episode 134: how do you know if you have body image issues?
Do you have body image issues?
What does it mean to have negative body image?
This is today’s topic in episode 134 of The Diet Diaries.
Many women don’t even realize they have negative body image because talking to ourselves in the way that we do and feeling so badly about how we look is just considered normal.
But it’s not.
I was recently a guest on my friend Erica Webb’s podcast and we touched on this topic a little bit—so I wanted to offer more resources and support because many of us don’t know what we don’t know. Which means we can’t change anything and we’re stuck in the endless cycle of dieting as a way to fix everything bad we feel about ourselves.
To an extent this is true around food too—dieting has become such a way of life for people that we don’t even realize it’s happened. We don’t realize that we don’t know how to eat if we’re not on a diet.
Here’s what I share in todays’ episode:
How to know if you have negative body image
Why body image issues are so insidious
How we use negative body image as a way to connect
Specific skills that will help you start to address the critical, abusive thoughts you have about your body and how you look
For more resources and support to cope with negative body image, listen to episodes 131 and 127 of The Diet Diaries.
Add your name to the interest list for the Fall Mini Retreat here.
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[00:00:00] Hi, friends. It's episode 134 of the Die Diaries, and I'm recording this. I always tell you when I'm recording them. I don't know why. I just feel the need to do that. It's Monday, June 12th. I'm a couple weeks ahead right now. This first part of the summer's really hectic. Um, For me, for our family, um, just based on Ben's summer schedule.
[00:00:23] And he's going to camp, but it's not a full day. And so I don't have as much, like my work schedule's gonna be really different, so I wanted to get ahead on some podcasts so that I don't miss any podcast. Might take a vacation this summer. I did last summer for two weeks. We went to Greece. Might do that again.
[00:00:40] We'll have to see. Um, but I'll keep you posted, but for now, we're still good with our weekly Monday episodes. So really quick before I dive in, just letting you know that there is a link available to add your name to the early interest. List for the fall mini retreat. I'm gonna be taking only five people because we had three, um, last month and it was phenomenal.
[00:01:03] Two more would be great. Anymore is too much. Um, again, this is gonna be at my house in Westfield. We're gonna spend the day together, we're gonna do two workshops and really dive into skills around eating and body image. And self-care, and I'll talk more details as it gets closer, but if you are interested in joining, just add your name to the list because signup is gonna go out to those people first.
[00:01:24] And I'm also gonna add, if you sign up from that list, A complimentary one to one 30 minute coaching session that you can either do like in the month before, like the month after the retreat in the fall. So that's just like a really nice kind of bonus, extra no obligation by putting your name on the list.
[00:01:41] It just gives you options so that when the information comes out, you can decide it's gonna be in October, um, probably on a Saturday. So that starts to narrow it down. I'm gonna pick the date really soon. And, um, Let you guys know. So link for that is in the show notes and, uh, it's also like in my Instagram bio and all over the place.
[00:02:01] So here's what I wanted to talk about today. Um, this episode is, It's sort of like very specifically inspired by a conversation I had with my very good, wonderful friend and colleague, Erica Webb. Um, I was a guest on her podcast a few weeks ago, and I will link, um, I will link to that because it's a wonderful episode and her podcast is amazing and she also just is an amazing human being and, um, she's a movement teacher.
[00:02:27] And really focuses on self-kindness and self-compassion, um, through kind of the lens of movement and counseling. Anyway, um, we did this episode and while we were like having our conversation, I kind of said something that was kind of like an aha moment to me, and we talked about it a little bit in that episode, but I wanted to put a resource here in the DI Diaries library for you guys.
[00:02:50] And what I've sort of realized was that a lot of women. Don't realize that they have negative body image, that the way they're thinking about and talking to themselves is problematic because it's all so normalized. I think this is true for some stuff around food and dieting too. Definitely. But because that is more external in terms of like, What we're eating and how we're talking about it.
[00:03:23] Whereas the way that we talk to ourselves sometimes, it's just, it's so normalized that I don't think we realize it. Um, and what's interesting is that when I, when people come in to work with me one-on-one, very rarely do people come in only saying, I really need to work on my negative body image. Like, I really hate my body and it's causing a major problem in my life.
[00:03:48] I don't think I've had a single client come in that way. People come in mostly because of food related stuff. Yo-yo dieting, disordered eating stress and obsession around food, wanting to lose fat, but having gained and lost and gained and lost and like not knowing what to do anymore. And then the body image piece, always a hundred percent of the time comes out as part of that.
[00:04:12] And sometimes it comes out immediately and sometimes it takes time. But always without question, every single person I've worked with as we've gone through kind of like the coaching process, More and more continues to come out and people are like, oh my God, I didn't even realize that like I was doing this.
[00:04:29] I didn't realize I was thinking this. I didn't realize this issue was there. And that makes total sense because we don't necessarily have awareness of it. One, because some of these things get buried kind of deep and two, because some of it is so normalized. So here's what I mean. I've used this, this, um, example a bunch of times recently, but it's really.
[00:04:47] Relevant. How many times in your life have you commiserated with friends over something negative A about your bodies and compared. Your negative thing to their negative thing. Like Cellulite's a great example where you'll be in a conversation with a friend and be like, oh my God, this cellulite on my thighs is so disgusting.
[00:05:07] And the friend will be like, I know mine is so bad, mine's even worse than yours. Like, it's so gross. I need to do something about this. And then maybe a third friend will chime in and be like, oh my God, you guys look great. Look at my body. Look at what's wrong with me. Right. You guys know exactly what I'm talking about.
[00:05:24] If you're listening to this, right? Or we talk about, you know, how we look in a bathing suit or how our stomachs look. I'm just using cellulite as an example. It's always like a, who has it worse or a, a sense of like commiserating. Like, oh my God, I know it's so disgusting that you have this and I have this, and we all have this.
[00:05:45] And on one hand, right, knowing that you're not alone has value. So I'm not saying this is all bad, but what I'm saying is w the way we're connecting is through that negative self-talk. It's not through positive self-talk. We're criticizing, we're berating, we're abusing ourselves for how we look as a way to connect versus being kind to ourselves, being compassionate to ourselves as a way to connect.
[00:06:13] And this is all just normal. Right. Everywhere you look, here's a cellulite cream. Here's like a gut blaster cream. Here's this new exercise you can do to like tone your abs. Here's, I, I can't even think of anything else off the top of my head, but it's just constant and it's like we don't even realize that all of these things are kind of fueling this.
[00:06:41] The very simple truth is that constantly criticizing. And speaking abusively to yourself about how you look is not normal. It is not okay. There is nothing okay about that. We have this belief that by being hard on ourselves, that by punishing ourselves, that will lead to change. That doesn't work. It could work for some people in the short term, but not in the long term.
[00:07:07] Nobody has long-term progress and makes long-term changes because they've motivated themselves. Through basically self abuse and speaking ne negatively to themselves, right? I'm not even gonna get into the, would you talk to your kid this way? I've talked about that separately. I'm gonna talk about some other specific skills today, but you would never, for years on end, tell your kid how shitty of a person they were and how terrible they were and how they looked gross and they weren't working hard enough in school, and why didn't they get better grades?
[00:07:42] And then expect them to feel good about themselves and do better long term, right? It might work in the short term because it's based out of fear, but in the long term, in terms of billing, self-confidence, and even deeper self-esteem and self-advocacy, that's not gonna work. But yet we think it works for ourselves.
[00:08:04] So it's kind of like a, we don't know what we don't know thing in terms of like, Do I have negative body image? So I will tell you right now, if you look in the mirror and talk about how disgusting you look, if you put on a piece of clothing and say, oh my God, I'm so fat. I can't wear this. These pants are too tight.
[00:08:25] I need to lose weight to fit into these pants. Um, if you. Speak mainly to yourself. Tell yourself that you're not working hard enough, that you're not trying hard enough, that you are gross, that you were disgusting, that you're not allowed to eat certain things because of the way that your body looks.
[00:08:43] That is all negative body image and almost every woman that I've ever met or had a conversation with, Struggles from this because of all of the external influences, environment, expectations that we have grown up with our entire lives. It is not normal to look in the mirror and say, oh my God, I look so disgusting.
[00:09:07] I need to go on a diet because this outfit looks gross on me. And then stop eating carbs for two weeks. And think that it's gonna feel, think that you're gonna feel better by yourself. That's not normal. And I'm not trying to say that in like a harsh or cruel or judgmental way. This is like education. We don't know what we don't know.
[00:09:28] Sometimes we don't realize we have negative body image because everything about body image and like feeling crappy about yourself has been so normalized. So we need to know. So I'm telling you, if you are doing these things, you have negative body image. It's a problem that needs to be addressed because it is.
[00:09:41] It is sucking up your time, your energy, and your attention. It is pulling you out of your life. It is pulling you inward and making you be excessively and obsessively focused on your own body and are time, energy, and attention is finite, which means if you are sucking all of it, Because you are so unhappy with how you look and how you feel in your body, that means there's many other parts of your life that are not getting that time, energy, and attention that needed, that are getting shortchanged.
[00:10:10] And trust me, I get it. Again, this is all said without judgment. This is really just about education and information so you can start to acknowledge and know what's going on, so then you can get resources for help, right? We can't change the things that we're not aware of. We can't change things that we don't know or realize are problematic.
[00:10:29] Um, You know, we've just grown up in this culture of. Our body body's being problematized and needing to fix things that are totally normal, right? Having a belly that has fat, fat rolls has been problematized, so it's like, oh, I need to hide that. I need to pose strategically in pictures. I need to not be in pictures.
[00:10:50] I can't wear a two piece bathing suit. I need to lose weight. My stomach needs to be totally flat. It needs to be concave when I sit, right? Because we've only, only one body type has ever been widely represented, so we think that is the only body type. That there is to be, that is normal, attractive, and even healthy, right?
[00:11:09] It's a lack of representation you guys have. This is not new, but all of this needs repeating a million times. The lack of representation that has caused so many of the issues that we have. When you only ever see one thing, you inherently and automatically believe that that one thing is the only thing by default.
[00:11:28] So what I really wanted to do with this episode is very simple, is just create awareness around what it looks like and what it feels like to have negative body image, to stand in your closet and try on a million different things and cry, or feel frustrated, and feel like you have nothing to wear because you don't like how anything looks to put on an outfit and be constantly like, like fixing or adjusting or fussing with it because it's not comfortable.
[00:11:55] To look at yourself in the mirror and point out all of the things around your body that are bad or wrong, or that you wished were different or that need to be fixed. You know, there's, there's kind of like a spectrum of these things, and I'm not necessarily talking about them in a spectrum order, but it shows up in so many ways.
[00:12:15] Anytime you are cruel or mean to yourself, and this is not about like, you know, cause I feel like some people might react and say, well, you have to be honest with yourself. Yes. But you don't have to be cruel in order to be honest. Like let's say that you are someone who has a lot of excess body fat, right?
[00:12:32] And needs to lose body fat for health reasons. Telling yourself that you're fat and disgusting and you have no control around food. Is not going to help you do that. Being, having some self-compassion, accepting the fact that maybe you have a harder time regulating hunger and fullness around food. Um, but right.
[00:12:52] Realizing that you don't have the skills to be able to eat certain types of foods. No one ever taught you that. No one ever gave you that. Right? Accepting those things and then having, and then taking action on what you can, learning the skills, right? Learning how to move your body more, what it's kind of separate topics, but.
[00:13:09] You can be honest with yourself about where you are and what you need to change, and also speak kindly to yourself. Know that you were doing the best that you could know that you didn't have the resources. And know that now, okay, I realize what's going on now I am gonna reach out and get myself the resources right?
[00:13:24] So being honest with yourself about what you need to change for your health, for your quality of life, for your emotional and mental wellbeing does not need to come by being mean to yourself. That that's, that's bullshit. Um, You know, brutal honesty can sometimes be hard and uncomfortable, but it doesn't need to be cruel.
[00:13:47] So I wanted to just kind of offer up three skills around this that you can sort of start to use. Right Again, if you're still like questioning, well, I don't think I do that, or I don't agree with her. That's like if like, I am disgusting, I am gross, I do look fat, these pants are too tight. I need to do something around it.
[00:14:07] Right. It might take some time to kind of accept what's going on because we're so used to doing this, it can kind of feel like, like an affront when someone tells you that what you're doing is actually problematic behavior. I get that. I'm not expecting you to listen to this and all of a sudden be like, oh my God, I've got a major problem.
[00:14:21] I need to address it. Just sit with it. Start to notice after you've listened to this, start to notice what's coming up and the first thing you can do. It's just say hello to those thoughts. Acknowledge them. Oh, there it is again. Here I am standing in front of the mirror doing that thing that I always do.
[00:14:37] What's going on with that? Where's that coming from? Just kind of say hello, acknowledge it. Try not to judge it. See if you can kind of catch the spiral that starts to happen and just sort of see almost like you're kind of looking at yourself from the outside kind of thing. I'm not gonna say get objective because that's, that's kind of a couple steps like beyond this, but it's like a, notice what you notice.
[00:15:01] Notice how often you are speaking to yourself this way. Notice how insidious it can be and how it can come up in, in the most unexpected of places. Number two. Accept what human bodies do and have sci bulging, squishing, folding, rolling dimples, discoloration. This is part of being human. What you see in all these images on social media are not real.
[00:15:35] They have been retouched and doctored and filtered and all of these things. You have to start to accept and acknowledge what it means to be human and what human bodies do. Until that happens, it's gonna be very hard to do this work because you're gonna be comparing yourself and holding yourself to a standard of this one body that you saw, and then beyond that, to a body and a face and a look.
[00:16:04] That's not even real because it's been so manipulated on social media. So now you're comparing yourself to something that actually isn't human. Just think about that for a second. An image that has a filter on it, an image that's been retouched, that's not a human anymore, that is not reflecting what a human body looks like, what it does, how it moves.
[00:16:27] We have to get really honest and clear about what human bodies do. All the things that I listed before. The third thing, and I already kind of mentioned this, but I'm just gonna repeat it, is to notice, and this kind of also goes back to the first point about saying hi to your thoughts. Notice when you are being cruel to yourself and know that meaningful lasting change does not come from abuse.
[00:16:52] It doesn't work externally. Like you would never do that to someone you loved as a way to incentivize change. It's not gonna work for you. I know it's easy to get away with it because no one can hear it and no one can see it except for you. And we think that being kind, it's too soft that it's like, ooh, it's like too mushy and like it's not hard.
[00:17:12] It's not disciplined enough, it does not work. You can be realistic and honest and disciplined and still have kindness and compassion for yourself, right? There's, this is not like this huge, like either or. It's a, it's a, it's a both and I don't mean a both and, and being kind and cruel. I mean a both. And in terms of being disciplined, being honest, having structure, having guidelines and being kind.
[00:17:39] In fact, very often those things are kindness itself. So long-term change, the changes you want, whether they are physical, meaning fat loss. Or you want to get stronger or you want to have a different look to your body. All of these things are fine as long as they align with your values. Separate conversation, but they will not come from you being constantly mean to yourself.
[00:18:08] Criticizing yourself, abusing, abusing yourself. They will not happen. They will may happen for a short term. They will not last. That is not how humans are built. So again, just accepting that, noticing when you're doing that and then slowly starting to shift that language over time is what is going to create the change.
[00:18:27] That's it. That's today's episode. If you are needing support with any of this, I'm here. Reach out. This is work that we do in one-to-one coaching. Um, and there's always a link in the show notes to set up a discovery call. Um, I'm also just here like, To chat if you just got like a question or a story or you know, something like that.
[00:18:49] I'm always here. So thank you for listening. Thanks for being here, and I will see you next week.