episode 205: How to deal with food pushers during the holidays
We’re back with episode 205. This week, I’m diving into a holiday classic… no, not pumpkin pie—food pushing. You know the moment: you’re at the table, already feeling full, and someone insists, “You HAVE to try this! I made it just for you!”
You have no interest in whatever they’re offering but you also feel guilty and don’t want to be rude. So…what do you do? The answers are in this episode:
Why food pushing happens and why it feels so hard to say no.
How to set boundaries that work for you—without completely offending your Aunt Linda and her famous pie.
Scripts and strategies for real-life scenarios, like taking a “middle-ground” approach
How to prioritize your own comfort while navigating others’ feelings (yes, it’s possible!)
The last thing you need is to feel guilty for not eating someone’s casserole OR feel like crap because you forced yourself to eat another slice of pie you didn’t really want. Listen in and learn some skills to make this your most guilt free holiday yet.
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205
[00:00:00] Hey, everyone. So what's today? It's Monday, November 18th. And we just brought Joey home yesterday after four weeks of obedience training. And I wanted to record a podcast kind of talking about the experience of spending the weekend with her trainer and him basically teaching us what he taught her so that we can now continue to use it.
And then I realized that I had an idea for a podcast episode that's more timely because the reason I wanted to talk about the Joey thing is because it is so relevant to the work that we do here, the work that I do, the work that you guys do. And so I think it'll be super helpful to listen to. But then I looked at my notes and I'm like, oh shit, I have an idea.
That is like timely for the holidays. So I'm gonna do the Joey thing next week and I'm gonna talk about what I initially plan to talk about today. I don't know why I'm telling you all this cuz like that's just what I do. So you get like a peek inside how my brain works and I feel like I'm having a conversation with someone even though it's like pretty one sided.
Um, [00:01:00] So what I wanted to talk about, because this has come up a lot, I mean comes up with people all the time and clients and in specific situations or just more generally is food pushing Especially at the holidays and what I mean by food pushing is you go over to a family members or a friend's house for a Dinner a party whatever and they're like, oh my god.
I made this amazing cake. You have to have a piece Oh my god. Why don't you want any? Oh my god. I worked so hard on this. You have to have some This is my favorite thing ever. You have to try it Whatever it is that the person is trying to get you to eat. And what I hear so often from people is that, I feel guilty.
I feel bad. I feel like I have to take it. I feel like it's rude if I don't eat this thing that this person is offering me. And I a thousand percent get that. And I am certainly not immune to this. I have been in that situation. I will continue to be in this situation and will have to navigate through it.
What I wanted to talk about today was to give you other options. Because right now, I think most people feel like the only option [00:02:00] is to take the food and to eat it. And that's actually not the only option. Because here's the thing you have to think about. There's a, there's a feeling of discomfort, of kind of ickiness, the ick, which like, I just learned about from watching Nobody Wants This, but apparently it's like a thing like in like dating now where you get the ick.
There's an icky feeling that happens in this dynamic. Now and this is kind of a broader concept that applies to so many things, but keeping it specific to this. If someone says to you, Oh my God, I made this cake. I worked so hard. You have to have a piece and you really don't want a piece for whatever reason.
And you take it anyway, you are the one that deals with the discomfort. You are prioritizing someone else's comfort and happiness over your own. Because by taking the cake that you don't want and eating it, you're making yourself uncomfortable to make the other person happy. Now if we flip that, we have to, the discomfort has to shift somewhere else.
Where else is it going to go? It's going to go to the other person. By [00:03:00] saying, you know what, no thanks, I'm really full, you may make the other person uncomfortable because now, like, you're doing something to make you feel good, but you know you might have hurt that person's feelings, or they might feel frustrated, or they might be like, why doesn't she want my cake?
I work so hard, and that's so rude, right? You might make that other person feel uncomfortable. But now you feel better. Now that's not to say you feel totally better because yes, there's also a certain amount of discomfort that happens when you basically put a boundary up, right? This is kind of about boundary setting.
There is a certain level of discomfort because it's hard to do that and you know how it's going to impact that other person. But ultimately, you are prioritizing yourself and what works and feels good for you. And that that discomfort is kind of momentary. It's quick. And then things kind of move on and you're like, okay, I've made a decision, a choice that feels really good for me.
It was hard to do that. It's kind of more like it feels hard. And now that other person has to kind of deal with it. And so that's kind of like the [00:04:00] big concept behind this is shifting the discomfort away from yourself. and onto someone else in order to prioritize what you need. And you might think that that sounds selfish, and maybe it is selfish, but I honestly don't think that being selfish is a bad thing.
Sometimes it can be bad, but a lot of times it's not bad. We very often prioritize other people's needs and wants and happiness at the expense of our own. It's not even over our own, it's at the expense of our own. And this is a perfect example. So let's say, That you are someone who's like really working on your relationship with food right now Okay, and you go into Thanksgiving and you go to a family member's house and they have made a dessert.
There's lots of desserts Okay, let's actually let's let's set the scene. There's lots of desserts and you take One or two or let's say even three things that you want. You're like, oh my god, this is my favorite thing I'm gonna try this and this and I'm good But then the host of your Thanksgiving dinner Sees that you haven't taken a piece of the dessert that she herself has made you've taken pieces of what everyone else has made [00:05:00] Brought you haven't taken a piece of her special homemade pumpkin pie and she says oh my god Jordana You have to try my pumpkin pie.
I made it especially for today for you guys I thought you would love it. Like I really really want you to have a piece What are you supposed to say to that? Right? Someone says I made this for you. I invited you over to my house I really want you to have a piece and you're gonna say no to that Well, it's an option.
Here are the options. You say you've already got your full plate, you're working on your relationship with food, and you know that that extra piece of pie, not only do you not want it, does it not seem like something that would taste good to you, you know if you eat it you're going to be past the point of fullness.
Let's say even past the point of like Thanksgiving fullness. You're like, oh my god, I think if I eat this I'm going to feel sick and I'm really not going to feel good. So you can take it to make her feel good and appease her and then make yourself feel like shit, right? That's scenario A. That's pretty much what we always do.
What would happen if instead you said, you know what? This looks amazing and I so appreciate everything you've done [00:06:00] today for us. I'm already feeling full. I've got my plated desserts, so I'm going to pass on this. In conjunction with that, to kind of soften things. You could say, you know what? I'm going to take a piece and bring it home and I'll text you tomorrow when I have it and let you know how it is.
There are other options, right? You could do those, you could do those kind of in conjunction with each other. You could say, you know what? I'm super full right now. I've already got some dessert on my plate. I'm going to take a piece of that to go. You don't even have to say no, right? You could say, I'm going to take a piece of that to go and I'm going to text you tomorrow when I have it.
So then you go home and you have it and you can take as many bites as you want. Maybe you take one bite just to appease that person, right? Because this, these things exist on a spectrum and it makes her feel good and it makes you feel better. But now you've not had to eat the whole thing and feel disgusting.
You've done it in a way that meets Your needs in terms of what you're, the skills you're working on and also doesn't feel so uncomfortable [00:07:00] doesn't make you feel so guilty or so rude. So that is an option, right? There's kind of like, Melissa Urban of Whole30 talks a lot about boundaries and she does this thing where it's like, um, a green, yellow, red.
Green kind of being like the softest and red being like a hard line. And that's totally true here, right? The thing that I just suggested I think would be somewhere between like, like a greenish yellow, like you're still taking the thing and you're going to eat it, but at a different time and in a circumstance that meets your needs, right?
Kind of a red boundary, meaning like the hardest line, which is going to feel uncomfortable, but really kind of protects and prioritizes what you are working on. It's like, you know what? That looks great, but I'm going to pass for right now. Thank you so much for making this and thank you so much for everything that you've done today.
Right? If it's like the host. Right? So really acknowledging the work that they've put in, but saying, you know what? No thanks. And that might make them feel uncomfortable and you might feel guilty for doing that. That is okay. [00:08:00] Part of this is feeling uncomfortable feelings and doing the thing anyway, and taking action on the thing that's in alignment with your values.
Anyway, on prioritizing your own feelings and your own experience over someone else's. And again, that may come off as sounding like selfish and, um, like self absorbed. And there are certain situations where maybe that's true, but not when it comes to this. Right? Like, we all know. It's not fun to eat something that we don't want to eat, that we eat because someone's forcing us or someone told us to or someone made it.
It doesn't feel good. And so we're doing that to benefit or help someone else. We're not helping ourselves. And that's, those are actions that are not in alignment with anyone's values, right? You can value friendship and family and having respect for other people and all of that. and still take care of yourself.
And if that person really can't [00:09:00] understand and really is like, Oh my God, what a bitch. She's not eating my pumpkin pie. Like, okay, then there's probably something else maybe going on in your family if it gets taken that seriously. Um, I think the, I'm going to take some of this home for tomorrow is such a great middle of the road option that gives you flexibility, that kind of appeases the person who made it.
Um, without you having to do something in the moment that feels shitty. This is really about paying attention to the ways in which we eat based on other people's needs or expectations and based on circumstances and where we prioritize that at the expense of our own needs. And we do this all the time, but this is a very timely situation because there's like holidays and families and all this stuff happening right now and this is a thing that comes up and Because there's so many like once a year type foods.
Oh my god. I only make pumpkin pie once a year You're not gonna have a piece I made this green bean casserole thing and I only make it [00:10:00] for Thanksgiving and everyone's here and you have to have some I worked So hard on this you have to have some another option is like, you know, I'm so full I'm just gonna take a little bit and you put a little bit onto your plates You And baby, you take one small bite and you're like, Oh my God, this is amazing.
And then if they're like, have more, you can say, you know, I'm so full. I'm really full. This was delicious, but I'm so full. And if I eat more, I'm really not going to feel one. I don't want to waste it. I don't want to waste it if I'm too full to enjoy it. Like that is a great thing to say to someone. Um, I don't want to waste it if I'm too full to enjoy it.
It's like, okay, and then maybe you bring some home, right? There are options. Sometimes it's like a little bit of creative thinking, and it's about you willing to kind of step outside your comfort zone, your comfort zone being you prioritizing someone else's comfort over your own, and saying, how can I meet myself where I'm at and meet my needs?
while also not making myself or another person feel super uncomfortable, right? There is, whoops, there is [00:11:00] middle ground there. It's not all or nothing. It's not eat the entire piece of pie or a cup full of green bean casserole or say, no thanks, I'm full. There are things in the middle, right? And that's what I really wanted to talk about, because I get it's not that simple.
It's not that easy to go in and say, like, no, thanks, I'm not going to have any. That is tough. Maybe that's something you want to work towards, maybe or maybe not, but there are these middle of the road options, right? Taking a small amount, taking some home, thanking the person, and really acknowledging the work that they put into it, because sometimes it's just as much about that as it is the food itself, is people want to be recognized for what they've done, which I get it, right?
We're humans. And really like saying something like, I'm really too full to enjoy this right now. I want to be able to eat this when I'm hungry. That also, I mean, this is maybe just me talking to myself, like gives you like a little hint of like, Oh, that's an interesting way to think about food. Like it's really not something that people talk about, but it really is such an integral part of if you are working on your relationship with food, that's something that's part of [00:12:00] this.
And it's not people think more more, eat more, eat more, eat more. It's the day. It's what we do. It's the time of year. But it's like, no, I really want to enjoy these special foods, which means I want to be hungry when I eat them. And if I'm too full to have this, I'm not really going to enjoy it. And then I don't want, then it's like, it becomes like a waste.
And I don't want to waste this amazing food that you worked so hard on. Right? So I think that's really all I wanted to share. Really, this is , start thinking, start noticing, and you can prepare, right? If you are someone, you run into this situation with the same family member all the time or in different, like regularly, whether it's holidays or not, you can prepare.
You can get like a little script ready in your head so you know how to respond. This is definitely something that you can be proactive about. And if you're not, and if you're going somewhere new and you don't know what to. Hopefully a couple, one of these options is something you can put in your back pocket and be ready to go.
Um, if you've got questions, if you've got thoughts, situations that have happened to you and you want to share them, I'm always love to listen and um, happy Thanksgiving. If you [00:13:00] celebrate, if you're in the United States and you think, and you celebrate, um, I hope you have a peaceful holiday and sometimes holidays can be really stressful for people.
So, um, I will be back next week.