episode 119: How do i stop thinking “why do i hate my body”
In Episode 119 of The Diet Diaries I’m talking about how you learn to respond to and deal with your negative thoughts around food and your body so you can stop thinking “why do I hate my body” all the time.
You know the thoughts telling you things like:
Your stomach is fat and disgusting
That cellulite looks gross in those leggings
You’re out of control around these cookies
You can do every diet in the world and they will NEVER change the way you think about food and stop you from thinking about hating your body. Which is why a diet doesn’t fix what you want it to fix.
Having skills to learn how to respond to your negative body image thoughts is where true, lasting change happens.
And skills don’t include ignoring them, wishing they weren’t there, being verbally abusive to ourselves for thinking them and endlessly wondering “why do I hate my body?”
There are lots of wonderful influencers and creators out there sharing content to remind you that its ok to have fat on your stomach, to have cellulite on your thighs, to eat carbs after 7pm.
But it isn’t enough just to follow those people and see that—you need actual skills to learn how to respond to the negative body image thoughts that your brain is producing seemingly every moment of every day.
So I am talking through 4 specific, usable skills you can start practicing to help deal with the thoughts so you can start making progress towards feeling at ease around food and in your body.
Episodes 105 and 112 of The Diet Diaries are also great resources for support around changing your body image if you are someone who is always saying to themselves “I hate the way I look.”
And I have an entire blog post about why negative body image is such an issue and 3 specific skills to manage it.
(Note: The poem I mentioned is The Guest House by Rumi, not Hafiz. Brain fart.)
We’ll be working on these skills at the Spring Weekend Retreat. Find all the details here to join us May 19-21 in the Catskill mountains of New York.
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[00:00:00] Hey everyone, it's episode 119 of Diet Diaries, and I wanted to dive into something today that has been coming up a lot with a lot of my clients and excuse or skills that I use every day, and they are a huge part of the work around changing your relationship with food and feeling better about your body.
[00:00:28] just as important, to be honest, maybe even more important than the food stuff itself, because this is around your thoughts, right? And this is why this work is so different from a diary. When you change your diet, when you change, when you, when you go on a diet, you change. what you eat and you follow rules, but you're not changing any of your thoughts.
[00:00:49] And these skills are not about changing thoughts. It's actually kind of a myth. You can't really change your thoughts. I'll talk about that a little bit more. Um, you don't change your thinking, right? You don't have any skills to respond to those thoughts. All you have are your rules around food. That's why nothing ever permanently changes.
[00:01:05] Um, that's why a diet doesn't change your body image. That's why you can lose weight and still not be happy with how you look. So, Having skills and learning skills to learn how to respond to your negative thoughts is a game changer. Like this is where so much of the work happens. Um, we are going to dive into this a lot at the weekend retreat in May.
[00:01:28] Um, so if you are thinking about coming. and you think it's for you. I would love to have you reach out if you wanna talk, if you wanna hop on a call, um, to talk through logistics or find out like, is this right for me? I'm happy to do that. Just reach out. Um, it's May 19th, the 21st in the Catskill Mountains in Hunter, New York, about two hours north of New York City.
[00:01:49] Um, it's a beautiful renovated house. We have it all to ourselves. We have a private chef coming on Saturday Night Food's gonna be wonderful. Um, it's gonna be a series of workshops mixed in with yoga time to yourself. Um, I'm super excited about it, so I know I keep mentioning it every week. It's a really big deal.
[00:02:08] I am really excited to be creating this and hosting it and. creating this resource for you guys. Um, and I hope that you will take advantage of it. So let's kind of dive in. I'm gonna try, I wanna keep this episode a little on the shorter side. I know I keep saying that my solo episodes have been closer to a half an hour recently.
[00:02:27] We'll see what happens. So here's the thing. We have, I mean, millions of thoughts every day that come into our heads around so many things. I'm gonna keep this focused on. and body stuff, and most of them are very harsh and critical. Um, I look like crap in these jeans. My stomach looks fat. I have cellulite on my thighs.
[00:02:54] This looks gross. I look disgusting. I eat too much last night. I'm such a pig. I have no self-control. I can't have that food around. Right? You're nodding your head, you're adding on your own to some of these thoughts and there's a lot of content out there. on social media by a lot of great people around creating support, telling you it's okay if you don't have a flat stomach.
[00:03:20] It's okay if your fat hangs over your jeans. It's okay if you see cellulite through your leggings. It's okay if you had too much cake this weekend. Right? And all of that is super important. I follow a lot of people on Instagram. Um, you know, quote like influencers. share that type of content and it is super important to be following people like that.
[00:03:42] I create content like that. A lot of this like, you know, just a reminder to be kind to yourself. Just a reminder, it's okay if your fat rolls over your jeans. Just a reminder, it's okay if you have a squishy belly. That is all very important cuz it lets you know that you're not alone. You see someone else that looks like you.
[00:03:58] That you can extrapolate is maybe going through some of the same things as you, and that is helpful. That is a, a common common humanity, which is part of self-compassion. However, that is not enough to. start to shift the way that you think. That is one piece of it. What none of, a lot of these influencers who are doing great work, but they're not offering you skills, right?
[00:04:23] I'm a coach. I teach you skills, right? Yes. I share content around like letting you know that you're not alone. And that's super important. And also the most important part of my work, or I'm gonna say equally important, is teaching you skills. So we need more. Then just to know that we're not alone. We need more than to be told.
[00:04:43] It's okay if your fat hangs over your jeans when you sit down. We need to learn how to respond to those really harsh, critical, negative thoughts that pop up a million times a day when you're sitting at your desk and you feel your fat rolling over your jeans and you're like, oh my God, I need to go on a diet.
[00:04:56] Oh my God, that's disgusting. Oh my God, that's so gross. Oh my God, that woman doesn't have that. Right. How are we responding to. scrolling through Instagram is not necessarily the most efficient way to like, okay, I gotta go just see that post and get a reminder that it's okay if my stomach does this. No, you need to be able to do some work in that moment.
[00:05:15] And so I'm gonna talk through today four skills, four discreet skills that you can start to work on. These are the skills that I work on with clients in coaching. Obviously in coaching we get much more in depth. We apply them very specifically to, um, how they're being. We're working through them in real time support.
[00:05:34] I literally, just before I recorded this, just got a text from a client around something like this, sharing something that happened this weekend. Some of the thoughts she's happening, she's really struggling. What do I do about it? Right? So we're talking through this in real time. This has been coming up a lot and that's why I wanted to share it.
[00:05:50] Um, this is actually something I really should have talked about a long time ago, but better late than never. So here are the four skills we're just gonna get right in, cuz I think you know exactly what I'm talking about here. But before I do that , cause of course a little bit, a little bit more set up.
[00:06:08] What we usually try to do is we try to ignore the thoughts or that and or we continue to let them spiral, right? We have the judgmental thought and it's like, oh my God, why am I thinking this? This is so annoying. Why am I doing that? Or instead of trying to push it away, , we will continue to like let ourselves like drown in it.
[00:06:29] Like get enveloped with the thought. And sometimes that feels comfortable. It feels familiar. That's how we're used to thinking. It's going to feel like work to do one of these four skills. It's gonna feel uncomfortable. No question. Expect that going in because this is not what you are used to doing. And our brains like familiarity.
[00:06:49] They like comfort. Their goal is to protect you. Those negative thoughts are the way that you have thought for a very long time, which it is for most of us. Continuing to do that is gonna feel safe, even if it is to your detriment. So that's why this is gonna feel uncomfortable trying to push them away, trying to ignore the thoughts, trying to wish them away, trying to ignore them, trying to stop thinking about them.
[00:07:16] is not going to work. It doesn't work. That's not how our brains don't work. Biologically. You cannot shut off your thinking. You cannot get rid of those thoughts. And I wanna be upfront right now very clearly that is not the goal. I talked about this. If you're on my email list, I talked about this in my email last week when I talked about having a stomach virus and losing weight and all the thoughts that that brought up for me, right?
[00:07:37] I still do this work all the time cuz I'm a human and I have a brain. So if you're listening, you're a human and you have a brain, which. You need to be doing this work, . Um, the goal is not to get rid of the thoughts. That's never going to happen. That's unrealistic. We've been sold that, like we've been sold.
[00:07:57] Oh, just do this diet and then you'll feel better in your body and you think that all the thoughts are gonna go away, except they don't. So not only are you not even using a tool to help you manage the thoughts, the goal that you've been told is just unreal. the goal. Over time progress looks like the thoughts come maybe a little bit less frequently, maybe less intensely.
[00:08:17] I talk about volume. The volume of the thoughts goes down. They're there, but they're not as loud. You are able to deal with them, cope with them, manage them easier. Over time, it will take class effort to pull one of these skills out and work through it. That is progress. That's the. . The goal is to not stop thinking these things.
[00:08:37] It's possible that could happen with a lot of practice and a lot of time, but if you're listening to this, um, you are at least a teenager, but mostly probably 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 and on. And you have been dealing, you have been having these thoughts for years and decades. It is deeply ingrained into your brain.
[00:09:01] It is hardwire. In a sense to unwire, that takes a lot of practice and a lot of time. So you need to give yourself some compassion for that. Okay, now here come the four skills. Number one, I kind of already gave you a little sneak peek. This is kind of two parts, acceptance and action. Accepting that the thoughts are there, not pushing them away, not wishing they weren't there, not getting pissed off at yourself for thinking them accept it.
[00:09:29] Oh, there's that thought. and then choosing how I want to take action. So I'm going to start talking about the second skill cause it kind of, um, connects into the first one and that is to say hello to those thoughts. Oh, there you are, thought again around how my stomach looks in my jeans. I knew you'd be there when I put on these jeans today.
[00:09:51] Hello? That might sound silly. That might be something you think you'd say to like your kid. Maybe it is. That's not a bad thing. That is very different than having those thoughts and then continuing to talk negatively to yourself. Continuing to get pissed off that you're thinking this, trying to push it away and then saying, oh, I just need to go on a diet.
[00:10:11] So I stop thinking this, accept the thoughts, say hello to them, greet them. There is an amazing poem by ee. I will find a link to it and post. and it talks about greeting your thoughts and your feelings greeting them instead of trying to push them away. Um, it's a wonderful, wonderful poem. I have it hanging in my basement, um, from when I used to teach yoga down there.
[00:10:35] I will, um, link it in the show notes on my website so you guys can see it. I think you'll love it. Um, Anyway, so accepting, saying hello, and then choosing how you wanna take action, and this is where your values work comes into play, right? So let's say, I'm gonna keep using this example around like my stomach and belly fat and jeans, cuz it's relevant to me.
[00:10:56] It's relevant to a lot of you. You can obviously use whatever thoughts are that you've been struggling most with lately. You can kind of apply. So I put on jeans, put them on, I'm like, oh, my stomach is hanging over a little bit. I don't really love how that looks. It looks kind of gross. for me, the thoughts around dieting don't really come up as much anymore, but that was, that was my pattern.
[00:11:16] So that is kind of evidence of like how drastically things can shift. Cuz that was always, always, always my immediate, I need to go on a diet, need to go on diet you to go diet. It still happens sometimes much less frequently and in a much lower volume. But on Jean today I'm like, okay, there's like, you know, a little bit, it's like hanging over.
[00:11:33] It's not like this perfectly smooth line when I put them on and then I sit down. It's like, oh yeah, there's. , there's the role and I say, okay, there's that thought. I kind of expect it and it was gonna be there. What's that thought? . And then I choose how I'm gonna take action, which means I just keep using my skills.
[00:11:52] I remind myself that it's normal to have belly fat that rolls over my jeans. I. continue. I, my next meal, I have my protein carbon, my fat. I eat a meal that's filling. I eat, ate a meal that is enjoyable, right? Instead of immediately going and restricting, oh baby, I shouldn't have any carbs at lunch. Cuz these jeans aren't really how these jeans look, right?
[00:12:09] Those are the things we do. So I keep taking action in alignment with my values in a way that feels good. , that action doesn't necessarily, that's not gonna line up with that initial thought, right? This is where, this is the work. The thought is gonna want to drive you to do something else. The work is to accept that that thought is there and take the action anyway.
[00:12:32] It is a both, and I don't like, I don't use the word, but very rarely anymore. You have the thoughts, you say hello, you accept that they are there and you take the action that is moving you towards. your goal. That is more values driven. Okay? That's skill number one. Skill number two, I kind of already talked about.
[00:12:52] You say hello, you acknowledge it, you accept it. I already kind of talked about this. I'm not gonna again spend more time cause I wanna try and keep this tight. Skill number three is around self-compassion. I've done a whole episode on this. I will link to it. It's not on my website cause it's a much older episode, but I'll link to it on Apple Podcasts.
[00:13:10] there are two parts to self-compassion, tender and fierce. Tender is around holding space, acknowledging speaking to yourself kindly.
[00:13:21] The fierce part is around taking action, right? So what kind of overlaps would that first skill, so in, instead of allowing n, having those thoughts and letting them spiral and noticing the harsh, punitive, critical language that you use to talk to yourself. , pause and hold on and say, okay, it's okay to feel shitty about this.
[00:13:44] I'm a human. I have these feelings. Hold space for it. Acknowledge it. Give yourself e either physical, a metaphorical hug, um, by physical, you don't necessarily wrap your arms around yourself. Sometimes just placing your hands on your chest and pausing there for a moment, like kind of gently pressing your hands onto your heart or onto your belly and just saying, okay.
[00:14:06] It's okay. It's okay to have these feelings. It also sucks to have these feelings. It's really hard to feel this way. Acknowledge that, validate it the way you would for your kid or your best friends. How would you talk to them? Not the way that you're talking to yourself. So that is another key skill, and these are all skills you'll want to work on, but start with one, right?
[00:14:32] So holding space, acknowledging those feelings. And then taking action, right? And that kind of goes back up to 0.1, how am I going to take action for this? Number four is to ask yourself when you notice the thoughts, is this true? Thoughts are not facts, feelings are not facts. Facts are facts. And it seems like in the moment that it is a fact.
[00:15:02] I see myself in the, I put on my jeans, oh my God, my stomach is like all jiggly. It's gross. I look so disgusting. The way the pants are like fitting. None of that is a fact. Those are my opinions about myself, and so pausing and saying to myself, wait, hang on a sec. Is this actually true? Do I look disgusting?
[00:15:26] Am I gross?
[00:15:32] When you look at things from a factual objective standpoint, the answer is no. This is hard work, right? Because you're gonna think to yourself, well, yeah, I look gross. I look gross. Cuz that's the only way you see yourself. And so the work here is to start to pull that apart. Something being gross is an opinion, right?
[00:15:53] I wanna, I wish I could make it as simple as like, when you use an adjective, , but it's not because you can say something that is blue and it is in fact blue . Right? But there are emotionally charged adjectives and descriptions and opinions, and then there are factual ones. Sitting down and having your fat roll over your jeans is a fact.
[00:16:15] Right that factually happens. The judgment you place on at the meaning you assign to it, that is the opinion, that's the feeling. That part is not a fact. And learning to pull those apart is a huge life-changing skill. And in way to remind yourself that these are opinions is, I don't even wanna use the photo, but like when you see someone.
[00:16:41] and they like, here's a perfect example. A couple weeks ago I posted on Instagram. I had ordered a couple of clothes online that I didn't like, and I shared them. Usually I only share things. I like 'em. You know what? I don't like how this stuff looks. I'm gonna share it. And I posted this dress. It was like this kind of baby doll style dress.
[00:16:57] I thought it looked ridiculous. It didn't fit. I thought it, I looked like a 42 year old woman in like a five year old's dress. And yet I got several dms from people saying, oh my God, that looks so cute. opinions. These are opinions. That was my opinion of how I looked. That was their opinion of how I looked.
[00:17:15] and yet I was, I wasn't being mean to myself in that instance. But I just wanna point out that like those feelings we have about how we look are opinions, they are feelings, they are not facts. And by asking yourself, is this true? Is this a facts can be a really helpful way to start to notice that you might not be able to pull it part at first.
[00:17:35] You might not be able to switch or start to look at it or come up with language for the more factual des. , but it will give you a pause and we'll give you a way a check-in to start to say, okay, hold on a second. I noticed myself talking to myself in a really harsh, abusive, I used that word recently, and I'm like, that is really what this is in a very abusive way.
[00:17:58] Is this true? Is this a fact? Okay, so there's four skills you can use. Pick one. Pick the one that when you heard me say it, you're like, oh, I feel like I could do that. I get that. That makes sense. I'm gonna recap them. Number one, accepting your thoughts and then acknowledging that they're there, taking action in the way that is in alignment with your values and what you're working on.
[00:18:18] Anyway. Number two, say hello to the thoughts. That's kind of part of number one, but that you could just work on that. You could just say, hello. Oh, hello. There you are. . You a little bitch. . No, I'm just kidding. But it's like, okay, it's okay to like be like, there you are. I knew you were gonna be there. And then keep moving forward.
[00:18:40] Number three, self-compassion. And that kind of is like when I joke around and say, you little bitch, like it sucks. It's hard to have this. Allow yourself to feel that. Allow yourself to feel that frustration of like, why it sucks to think this all the time. Why is this taking up so much space in my brain?
[00:18:54] Why is this distracting me from my work? Why is this distracting me from being out with my friends? . Allow yourself to feel that and hold space for it, just like you would if your kid or your friend was really upset, you'd be like, oh my God, let me give you a hug. I'm so sorry you're going through that.
[00:19:08] That sucks. You need to learn how to do that for yourself and then follow that up with action, right? Yeah. We can't acknowledging holding yourself, giving yourself a hug, saying, oh my God, this sucks. That's part of it, and then we gotta take action. We gotta do something about it. That goes back up to point number one, number.
[00:19:27] is this true? Notice that harsh abusive language and ask yourself, is this true? Is this a fact? And then the follow up, kind of the, the second part of that work is learning how to then shift those thoughts into more factual statements. I may do a separate episode about that. So that's what I wanted to share today.
[00:19:45] Reach out. I'm always here. I'm always on the other side of your headphones. DM me, send me an email. Um, and I'm gonna have the link to the retreat in the show notes. And I think that's all for today. Thank you for listening. I appreciate every, every download, every listen, whether it's the whole episode or five minutes, um, I really appreciate you being here and more next week.