episode 177: are you causing someone else’s body image issues?
Thanks for listening to episode 177 of The Diet Diaries.
Today’s conversation is really close to my heart, especially as we lead up to the launch of Soft Body Summer in 2 weeks!!
I’m talking about something that’s been on my mind a lot: how we talk about other people’s bodies. And whether we are inadvertently causing other people's body image issues.
We often default to complimenting weight loss as if it’s always a positive thing, but let’s unpack that. What are we really saying when we comment on someone’s size change? How might this impact them if the reasons behind their appearance changes aren’t happy or healthy ones?
There is SO much nuance to this that we need to think through.
We're taught since birth to see weight loss as universally good and weight gain as bad, but the realities are far more complex. This conversation is about questioning our reflex reactions and considering a more thoughtful approach to how we interact with each other about our bodies.
Some questions I’m thinking through in today’s episode:
Why do we find it acceptable to comment on weight loss but not weight gain?
What does this say about our cultural attitudes towards body size?
How can we shift away from compliments that focus on body size/shape?
And just a heads up that Soft Body Summer is coming! May 20—June 9. A three week self guided mini course and private Instagram chat group. Learn 3 essential skills so you can feel at ease in your body and have your most confident, relaxed summer yet. At any size and in any shape. Sign up opens May 13!
Check out episodes 171 an 176 of The Diet Diaries for more resources and support around body image issues.
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177
[00:00:00] Good morning, everyone, or whenever you're listening to this. I'm recording it in the morning, so I'm saying good morning. I'm recording this on Monday, April 29th. It happens to be a super hot day in New Jersey. I'm in shorts and a tank top and wore sandals. It's crazy. Um, a little soon for me, but, you know, a couple days ago it was like 50, so I'll take it.
Um, so you might hear the air conditioner in the background. Sorry, I'm not showing it off. Um, I also, personal update, just came from the orthodontist and now have rubber bands along with my Invisalign. Um, and the orthodontist promised me that I hear the lisp way more than other people hear it. So, I'm going to try and keep it in maybe now when I do the podcasts.
Um, And I just can't be bothered to take these rubber bands out. I just got them put in. So anyway, if you hear a little bit, a little bit of a lisp, this is why I'm self conscious about it. But, um, I guess there's probably a [00:01:00] lot to learn here and more practice around body image stuff. Because really, like, it kind of all is the same thing, right?
All connected. Um, quick announcement. So this is going to come out on Monday, May, whatever the Monday is. I don't know. Um. And which means we're going to be a week away from registration opening for SoftBody Summer. So I'm just going to quickly talk about that because there's a little bit more, I've got more details out.
Um, this is going to be three weeks of support. And you're going to learn a specific skill each week starting Monday, May 20th. So it's going to run, start right before Memorial Day, go through Memorial Day until like the first two weeks of June. You're going to learn a specific skill each week and you're going to have the chance to customize it and personalize it for you.
So it's not going to be me talking about generic skills the way that I do on social media, right, because that is like just naturally going to be more generic. You are going to have the space and the support and the time and the resources to customize those for you. So [00:02:00] they are practical, they are usable, they are helpful, and they actually create the that you want them to.
Um, And it's going to be delivered on email. So if you did project plate plan, same kind of thing, super easy. You're not going to have to like log into anything and deal with all that. I want this to be turnkey and simple and accessible. And then there's going to be a group chat and Instagram, a private group chat for the people who have joined.
And the reason I chose Instagram is because social media is the source of a lot of our stress and anxiety around. body image stuff in general. And so I kind of wanted the support to be in that place. So where you are maybe like almost most susceptible to, you know, your brain kind of going crazy. I wanted the support to be there.
Um, and it's going to be very much a group support, right? A way to check in, have accountability, ask questions, share photos. I will obviously be in there sharing, but it's going to be just as much about you guys sharing as it is about me sharing. Um, It's super affordable. It's gonna be 39 and obviously you'll have these resources to keep with [00:03:00] you.
There's gonna be specific worksheets and things to fill out. So it's gonna be very action oriented and you will walk away. My vision is kind of like with like a workbook. I'm not exactly sure what that is going to look like yet, but it's going to be something tangible that you will have to refer back to.
Um, so you have a kind of an ongoing support system for these skills. And so that you go into this summer feeling you're most confident and you're most at ease, right? Does that mean these thoughts have disappeared? No, that's never realistic. That's never the goal. The goal is for you to have support, um, and useful skills to help you navigate those thoughts and feelings so that your only resort isn't to end up crying in your closet, going on a shitty diet.
You know, feeling miserable in a bathing suit, hiding under a cover up, not wanting to wear shorts, and avoiding things, right? We don't want you avoiding. We want you living. So, that's what I wanted to share about that. And so kind of in like a fitting vein, I [00:04:00] had this on my list of podcast ideas and was kind of deciding between two ideas for today.
I'll always, I'll end up doing them all. Um, I was like, no, I'm gonna talk about this today. And This is not a new topic. Um, What I'm going to talk about is the way we comment about other people's bodies. This conversation came up recently with a client and she and I have been talking a lot about it. And so I said to her, I'm like, I'm gonna do a podcast about this.
Um, I'm kind of surprised that I haven't yet, but here we go. Because I think so many people are out there talking about it, um, but the truth is, this, this is one of those things we need to hear way more than once for it to really sink in. And I think I have a little bit of a different approach and a mindset to it than maybe you might hear.
So we are very accustomed to making comments when we have seen that someone has lost weight, right? What comes out of our mouth is, oh [00:05:00] my god, you lost weight, you look so great. And we have always assumed that that was a compliment, that was a positive thing, because the person will be like, will respond and say, oh, thank you.
They'll say something like, oh, thank you, I've been trying really hard. Or, oh, thanks, I still have a long way to go. Or, oh my god, I can't believe you noticed, I feel like I still look so gross. Right? It could be any, any range of those responses. Um, but here's the thing. When we And it comes from a well meaning place, right?
We've all done this. I've done this. You've done this. We still continue to do it without even thinking about it. It's just we're so conditioned to speak this way and communicate this way and think about bodies in this way is really the underlying thing. And it comes from a well meaning place, right? It never comes from a negative place.
But there's a total dichotomy here, right? You see someone who visually you think has lost weight and you comment and you say, Oh my God, you look great. If you see someone who you think [00:06:00] has gained weight, you don't ever comment to the, say, comment to them and say, oh my God, you gained weight. You look great.
Right? You literally would laugh out loud hearing me say that 'cause you'd be like, yeah, I would never do that. And why? And the simple answer is, we have been told that under any and all circumstances, weight loss is good, and weight gain is bad. But the reality is that is there is nothing true about that whatsoever.
And I've talked about that many times before, and the commenting on people's bodies is just one way in which it kind of manifests itself. Because we, unless you know someone's specific history and not what you think you know, like what you really know, and trust me, you don't know as much as you think you do.
You don't know what is going on for that person. You don't know why they've lost weight or how they've done it. You don't know why they've gained weight or how that has [00:07:00] happened. Um, and even what they're willing to share with you is probably not always the full truth because we carry a lot of shame around food and eating and what our bodies look like.
And it is very hard to talk openly about it because of the pressure that we live under. And so in a split second, when you're making that comment to someone openly, you've lost weight, you look great, or thinking in your head, Oh my God, she's gained weight. She doesn't look good. Right? You don't say that one out loud.
You keep that one to yourself. Or you say something to another friend about it. We're not thinking about all of that underlying context. But now, hopefully, you can start to do that and start to catch yourself and notice just like with any of the work we do that's about us, this is catching how you're communicating with other people and noticing what you're doing and starting to question where does this come from?
Why do I do it? Because here's the thing. If you see someone and you think [00:08:00] that they have lost weight, you don't know how or why they have lost weight. Have they been on some shitty diet that's made them miserable? And so when you tell them they look great, it reinforces the misery that they've been in.
Um, Maybe they've been sick. Maybe they have some crazy stress going on in their life that you know nothing about and the byproduct for them is weight loss. And then you're like, oh my god, you look great. And they're going through some terrible life event that you know nothing about, right? There's so much context that is, oh, I just bit my tongue, so important.
that goes, that then gets reinforced in a way that can be really, really detrimental. So you're trying to be kind and supportive and well meaning when you tell someone this, but you could inadvertently be actually harming them. And that's why this is such an important conversation. There are so many other ways to compliment someone other than their size [00:09:00] and shape.
That top looks great on you, I love the way your hair looks, oh my gosh I love that eyeshadow or your makeup looks so pretty, I love those earrings, oh my gosh you look like you're in such a good mood today, um, you look really happy today, what's going on? Like there are so many things that you could say that have nothing to do with the size of their body or the shape of their body.
End. Look, look, I, I, first of all, don't believe and will never sit here and tell you that appearances don't matter in our society, in our culture, or that it's not okay to care about your appearance. It's totally fine to care about your appearance. I care about my appearance. Why do I do my hair? Why do I put on makeup?
Why do I work with a stylist? I care about my appearance. But there's a difference between relying on that for all of your self worth and And doing it because, for you, because it makes you feel more like you. And that you do it regardless of what someone else is going [00:10:00] to say about it. Right? So, if you want to compliment someone on how they look, there are so many ways to do that.
Whether you notice that they've lost weight or gained weight, or their body size and shape hasn't changed at all, in any circumstance. You can compliment someone on a part of their appearance. It might be a way that you're not used to doing, and that's what I'm hoping to get you thinking about. Start paying attention to how you compliment people, how you communicate them, what you say, what you say about other people to certain people, right?
And start noticing, looking for opportunities to do that in a different way. Because I will tell you, when I did Isagenix 10 years ago, And I was at my lowest weight that I had been since high school, and fitting into pants that I hadn't fit into in a very long time. And people, of course, were noticing, like, oh my god, I can see you've lost weight.
You look great. And as I came to the end of that Isagenix cleanse, I had done this, you know, [00:11:00] if you eat 1200 calories a day, and then I think it was every other week, or maybe it was every week, I don't remember. You just didn't eat at all for like an entire day. It's basically like, I'm not going to call it a starvation diet, it's pretty close to that, but it is eating the minimal, the bare minimum amount of food to get by.
So of course you're going to lose weight. I was so panicked. Because I knew I couldn't do that forever. That's not a sustainable way to live, nobody can do that forever. So as the end of the 30 days was coming up, and I'm like, Oh my God, what am I going to do? I'm in a total panic about how I'm going to maintain this weight loss.
And then what happens when I gain it back? And people see that. So when you compliment someone on their weight loss, then you reinforce to them that, Oh, this person values me for what I look like. And what happens when I gain it back? Are they still going to like me the same way? Are they still going to think the same thing?
Are they still going to think I look good? Are they going to think I look ugly? I know you aren't [00:12:00] intentionally saying that, and I know you don't actually think those things, but this is how our brains work, and you know it because you've been on the receiving end of it. And so, we don't want to be harming each other, and we inadvertently do because we're humans, but it's like when you know better, do better.
And this is totally one of those situations where maybe you've never thought about this before, and that's okay, but now I hope I'm giving you some things to think about. So you can really understand, like, the significance of this, and that it's not as, like, simple as, like, Oh yeah, she looked great. I told her she lost weight.
She looked great. Like, and that's it. There are so many implications to that seemingly harmless and well intentioned statement that you are not thinking about, that you need to be thinking about. Because change starts with us. And if we want to be creating a culture where there is less emphasis on size and shape for happiness, for self [00:13:00] worth, for representation, we need to be leading the way, so to speak.
Um. And the flip side of this, which I've, I talked about in a separate podcast where I talked about gaining weight, whereas if someone has been overly restricting food or has been going through a very stressful time or has lost weight for a reason that you know nothing about that has either been in a very self harming way or because of a health issue or stress or something else, and then they gain weight, that's a good thing.
Right? If they have been restricting and have healed their relationship with food and they've gained weight, that's a good thing. Right? If they've just gone through like some type of medical treatment that maybe you know nothing about and they've gained weight, that's a good thing. So there is so much That we don't know and we are making way too many assumptions when we make these comments.
Now, what I will say is that, like, I'm a coach, right? [00:14:00] So if I was working with a client who's working on fat loss and I can see, like, let's say when we meet, a difference or they talk about something that's physically different. That's a relationship in which there is knowledge, there is trust, there is connection, there is vulnerability.
And, um, You know. Hopefully, there's, you know, I mean, that's really, uh, you know, what should be happening is that there's like that trust and that openness. You know what's going on. And therefore, it's okay to say something, right? Because you know that person has been working on this in a healthy, safe, um, self kind way, right?
They haven't been on some crash diet, right? They're working with support. They're working with a coach. Um, and it's been happening over a long period of time. You know, if you have a relationship with someone. And only you know this, right? And you have to know how much you think you know. A very, very close friend or a family member who [00:15:00] is very honest with you, who shares with you, and you know if they've been working on something and working on it in a, again, like in a supportive, like healthy way.
And by healthy, I mean physically and mentally. And you notice a physical difference in their body. And want to say something that can be okay, right? There are definitely situations based on the nature of the relationship and the trust that you have with someone where it can be okay. And, you know, let's say someone has been, you know, living in a bigger body and has had a really disordered relationship with food.
And the reason they've been in a bigger body is because they've been using food in a way that's been really detrimental to them, right? Over a long period of time. And then they start doing work, therapy, coaching, whatever it is, a company, whatever it is. And they start doing work and they're now learning how to eat in a way that feels so much better for them physically and mentally.
Okay. And the byproduct of that Is fat [00:16:00] loss. This is what I always talk about and I'll probably do an episode that the skills that help you feel at ease around food are the same skills that help you lose fat for the reason that I just said. So the byproduct is around fat loss. And you know, and you know that this person is doing that.
Then it's like, okay, it's like, wow, I know you've been working really hard to make these changes. Like, how are you feeling around food? Are things different? Like, I'm noticing that you're looking different. Approach it in that way. Right? So there are certainly. situations in which it can fit. But when you run into someone you haven't seen in a while, or like a casual friend, or a family member that you're not close with, or you see someone like on social media, forget it.
You know, when you see a picture of someone on social media and make a comment about that, no. Like, no. You, you know, you don't know anything. Um, and I'm not saying, I don't mean to sound like mean, I'm just saying, like, you really have to, like, have trust and connection with this person if you're going, and know what's going [00:17:00] on if you're going to say something.
And so it's definitely, as always, it's not a black or white. It's not an all or nothing. There are definitely situations and circumstances in which Commenting can be okay, but what you can always default to is something that doesn't have to do with size and shape. Something about their appearance, which could be more like tangible in terms of clothing or hair or makeup jewelry, or it could also be about like what's kind of like coming out of them.
Like what are they exuding? If someone looks like they're really happier, like in a great mood, or like, You know, sometimes when you wear an outfit, it just like lights you up and you carry yourself differently, you know, things like that which I think are really really special and really speak to the power of how some of these tools we have around our appearance can actually help us feel really good and really [00:18:00] change the way that we move through the world.
Um, Um, You know, and also just keeping in mind, again, like, just to kind of like wrap this up a bit, I share a lot of photos of myself on social media when I get dressed. And people always are like, oh my god, you look great. I love that outfit and that's fine But the reason I do it is not to get those compliments the reason I do it is because I'm a coach I do this for a living and I'm trying to demonstrate to you and model and share with you the skills that I practice to feel good and one of them is Getting dressed and putting an effort into how I look but the thing is is that I do that even on the days when I am at home and don't see anybody.
So there was no one paying me a compliment. There's no one seeing me. The whole idea of like women dress for other women or whatever. Like I don't even do that. Sure. Are there some times where that might happen? Of course. Like, yes. But I work from home in my attic. I see clients three days a week right on zoom.
So only like what you see [00:19:00] if you're watching me on YouTube, like boobs, not even boobs, like chest up. And so I show up and do those things for myself. for me and only me. And so just again, keeping that in mind, when you comment on someone's appearance, how can you take that into consideration, right? Um, Maybe even saying something like, wow, that outfit looks like, you look like so comfortable in that, like that just like works so well for you, or like, you seem like, like really like yourself today, you know, things like that, you know, kind of like ad libbing a little bit.
Um, this is something that I continue to work on again, right alongside with, right alongside you. Um, but really my point in talking about this was to bring awareness. as always to get you thinking about what you're doing. When you know better, you do better. I am doing this work with you. Um, and this is collectively something that we all have an opportunity to shift.
And if we all started to make these small shifts, what could be the ripple effect [00:20:00] of that? So thank you for listening. I'll be back next week, of course. And, um, see you soon.