. Then in the 70s as Twiggy the supermodel rose to fame, super thin was in again. Eighties brought about the SLIGHTLY curvier look of Cindy Crawford only to be taken over by Kate Moss and “heroin chic.” And we can’t forget about the Kardashian butts (which of course have gotten smaller again over the last year or so).
And we wonder why we’re such a mess about how our bodies look with an endless list of body image issues—not only are most of those idealized looks not genetically possible for most of us, they’re constantly changing.
A body type has become something we need to conform to and keep up with—and it has damaged our mental health in the process.
And now in the digital age where using a filter to change the look of your skin, eyes and cheekbones has become the norm, we’re losing complete touch with what REAL bodies look like.
The myth that improving your negative body image means you have to love how you look
If we don’t want to have negative body image, that must mean we need to have a positive body image, right?
Nope. That’s not how it works. You don’t need to have a positive body image and love everything (or even anything) about how you look to improve body confidence and feel better and more at ease in your skin.
What you need is to learn how to feel more neutral. Improving negative body image and body confidence is about not using your physical appearance as an evaluation of your worthiness as a person—which means you don’t have to love everything about your appearance in order to change your body image.
When you feel more neutral about your appearance you stop relying on the size and shape of your body for happiness. I’ll be talking more later on about what you want to rely on instead.
Improving your negative body image is also about using the things about you that you CAN control—acting in alignment with your values and priorities—to embody the most important qualities about you.
Now let’s start focusing on HOW we actually begin to change negative body image and improve body confidence. Below are three key skills that will address:
How to identify your unique negative body image triggers and how to cope with them
Specific tools to start managing your negative thoughts around body image issues
Simple changes to daily behaviors that can have an immediate impact on how you feel about your body
Skill one: Make a list of your negative body image behaviors and identify the unique triggers for them
There are MANY ways for negative body image to show up—and it may be different for you based on circumstances, overall mental well being, time of the month, etc. And these can change over time. So we need to identify HOW negative body image is showing up for you.
Here are some behaviors to look for:
Excessive body checking
Avoiding looking at yourself in the mirror
Abusive self talk
Actively comparing your body to other people’s bodies
Avoiding being in photos, hiding your body in photos and demanding people delete photos you don’t like
Chronically dieting/restricting food to lose weight so your body looks different
Obsessively weighing yourself
Once you’ve identified the behaviors you turn to most often, then you can identify what triggers them:
Being around certain friends and family who may comment about yours or others’ appearances or talk about dieting
Spending time on social media
Having to wear certain types of clothes (bathing suit, a dress, jeans)
Eating certain types of foods
Social events
Excessive stress/anxiety
Now that you know your triggers, you can begin practicing skills to help deal with them in a more productive way.
Take the time to write out your own list before moving onto the next skill.
Skill two: Learn how to respond to your negative thoughts around body image issues
As hard as it is to believe this, your negative thoughts about your body are opinions. Not facts. We know this because other people see us very differently and over time we see ourselves differently (look at any old photo of yourself where you know you were dieting and you’ll see exactly what I mean).
If we want to be able to respond to the thoughts that come up as a result of the triggers listed above, we need to be able to respond to them with facts instead of opinions.
Write out a negative thought you have about your body. Then come up with a corresponding fact about that thought/body part. Here’s an example:
Negative thought (opinion): My stomach is ugly and looks terrible because these pants are so tight.
Neutral fact: My stomach is fuller right now and these pants aren’t the right size for me.
One is full of judgment, the other is simply observing the situation. This is a skill and it takes A LOT of practice. Start small and be kind to yourself as you go.
Skill 3: Make a simple change to daily behaviors like getting dressed
The clothes you choose to wear each day have a massive impact on your body image and body confidence. Very often when we are experiencing consistent negative body image, how clothes look, fit and feel are playing a huge role in those those negative thoughts and body image insecurities.
When you choose what to wear each day you want to consider these three check points:
Does it fit?
Do I like it?
Is it comfortable?
If the answer to even ONE of these is no, then it’s not the right outfit for you. When we wear clothes that don’t fit and/or aren’t comfortable then our attention is always on our body—adjusting the clothes, feeling them squeeze our body.
And it is a constant reminder that our body may be in a different place physically than it was in the past—which triggers more negative thoughts and behaviors. Not to mention when you’re focused on how uncomfortable your clothes are, you’re definitely not present for whatever is happening around you.
This works for getting dressed each day and is also a great filter for doing a closet clean out. Holding on to lots of old clothes that used to fit is taking up a lot of space in your brain and makes it very hard to work on self compassion for where you are now. Take a listen to episode 105 of The Diet Diaries to learn more about how to be more confident in your body.
Learning how to improve negative body image in a world filled with body negativity takes a lot of effort.
And it won’t happen from a diet, a workout program or being cruel to yourself. Improving body confidence and feeling more at ease in your own skin comes from practicing the 3 skills you learned above with consistency, kindness and compassion.