episode 127: what does a body confidence before and after photo look like?
On episode 127 of The Diet Diaries I’m diving into the controversial topic of before and after photos and the invisible transformation of improving body confidence and negative body image.
We live in a world of before and after photos—as if that photo tells you every thing about what’s going on with that person. But I have countless photos of myself where I look happy and in a smaller body but was obsessed with food and dieting. So is that really the result we’re after?
As a body image coach, I'm here to help you learn skills that change the way you see yourself and the meaning you assign to what your body looks like. Here's what I'm sharing in today's episode:
Why we can’t rely on before and after photos for the full story
What progress looks like around body confidence and negative body image
The before and after of body image work
The number one skill you need to practice to improve your negative body image
The difference between settling and accepting
My own body image story and invisible transformation
Check out this podcast episode of We Can Do Hard Things for Glennon Doyle’s amazing perspective shift around body image. And also check out this blog post all about how to improve negative body image and body confidence.
The Spring Mini Retreat is Saturday May 20, 10am-4:30 pm at my home in Westfield NJ. One day dedicated just to you, to pay attention to yourself the way you pay attention to everyone else in your life so you can learn the skills that will help you finally feel at ease in your own skin.
$150 includes 2 workshops, yoga, catered lunch, goodie bag and keepsake.
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[00:00:00] Hey everyone, it's episode 127 of The Diet Diaries. This episode is gonna come out on Monday, May 8th. I'm really excited about today's episode, something I've been wanting to talk about, but I think I had a hard time finding the words for. And then a while ago, several months ago, I was talking, uh, with my former coach.
[00:00:30] And we were kind of having a conversation about all this, and she helped me kind of come up with the articulation I'm gonna share with you guys today. Um, before I do that, just wanted to quickly mention the spring mini retreat at my house in Westfield. It's coming up soon. It's next Saturday, May 20th. Um, I ended up kind of changing the plan of the original big weekend retreat in the Catskills, and now it's one day at my house.
[00:00:52] We're gonna do two workshops. One is gonna be a values inventory, one is gonna be a body image intensive, and the food piece is gonna be woven into both of those. Um, so these workshops are gonna be interactive and reflective. You are gonna walk away with skills and very clear action steps. This is not just like, Fluff or like a data dump of information and you go home and you're like, okay, that was great.
[00:01:16] Like, I don't know what to do now. I'm more confused than ever. Um, you're gonna have a very clear action plan. Um, we're gonna have lunch together. I'm bringing in lunch, I think from Feast Catering. So if you're a local person, uh, you know, it's one of my favorite spots. I'm super excited and we're gonna do a yoga class together and there'll be a little bit of downtime and there's gonna be a goodie bag and I'm just.
[00:01:34] I'm super, super excited about this. Totally accessible 10:00 AM to 4:30 PM so definitely could put other people out, like there could be an inconvenience there. It is a whole day. And also it's not an entire weekend and it's something, right? There's very much in like this between all or nothing is always something.
[00:01:54] And one day of this dedicated to yourself, 10:00 AM to 4:30 PM counts. And there is so much that you can do in this really focused kind of safe space, um, that we're gonna have together. At my house. Super comfortable, comfy clothes, like make yourself at home. It's gonna be awesome. $150. So there's a link in the show notes and in Instagram and all that stuff.
[00:02:16] Reach out if you've got questions. Okay, so today I wanna talk about kind of a different, kind of before and after. I've talked about before and after photos before I did an episode. Way back, it was a while ago. Um, I will look it up and try to link it in the show notes. But today I wanted to talk about kind of before and after, specifically in the context of body image, because there is no visible transformation when you learn how to shift the way that you feel about your body.
[00:02:55] It's all on the inside. And I think that's one of the big reasons why it just kind of gets pushed aside because we are so conditioned in our culture and our society to need to see some type of like physical, tangible evidence. And I get that right? This is part of the way our brains work, right? So this is not like faulting anyone or replacing blame.
[00:03:17] It's just kind of acknowledging why we think the way that we do. Um, and we are used to seeing like a person. Looks one way before, usually in a bigger body, and then now they are in a smaller body after. And we extrapolate a whole bunch of information in between the before and the after about what that means, and we just instantly assume that they're happier, that they feel better, that their quality of life is better.
[00:03:45] And that is just, that is way too reductionist. It is just not that simple. Um, and I have spoken to countless people, clients, um, friends, colleagues who have been in a smaller body and been unhappy. I. Either because of the way that they got there, because they were making a lot of sacrifices to their mental and emotional wellbeing in order to lose weight, possibly because of health issues that can cause you to lose weight that are definitely not improving your quality of life, um, because of severely disordered eating or potentially even a clinical eating disorder.
[00:04:19] Like we don't know what is going on with someone. And kind of the, the flip side of that is when you make a shift in body image, a positive shift. You don't necessarily see that. However, I wanted to share a text message that I got from a former client about a month or so ago. I'm literally pulling it up on my phone right now.
[00:04:42] We worked together for almost a year, and a big part of our work was around body image, right? She came in knowing that she didn't want to diet anymore, that she wanted to work on feeling comfortable and finding acceptance in her current body, um, which was at a, um, a healthy weight for her and. We did a lot of work around, around food and meals and protein and movement and body image was kind of the, the part that we did more towards like the second half of our time together.
[00:05:15] Um, cuz sometimes because it is less tangible, it's harder to work on those skills at first. So anyway, she reached out, this was about a month ago, and she sent me a text. And she wrote, I think you are the gift that keeps on giving. I was with a friend last night telling her about the work I was doing with you.
[00:05:32] She was talking about losing 10 pounds she gained over the winter. I mentioned how I am not actively dieting anymore. She actually. She actually said she thought I had lost some weight. Honestly, I know it's the clothes I'm wearing and how comfortable I am feeling. It's so nice. It's not every day, but definitely more than not.
[00:05:50] Now I'm sharing that with you for kind of obvious reasons, and what's interesting is in that message is someone commenting on her body about how she looks and. I've done episodes about that and talked about that around how we are conditioned to do that, right? Her friend does that from a very well-meaning, caring kind of place.
[00:06:10] But what's interesting is that when you feel good about your body or feel more neutral, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna, I'm gonna change the language on that. When you feel more neutral, which sometimes can, can feel good, right? Just the absence of feeling really shitty about how you look and feeling more neutral about it can feel good, right?
[00:06:35] So, feeling good is kind of a very subjective term. It changes the way that you show up in the world. It changes the way that you carry yourself, that you present yourself, that you interact with people. And so this, her friend's perception was that she had lost 10 pounds when she hadn't, she had lost a little bit of weight while we were together.
[00:06:51] But it was about the way that she was feeling about herself that gave off a different vibe and in a way kind of made her appear or look different, and that is internal work, right? There was no actual major physical transformation or weight loss that happened. It came because she learned and practiced skills for months and months and months.
[00:07:14] And did a lot of hard work and continues to do a lot of work. Like she said at the end, it's not every day, but it's more days than not. That's how this goes. Friends, like this isn't like a all or nothing a hundred percent of the time. I'm feeling great about how I look. It's a, it's a shift from. Most of the days feeling really shitty to most of the days, feeling really neutral and having the skills that you need to work through it.
[00:07:37] And this is what I call an invisible transformation. That's kind of the language that I had talked to my coach about several months ago. Um, because you don't. It doesn't always come out. In this case it did, and that's why I wanted to share that text with you. Um, but a lot of times it doesn't. And here's a great example.
[00:07:56] So I shared a reel of myself a couple months ago. It was a si I filmed myself recording a podcast and I filmed it from this side. I had like a, a, I think I used, I had my phone, I think it was filming with my phone, like some B-roll or whatever. And so I, you can't necessarily always see 'em. They're fine.
[00:08:11] But I do not have a defined jaw line. I have like a double chin. I have, I just don't have like a shape to my jaw. I really haven't ever, um, I can see pictures of myself like in high school. Um, And I didn't, it's just not, I just don't have that like, right. Just like some people have brown hair and some people have blonde hair, some people have really defined jaw lines and some people don't.
[00:08:32] Like, it's all normal. Um, but I have always been self-conscious about it. Obviously now I'm 43 and I have more body fat on my body than I do even in high school. So it looks different and I have never liked how it has looked. Um, and it's really not something you can do about unless like you have plastic surgery.
[00:08:53] Um, And I posted this reel of myself from this angle, and I talked about how that was my invisible transformation. You would never, you'd have no idea, but the fact that I was able to post that reel and just feel kind of like whatever about it was huge progress. And when I say whatever, I mean neutral.
[00:09:11] It's like, okay, this is what I look like. Do I love this? Look? No, I don't. Do I now let it impact me? Do I let it cause me to go on like diet to do like weird neck exercises? I will tell you, I remember in college I read about this somewhere laying on my bed and hanging my head off the end edge of my bed and nodding my head up and downright to work those muscles, which could, to be perfectly honest, have great strength benefits for the neck, but from an aesthetic purpose.
[00:09:42] Like you can't spot train anything like that, right? Like you can't. That's a separate topic. Um, but I have done things to try and like deal with these parts of my body that I so despised and felt so self-conscious about, and now it's just like, whatever, this is what I look like, it, this is what it is. I accept that because I cannot change that.
[00:10:05] What I can change, what I can control is how I respond to those thoughts. I see that and I'm now like, okay, it doesn't really bother me. Him. If I do have the negative thoughts, I respond by reminding myself that it's okay. It's normal to have this. All bodies are different, right? This is a part of my body that doesn't maybe look like what we've been told is ideal.
[00:10:28] I. That's kind of like a whole just made up story and it's not real. And I think about all the things like I feel really good in my body and I don't have, I don't have neck pain. There are people who have like maybe, you know, much more defined jaws and aesthetically speaking, like, look the way we think we're supposed to look, but walk around like in chronic neck pain, I'm thinking about a blogger that I have followed for years who I think is gorgeous and who has like a.
[00:10:54] Um, culturally, I'm gonna say stereotypically like, you know, small, petite, thin body and she has chronic neck pain and is constantly going through all this stuff, right? So it's about thinking about your body as something other than something that is looked at. Right. That's what results look like when you have an invisible transformation.
[00:11:16] You don't see these external results, you don't see a bigger body moving to a smaller body. You can't see the skills that you're using in your mind. Um, I shared a post on Instagram a couple of weeks ago. About wearing, uh, two piece bathing suits and how I used to wear them years ago. And then I stopped for many years and I think it was two summers ago I started wearing them again.
[00:11:39] Um, not because my body had gone through any transformation. It has not, my body has pretty much stayed at the same weight for the last really handful of years, more or less. Um, but I'm like, this is my body. I really like some two piece bathing suits. They're easier to wear, like just to go to the bathroom, like just logistically easier and I want to wear them.
[00:12:03] And it's a story that I'm telling myself that I don't have a quote bikini body. Right? Like, what does that even mean? That's a, that's a thing. That's a made up thing. That's a marketing thing. That's not a real thing. Um, that's not like the sun and the moon and the earth spins on its access. That's not science.
[00:12:19] That's something that somebody made up to sell us stuff a long time ago, and now we just accept it as something real and factual. But it's not, it's kind of like a little bit of a mind fuck when you start to think about all these things that we just take as like the sky is blue. We just accept them as if they are real, as if they are science and factual and they're just not.
[00:12:37] And that is one of them. Um, So I shared this post and I talk about how it's normal for bodies to roll and squish and fold and bend, and I can now walk around in a bathing suit or lie in a lounge chair where my stomach will round and literally I will look pregnant. Right? That's, and I'm using that just an analogy to describe the shave of my body, not like a negative way.
[00:12:58] Um, and when I bend, when I sit, my stomach is bulging out and it's rolling, and it's folding and it's squishing and all that is normal, and I'm now able to do that. And kind of not give a shit. That's an invisible transformation because for years I would like strategically position like, well, my legs have to be bent at just the right angle, and if I suck my stomach in and have the have the lounge chair at this angle, then I'll look this way.
[00:13:23] And if I just place like my cover up or have my knee bent this way, it'll all be like perfect. Um, oh God. It's exhausting to do that. And if you're listening to this high guarantee, you know what I am talking about cuz you have been there and you may still be there and that's okay. Part of me doing this epi this episode is to share with you what's possible, and I'm gonna talk through a couple skills, is not just gonna be all kind of like stories and anecdotes, um, and.
[00:13:51] The, the, the flip side of that is, do I love how it looks? No, I don't love how it looks, but I feel neutral. I see it. I accept that this is what my body is. I carry weight in my stomach. It just is, it has always been this way since like middle of high school. This is how my body is. I cannot change that. I have tried and in the byproduct, Destroyed my quality of life, destroyed my mental health.
[00:14:19] Been obsessed with food, obsessed with exercise in, in a such an unhealthy way. And that's what I say. I have pictures of myself where I am 15, close to 20 pounds lighter than I am right now. And because I'm taller, when I lose and gain weight, it's not quite as visible as it is on someone shorter. There's just more surface area, like that's just again, like science.
[00:14:43] But I see those pictures and I know cause I remember and I look happy, but on the inside, I, I knew, like I was miserable and thinking about what am I going, we're going out after this event that this picture was taken. What am I going to eat? Or I ate too much at breakfast, so I can't eat this at lunch. Or, um, I had dessert last night, so I can't have all of this stuff and I look happy.
[00:15:05] And you people be like, oh my God, you look great. Well, if you saw my brain, you'd see it was like a hot mess. And so that's what I'm talking about, these invisible transformations that people don't see, and then we think like, oh, well, they don't count, or they're not worthy because nobody's complimenting us.
[00:15:19] And that's why this work has to come from inside. That's why it's so connected to values and taking action in a way that's aligned with your values. So it's coming internally from you and you're learning to not rely on other people's praise or reaction or commentary of what you look like, because.
[00:15:38] That's all they know. They can't, they don't know what's going on in your head. They don't know what your behaviors are and your thoughts are and your emotions are. Um, so part of this work, one of the skills, let's kind of start to get a little more specific, is learning to value and appreciate your body for what it does for you.
[00:15:58] So I want you to make a list of that. Come up with three things. Keep this short of what your body. Allows you to do or helps you do that is not related to what it looks like. These could be things like going for a walk, um, gardening with my family, playing sports with my kid, um, going swimming with my kids at the beach.
[00:16:23] Um, traveling and being able to walk around a city, um, hugging someone like literally you may roll your eyes and think that's silly and be like, okay, whatever. These are the skills you guys like, this is what it is. And, and I totally get that. It may seem like, oh, that's not gonna help. But when you start to use these and implement them on a regular basis, they absolutely do help.
[00:16:48] Um, so pick three things that your body, you do with your body that has nothing to do with how it looks, that that feels good, that makes you happy. And when you start, when you catch those negative thought patterns and you are talking abusively to yourself, because that's what it is. You're gonna pause and you're gonna think about those three things, and you're gonna do that, you're gonna start doing that over and over and over and over again.
[00:17:11] It's gonna take time, but this is a skill that starts to help you perceive your body as something other than to be looked at. Um, another skill is identifying, and it's kind of connected to that, but a little bit separate. Other sources of, of joy in self-care. Um, my friend and colleague Erica Webb, uh, created a joy inventory and I think it's such a brilliant idea.
[00:17:37] Um, and around body image, it can be that, and it can also be around self-care. How do you take care of yourself, um, coming up with a list of those things, right? How are you? I wanna share another quote with you from my favorite. You guys know, I've talked about, um, Seleka Juad before. She wrote between two Kingdoms.
[00:17:58] And she shared something in a newsletter a while ago. This was in February, and I have this quote cut and pasted into my notes. I'm gonna read it to you. She shared this, um, she has just, she, uh, survived leukemia 10 years ago and had a recurrence about 18 months ago. So she's currently going through treatment.
[00:18:18] Here's what she wrote. I'm looking for small, simple ways to feel good in my body, to be reminded of pleasure. I've started a little ritual each morning after my shower of combing my chemo fluff, putting on some lip balm and applying a facial oil that smells so good. It's caring for my body in a way that isn't essential, that goes beyond brushing my teeth and taking my meds.
[00:18:37] I see it as a small act of love for my body. I mean, I don't need mic drop or mic drop. I don't need to say anything else beyond that. So I ask you to come up with a list of how can you take care of your body in a way that isn't even necessarily about like exercise and maybe isn't even about, um, eating nutritious foods, right?
[00:19:01] Because there's a lot of stuff that's linked up in that, more things around that feel luxurious, where you are really taking care of your body in a way that feels special, that goes beyond like, Kind of the fundamentals. And not to say that it isn't self-care, it isn't. But I want you to start to notice what are you doing beyond kind of the basics, right?
[00:19:20] This is another skill. Um, and kind of the last thing, well, two more things I wanted to talk about. Again, I'm looking at my notes. Um, I mentioned this earlier around neutrality, that one of the most important things around this invisible transformation is the goal is not to. Love your body or love the way it looks.
[00:19:43] Those are different things. It's to feel neutral and to find some gratitude for what your body does for you. Um, the goal is neutrality and what that means is where you are not kind of d deriving any significant pleasure. Or any negativity from the size and shape of your body, right? It kind of goes both ways that your body, you're just sort of like, okay, this is the size and shape of my body.
[00:20:11] It kind of is what it is now. Yes, you can get dressed, you can put on makeup, you can wear certain clothes into your hair in a way that you like and that feels good. That can happen independent of your size and shape. This isn't about never wanting to look like how you look. It's about learning to not rely on the size and shape of your body.
[00:20:30] To, for your joy, for your happiness, for your contentment. Um, it's because you can't control those things. It's about learning to find joy and contentment and happiness around your body from things you can control. And that kind of leads into one of the last points I wanted to talk around, talk about around body acceptance.
[00:20:50] It's not settling, it's not giving up, it's getting clear on the difference between what you can control. And what you can't control and taking action on the things that you can, right? So you, yes, you can go on a diet to try and control the size and shape of your body, except you can't control the outcome of that, right?
[00:21:10] You can change what you're eating and restrict food and follow rules, and you may or may not lose weight. What you can control is why am I choosing these foods, right? Using your skills. How am I using foods? Am I eating in a way that I enjoy? Am I getting getting enough nutrition? Am I full after meals?
[00:21:30] How am I using snacks? Am I emotionally eating? Am I sitting down at a table, right? You can use your skills so that in the moment, while you're eating, while you feel good, so that whatever the outcome is around the size and shape of your body. You are enjoying that process, you're enjoying every single one of those, um, actions and behaviors, and that's what feels good.
[00:21:54] So again, coming back to this idea around acceptance and focus, focusing on what you can control and what you can't control, um, and. As you learn to take action on what you can control and identify the difference between, I can control this and I can't control this, that helps you get to that place of neutrality.
[00:22:18] Can I control what clothes I put on? Can I control, um, how I do my makeup or my hair? Can I control the language that I use to talk to myself? Yep, you can control. All of that. Can I control where my body carries stomach fat? Can I control where my body carries weight in my jaw? Nope. Can't control that. So to spend my time and energy and effort on those things is kind of futile, and it just pulls me down deeper and deeper and deeper because I can't actually do anything about that.
[00:22:47] And then that's why it becomes this vicious cycle when you try to control things that can't be controlled, that's where you get into a really bad place because you're putting your energy into something that you just can't change. When you focus your energy and effort into things, you can change how you respond to your thoughts, how you respond to your emotions, how you're showing up for yourself.
[00:23:05] Those little acts of kind of self-kindness, that's when things start to change when you are doing that stuff consistently. Okay. So kind of three specific skills that we talked about. Um, coming up with a list of things that you do with your body that feel good, that are not about how it looks. Um, coming up with a short list of, um, Ways to take care of your body that are not about sort of the fundamentals that are kind of above and beyond and really treating yourself kindly and really starting to practice acceptance and starting to notice what are the things I can control?
[00:23:40] What are the things that I can't control? Um, one last thing I just wanted to quickly mention is, I love Glennon Doyle. Um, I don't listen to every episode of her podcast. I listen to some and she has been going through eating disorder recovery and talking about that. And I have been following along with those episodes.
[00:24:00] She did one a couple of weeks ago where she talks about body image. It's a phenomenal episode. I'm gonna link it in the show notes. Um, it's absolutely worth listening to what she talks about or especially like around like the movement piece are things that. You've heard me talk about here, um, kind of about neutrality, about not loving your body, about kind of being in your body and using your body.
[00:24:23] And your body is like, It's kind of like how you move through the world. It's not like a thing to be looked at. It's a real kind of, um, it's a great perspective shift and I'm just sharing it as another resource cause I think you'll enjoy it and, um, we can never have enough of these resources in our lives.
[00:24:41] So thank you for listening. As always, reach out if you need support and um, of course, I will be back next week.