episode 178: what i learned from working with a stylist
Welcome back to episode 178 of The Diet Diaries, where I’m sharing an intriguing and unexpected aspect of self-care and body image issues—working with a stylist.
What I learned through this process is that a stylist is essentially a wardrobe coach. Because getting dressed is a skill—choosing clothes, putting together outfits, identifying your personal style and what makes you feel like you—these aren’t actions we necessarily know how to do and we get SO easily influenced by outside opinions that we quickly lose connection to what matters to us.
Here’s some of what I talk about today:
The process I went through cleaning out my closet and the big ah ha I had as a result
What a stylist can teach us about our own body image issues and personal style
How decision fatigue affects our daily choices when trying to get dressed
How this connects back to self care
How to figure out what you like and what it means for something to look good
And, Soft Body Summer is open for sign up today! A 3 week self guided course to learn the 3 key skills you need to feel at ease in your body so you can have your most confident summer ever. Click here for all the details and to join us.
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178
Speaker: [00:00:00] Hey friends. Thanks for listening to Diet Diaries. Whenever you are listening to this morning, afternoon, evening, thank you for being here. Um, this episode is getting published on Monday, May 13th, which means today is the first day to join Soft Body Summer. which is my three week kind of DIY self guided course with a community component.
We are going to have a group chat on Instagram so that you can learn the skills you need to feel more at ease in your body and have your most confident summer. And I want to be really clear about this because we are going to learn and personalize and practice three distinct skills over our three weeks together.
And also, that's not the be all end all. I'm not going to sit here and tell you at the end of those three weeks, like, you're good to go, you've mastered it, you're never going to have a negative thought about your body again. Like, that's completely [00:01:00] ridiculous. That is not how this works. And anyone who tells you that they're going to transform your life in three weeks or six weeks or eight weeks or whatever it is, is lying to you.
Um, because that's just not how change works. That's not how the brain works. So what this is going to do is give you the support and the foundation to learn and practice these skills so then you can keep practicing them. You can take them with you. You are going to have to show up and continue to do that work, not just through the summer, but quite honestly, for the rest of your life.
So, What I will tell you is having this structure is such an amazing way to get started and having the support of the group and having me to kind of guide you through it is an incredible way to learn and practice these skills, so that practicing them over the long term It gets a lot easier. And that's really how change happens, right?
It becomes easier to practice the skills. The volume and the frequency of those loud, self hating thoughts about your body starts to go down. [00:02:00] You're able to respond with your skills much more quickly and kind of de escalate the whole situation. And, you know, that's really what this is about, is change.
helping to improve kind of your self efficacy, your belief that you can learn these skills and make these changes, because the skills themselves are simple. Practicing them consistently takes, takes practice, it takes effort, and that's why having the accountability and support to do it in a group format over three weeks is awesome.
Um, I think this is the kind of thing that you don't realize. that you need it until someone puts it in front of you because we're so used to thinking of, I need to go on a diet, I need to work out more, that's how I'm going to fix all these issues. It's not how you're going to fix it. You're never going to fix it that way.
If you were going to fix it that way, you would have already fixed it by now. always comes back to that. If the stuff that you were doing was going to work, it would have worked by now. There's a reason why you keep going back over and over and over and over again to the same things and why you keep [00:03:00] feeling stuck and wondering why nothing is changing.
Because what you're doing isn't working. It's not addressing the actual issues. You can't fix body image issues with a diet. It's like, it's like trying to drink water when you're tired. It works for a little while, very briefly, you're tired, drink some water, you kind of wake up and you feel refreshed, and then like, An hour later, like, shit, I'm still really tired.
Same thing happens. You go on a diet and you're like, oh, I'm eating better. I'm eating cleaner. I'm eating healthier. I feel better. I lost a couple pounds. And then a couple weeks or a month or even a few months into it, when you can't sustain that anymore, and you go off the rails, so to speak, you're like, oh shit, now I feel worse than ever because I just binged on this thing.
And now I'm gross and disgusting. And you still feel shitty about your body. So registration is open today, 39, three weeks, one skill per week. So you finish with a little mini workbook because you're going to have specific assignments to really cement this and personalize it for you. You're going to have this little mini workbook when you're done [00:04:00] to refer back to, which is going to help you continue to carry and practice these skills.
Through the summer and well beyond the summer, right? These are skills for life, not just for the summer. Um, there's a link in the show notes to sign up. DM me, send me an email if you've got questions. Registration is open through this week and we start a week from today on Monday, May 20th. So here's what I wanted to talk about today.
About two months ago at this point, I worked for the first time ever in my life with a stylist. Online, virtually, she is based in Chicago and I, as you know, may not, maybe not live in New Jersey. And I had been thinking about doing this for about four or five ish months before I finally pulled the trigger on it.
Um, and what I learned during the process with her, it was so funny, is that like a stylist is basically coaching for clothes or like coaching for your wardrobe. Um, there's a skill set that someone has that I, not that I, well that I don't [00:05:00] have or that my skills are much more kind of rudimentary and I'm not used to thinking about things in the way that she is.
And as I link it back to body image, it's because I'm so emotionally tied. I have so many stories in my head about what I can and can't wear, what does and doesn't look good on me, that I really don't have like any objectivity around it. And that is what she really brought to this. And so the first part of this was a closet clean out where I literally tried on.
every single item of clothing in my closet and we were like, yay or nay. And that took, um, about four and a half ish hours total. We did it over two sessions. By the time we were done, I had gotten rid of, donated, um, At least half of what was in my closet and let me tell you that I am a closet clean out or I am that person I'm constantly getting rid of stuff and donating But there were stuff that I kept holding on to and holding on to and I put it on and [00:06:00] she's like nope Nope, nope and things I was holding on to that.
She was like, oh, yeah That's good, but I wasn't wearing it. And so the idea is to kind of narrow things down so there's less to choose from because I will tell you that decision fatigue in your closet is a real thing. You walk in, you have all these clothes, but yet you're like, I have nothing to wear.
Because you're not clear about what you like, what fits, what's comfortable, which is a skill I've been working on. And there's just too many options and you don't know how to put them together. And so that's what this process really helped with, was narrowing down so I had less things to choose from, but I also got clarity around what did I need, what was missing.
And so now I've been adding to that with like some basics, like some really good quality t shirts that fit nicely. Um, jeans was actually a category that I was lacking in, which I kind of knew, like I had a good amount of jeans, nothing crazy. But I didn't really love any of them. I would buy them, they'd fit well enough, I'd be like, okay, cool.
But I've got to tell you, like, I went through this process with her and I [00:07:00] bought a couple of pairs of jeans that are really, really phenomenal. Um, that she helped guide me to, um, brands and cuts and fabrics that were really going to work for me and feel comfortable. And that has been awesome because now it's easier to get dressed when you're like, boom, I know I love those.
And you don't need a million things that you absolutely love. You just need a few that you can turn to, and then you start putting those things together. And because you love them so much, you automatically feel good. And then you're not, I don't know, the whole thing just becomes like less stressful. And so it was a really fun and eye opening process.
And, you know, I talked about this on an episode maybe a month ago, this idea of like the word kind of flattering. And, you know, it wasn't like about that. It was about putting clothes on my body that felt good, like physically, Obviously that were comfortable that fit and that I liked and then those [00:08:00] inherently become flattering But it's not about like making you look smaller or making you look slimmer It was about me being in my body in a way that felt good And I had so many stories around that that like I can't I'd started wearing belts prior, but it was like Mmm, I don't know about belts.
I don't wear a lot of fitted things. I wasn't wearing a lot of things tucked in because I have so much self consciousness around my belly and my stomach. And what she started to help me see was that That I can wear those things and that they do look good. And I needed a more objective outsider's opinion to help me see that.
Now that's not to say that I was valuing her opinion more than my own, but sometimes we get so caught up in our own stories and our own stuff that we can't see the truth. We can't see the reality and we need help with that. I mean, in a way, that's kind of like what coaching is. And so now I put on these things, and I'm not wearing them, putting them on, saying like, Oh, this is what Selby told me to wear.
I don't really like it. because [00:09:00] she said it. I'm doing it because then I was able to see it and be like, Oh my God, you know what? This does feel great. This does look good. I do like how this looks. Um, and it was just like, so much fun and such an interesting process. And now I also have a sense of like, When I'm buying things, what to focus on, you know, like what, what do I like, how do I like certain things in my body, like different cuts and styles of things and focusing on those, um, and not buying things that are just because I see someone else wearing it on their body type doesn't mean it's going to work for me, and not buying things instantaneously, For that instant gratification and look I see because I follow a lot of stylists I see so much stuff and I click on so many links of things But I don't I've not been impulse buying if there's something I like I'll kind of put it in a cart or I'll save it on the the LTK app and then I'll sit with it and I'll Think about it and I have bought a bunch of new things over the [00:10:00] past two months but they were things that I I sat with and thought about for several weeks in some cases, if not longer, and thought about well, how am I going to wear these and what kind of outfits am I going to put together?
And do I have something in my closet already that's similar to this? And being really strategic and thoughtful about it. And it's put a lot more kind of intentionality back into what's in my closet, why I'm buying things and what I'm wearing. It's been a lot of fun and it's been, it's like a new skill to be honest.
Um, you know, and I've been doing this alongside, you know, trying to follow people who have at least somewhat similar body types to mine. Um, I gotta be honest, I find that. in like, I mean, I guess I'm technically considered like that midsize, right? I usually take like a size 12 or 14. So right on the borderline of like, you know, straight sizing into plus sizing, there's a lot of, a lot of women in that category who are doing like Amazon [00:11:00] hauls and Walmart hauls, and that's all fine.
Um, there's not a lot of women who were doing somewhat higher end clothing in that size range. And this is not to say that I'm buying designer clothes. I'm not. However, I also do like to invest money into nicer pieces, um, like a mix, not even a mix of high and low, because nothing in my closet is like super, super high end, um, and obviously this is all relative and subjective, but I'm really just more sharing an interesting observation that I have not found, and if you have, please tell me, because I would love to know, um, women in the 10, size category.
in more like mid to higher range clothing, like influencers, stylists, whatever. I find that it's either women in like very small sizes doing that. Um, and then yes, there's lots of influencers kind of in the plus size category, but I do find more, um, you know, kind of like more like Amazon type [00:12:00] fashion, which is fine.
I've got stuff from Amazon too. Like I feel like this is going to come out like I'm like, you know, putting that down, and I'm totally not. This is more an observation of a hole that I see, and a very interesting hole. I'm not the one to fill it, um, but I'm looking for it. Um, and that's been a little frustrating.
Kind of a bit of a sidebar. But all this to say that I think this is an area that is overlooked. Certainly to invest money in this is a privilege and a luxury. Hands down, I'm never going to not say that. But what I will say is that the amount of money I have spent over the years on random items of clothing that I either ultimately didn't like and kept, barely wore, wore for a very brief period of time, or were shitty quality probably adds up to way more than the amount of money I invested into working with Selby.
Um, And. We kind of like think sometimes we need to think about what, what, what am I investing my money in and what am I getting out of it? And this was a very, very valuable [00:13:00] service that I have learned a lot from that I'm carrying with me. Um, and I think we tend to hesitate to invest in things like this with ourselves, but there's so much value in it.
Just like you might hire, again, comes with privilege, an interior designer or a personal trainer, um, or like a, a, a, a, a, a chef or a nutrition coach or anything like this where someone can provide you a service with something that you don't know how to do. Again, these are luxuries. but they are very valuable and we are often spending money on a lot of things that don't have value, that don't improve our lives.
And if we added up all that money, we could put it towards something that did have some more value. Not unlike the way we spend a, waste so much time on social media and we're like, I don't have time to work out, I don't have time to cook, I don't have time to meal prep, but I've got hours to spend on Instagram and TikTok.
Same kind of thing here, right? How are we investing? That's like time, energy, and [00:14:00] attention. And how we're choosing to spend it. How are we investing our money in things that are, what kind of return on investment are we getting for some of the ways that what we're spending money on? And what could we be getting out of that?
Um. So yeah, I just wanted to come on and talk about this kind of in the context, right, of body image, of learning about my body, about the stories that we have, about how valuable some of these services can be. And this is not an ongoing service, right? This was kind of like a one or two time thing. Yes, I may go back to her in the future for certain things, but I got so much out of it that I really have a good sense of what I needed, When I do buy things, what to look for.
Um, and one, one piece I, I, I, I am still kind of working on is like putting different outfits together and I'm experimenting and I'm practicing and I'm getting curious and I'm like, yeah, sometimes I really like things I put together and sometimes like, eh, not so much, but I'm willing to go beyond the stories that I had in my head about what I could and couldn't wear or about what did and did not look good on me [00:15:00] and start to experiment and learn and question those.
Where did those stories come from and are they actually true? This process was such an invaluable, um, an invaluable, uh, experience towards rethinking all of that. Um, and you guys know how much I talk about getting dressed and putting effort into clothes that you like, that fit, that are comfortable. I've talked about that for a very long time.
And so this really built on that. for me. Um, because whether you're getting dressed in sweats or you're getting dressed in like a really nice outfit, it doesn't really matter so much what, it's why am I putting this on? How am I putting this on? What's the intention? How do I want to feel? Right? You can go out and feel awesome in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, as awesome as you can feel in a more dressed up outfit.
But if you're putting on like old junky baggy sweats, you're not going to feel as great as you were in, let's say, like, some other quote, [00:16:00] athleisure outfit, right? It's not the what. It's not that one type of clothing or outfit is better than another. It's why am I doing it? Do I like it? Does it fit? Is it comfortable?
That applies to everything. Everything. Um, and doing that and practicing that skill and investing that time, energy, and attention into yourself, it's a huge part of body image work. Um, Because of how those clothes make you feel and doing it, not for compliments, not for, um, approval from other people, but because you feel good.
You like how you look, even if you sat in your house and didn't see another person all day. Now I know that may seem like it's in contradiction to working with a stylist and her giving me feedback on what, you know, kind of looks good or what I might want to experiment with. But these are, it's kind of a combination of all these pieces, right?
There's a piece where we have these longstanding stories in our heads, and we have to learn how to start questioning them and finding the truth and [00:17:00] what is actually true. And that's where really outside support can be helpful with that. And then you're uniting that as you experiment and try on different things and see what feels good for you in your skin, on your body, and kind of combining those experiences and those skill sets and then really getting into like that sweet spot of what you want to wear and how you want to be wearing it.
Um, and ultimately doing it for you, about you, for you. What is that like? Of the people, by the people, and for the people, right? Of you, about you, and for you. and knowing if you didn't see another single soul all day that you wouldn't give a shit because you felt damn good in what you put on and you don't need that external validation from anyone else.
Um, so yeah, that's really kind of what I wanted to talk about with this experience. Um, I'll link her in the show notes, um, if anyone's interested. Um, and I'll be back next [00:18:00] week.