episode 122: what would happen if you took care of yourself the way you took care of everyone else in your life?
That’s the question I’m asking in Episode 122 of The Diet Diaries around self care.
We tend to think of self care as getting a massage or a facial, binge watching Netflix, going out for dinner with friends.
And that all counts and has value.
But what about learning how to change eating habits? Improving negative body image?
Isn’t that self care too?
To me, self care is about the quality of our attention and whether how we’re spending our time is taking us closer to our values or farther away.
Here’s what you’ll hear in today’s episode:
How this connects back to the practice of tender and fierce self compassion
What we think self care is and what it actually is
Why there is more than one form of self care
How do we find the time and space for self care when we’re already so overwhelmed with life
Why is self care so hard
A different framework for thinking about self care
This episode will ask you to get brutally honest with yourself and identify where your attention is going, how that is serving you and why you’ve struggled to make the changes we want to be making. Episode 114 of The Diet Diaries talks about why being selfish is actually a good thing.
As always, you’re not alone. I share some of my own challenges around where my attention goes and what I’m currently working on to change it.
I created the Spring Weekend Retreat so you can give yourself undivided attention. So you can pay attention to yourself the way you pay attention to everyone else in your life. Because if you want to make real, lasting changes in your life around how to change eating habits and exercise and shifting negative body image, having the space and time to pay attention to yourself is the foundation.
Go home well rested, well fed, well moved and crystal clear on the actions you need to be taking to feel at ease around food and in your body.
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[00:00:00] Hey everyone, it's episode 122 of The Diet Diaries. I'm gonna try to keep this one again, a little on the shorter side, um, because I want to, or not because, but I want to talk today about self-care. Um, but I'm gonna do it maybe in a slightly different way than you might be expecting when you hear that, that's what.
[00:00:27] Podcast episode is about and I'm gonna ask you a couple questions that I'm gonna kind of use to frame the conversation. Here's the first one, question number one, what would happen if you took care of yourself the way you took care of everyone else in your life? Let's just pause and let that sink in for a moment.
[00:00:47] This question kind of popped into my head a while ago when I like scrambled and make, made a note of it in the note section of my phone, which is where I keep track of like all of my ideas and I. On it for a while and I wrote a post about it on Instagram a couple of weeks ago, um, which I don't think many people saw, cuz a lot of people don't see my post on Instagram.
[00:01:07] Um, and I also just can't talk about things in depth there the way that I can here. And so I want you to think about that. When was, what would happen if you took care of yourself the way you took care of everyone else in your life? part two to that, it's kinda like a Corolla, sort of like an overlap, but a little different.
[00:01:23] When was the last time you took care of or paid attention to yourself the way you do to someone you love? Like a kid, like a best friend, could be a partner, could be a parent. We all have different dynamics in relationships, so I hesitate to just label or name one person as like the person to use as a reference point.
[00:01:43] but when was the last time you took care of or paid attention to yourself in the way that you do for that person? And I think this paying attention part is really kind of the crux of this. When we talk about self-care, we are what we pay attention to. I didn't make that up. I don't know. I some other much wiser, more mindful, InTouch person.
[00:02:06] It could have been someone famous, I don't know. But I've heard it a million times and I think it's really, really true. And I think if nothing shows. that truth more clearly than social media, right? What happens when you are paying a ton of attention to social media? What happens to your life? What happens to you?
[00:02:22] What happens to your thoughts? What happens to your feelings? Right? Usually goes to a not great place. We are what we pay attention to. And when you spend more time doing things where you are being more thoughtful and more deliberate and um, more intentional, , my favorite word. about what you're paying attention to.
[00:02:44] What is the outcome of that? And so when we think about self-care, I don't think we ever think about it in terms of attention. I think we think about it in terms of like the thing and self-care has become like this Bud Word buzzword that has definitely. I'm gonna say overly used, but sometimes there's just not a better word for things.
[00:03:01] So I'm not like opposed like, I'm gonna use it and, you know, um, I think it's what, well, what is it is really the thing, right? I think there's this perception that self-care is like going to get your nails done, or taking a bath or binging Netflix or going after dinner with your girlfriends. Um, or, you know, things of that nature.
[00:03:23] and all those things are fine in good things, and all those things have value, but I would ask you this, if those are the things that you are relying on and using for self-care, what is the quality of your attention while you are doing those things, right? When you're bing on Netflix, right, you're totally tuned out, right?
[00:03:44] And there's value to that, right? This is not, this is not an either or thing. This is a both and thing. We can do all these things. I just mention. , but it's not enough. That is not enough to be all of your self care because when we're doing those things, we're not really paying attention to ourselves. We're kind of paying attention to something external.
[00:04:04] Um, like when I get my nails done, I get a pedicure. I'm on my phone the whole time. Um, when I'm out to dinner with friends. That's fun. That's great. But your attention is like on everyone else and on the food and on the environment again, has. , but you're not really paying attention to yourself. Um, I'm not a bath person at all.
[00:04:20] Maybe if I don't know what, it depends if you take a bath, like where's your attention? Maybe it is. Maybe you are just kind of like sitting there and enjoying sort of like the experience of, of being in the water and maybe you light a candle or maybe you're not, maybe you're on the phone, maybe you're listening to a podcast, maybe you're listening to an audiobook.
[00:04:34] Again, all those are all fine things. I wanna be super clear. This is not either or. These things aren't bad. They have tons of value. However, when we think, if we think about self-care through the lens of what is the quality and the direction of our attention, those things are not really self-care, and I think that is why we have such a systemic problem of people feeling.
[00:04:53] one of this is one of the reasons why we have such a systemic problem of feeling so overworked. We live in this, um, society and culture where chaos is glorified. And if you don't answer the question, how are you doing with, oh my God, life is so crazy and I had to run my kids. This is this here and I've got this person and that person, I gotta take this.
[00:05:10] If you don't answer that question with a, a, your old laundry list of things, It's like, where, what are you even doing with your life? Where's your worth? Where's your value? It's fucked up . And I'm not saying I'm not guilty of that, like I, but I think it's something we all need to start taking a look at. Um, and I've been thinking about this a lot in the context of the retreat.
[00:05:31] Yeah. I'm gonna talk about the retreat. This. Podcast episode is not specifically about the retreat, but it fits together. And one of the reasons why I created this retreat was to give you the space and time to pay attention to yourself without distractions. Not in kind of like a maybe superficial way, but in a am I really paying attention to my needs?
[00:05:55] What I need to be taking action on. Um, and this is a form I think of, of self-compassion, right? I've talked, you guys have heard me talk a lot about self-compassion. There's two components. Tender self-compassion, fear, self-compassion, tender self-compassion being the holding space, parts, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, giving yourself kind of a metaphorical or maybe even a physical hug the way you would for that person in your life that you're always taking care of, right?
[00:06:20] You show compassion for them when they're going through something really. Do you do it for yourself? Do you hold that space? You say, God, this really sucks. I'm so sorry I'm going through this. No, typically we just kind of berate ourselves and abuse ourselves with really critical, harsh language. And then there's the action piece.
[00:06:35] Feel the feelings, hold the space, and then we need to do something about the things we can do. Something about this is a little bit about control. Holding space for the things we can't control. Taking action on the things we can control. , but that is self-care, right? Self-care is not always like this fluffy, fluffy, like, I'm gonna get my nails on, I'm gonna get a facial, I'm gonna get a massage, I'm going to, um, you know, whatever, whatever the, the, the thing kind of is.
[00:06:59] And I love getting facials and it is a form of self-care, but it's not the only form of self-care. And if I only relied on that to be my self-care, I'd be in an not great place. You know what? Self-care therapy is self. moving. Your body is self-care. How you use food is self-care. How you prioritize sleep is self-care, right?
[00:07:21] Yes, those are components of your health, but they are also things that directly impact how you feel in your body and how you show up in the world. And you can go get a facial and get your nails done, get a massage, and go for a girl's weekend and binge Netflix all you want. And if you're also eating in a way that you know feels really.
[00:07:40] and you are in a place in your body that doesn't feel good. All that self-care in the world is never going to change that. And so that's why it comes down to where, where am I putting my attention? And yes, I know it's hard to pay attention to how am I exercising? How am I eating, how am I talking to myself?
[00:07:57] I know that I get it. . And that's again one of the reasons why this retreat exists. So you can have, you can pay, give yourself undivided attention. Just think about that. I feel like growing up you'd hear a teacher say, I want your undivided attention. Could you imagine how powerful that is to be? Pay attention to just one thing and have that one thing be yourself.
[00:08:20] No. And I'm sure there's some of you out there who being like, yeah, that's fucking terrifying. I don't wanna pay that much attention to myself. I. . And there's a reason for that because that means we're facing things. It means we have to notice things. It means we have to address things that sometimes it's easier to not address those things.
[00:08:34] I get it. And also, we can't keep ignoring these things forever and then be frustrated that nothing's changing and be upset about how we feel in our body. Right? It's like that's a little bit of real talk, talking outta both sides of our mouths. Again, not saying I haven't done this. We're all human. We all do it.
[00:08:52] And we also need to be honest with ourselves about what we want and the actions that we're taking. Um, so I just really, the purpose of this episode is to get you thinking about self-care. What role does it have in your life? And starting to shift thinking of self-care as like time alone or time with friends, or time to check out all needed.
[00:09:17] I'm gonna keep saying it. All needed, all important, all have value. , in addition to that time to pay attention to yourself and to yourself beyond those more kind of superficial things. Pay attention to yourself. And if I'm really upset about, um, if I am in a bigger body and carrying around extra body fat because I know that I'm not paying attention to what, what I'm eating and my eating habits are not in a good.
[00:09:44] Paying attention to that. If I know that every time I look in the mirror I'm ripping myself apart and telling myself I need to wanna die. I need to lose 20 pounds. I need to fit into a smaller size. Starting to pay attention to why I'm talking to myself that way, and starting to learn skills to address that.
[00:10:01] Um, I think we all know that exercise is good for us if we're not making time for it. If life feels overwhelming and busy, that's all real stuff. And also, , what can I do about that? Where can I take action? And maybe that's getting support from a trainer or a coach, or a family member or a friend for accountability.
[00:10:23] I'm not gonna get into like all the things you need to do about it. I'm just asking you to start thinking about we as a, as a group. I think as a, as a culture, I include myself in this. A lot of us walk around saying, I wanna change this, I wanna change that. I wanna feel better. I wanna do this. And then we never take action on it.
[00:10:42] And yet we say we don't have time for things. We say, um, you know, we're too busy, but yet we're not too busy to do things that ultimately don't serve us. Right? Like our, I talked about this in an email recently, but attention is like a piece of pie, or is attention is like a, a, a pie, a whole pie. It gets divided up into little slices.
[00:11:04] It's not infinite. It is finite. We do not have infinite amounts of attention to allocate to things, so as we add things, we need to pay attention to. Those pie slices. Just start to get smaller and smaller and smaller. We have to pull attention from one thing in order to give it to another. However, if there's things we're paying attention to and getting energy towards that don't actually need it, or are not productive or not serving us, that would really be a good place to get it from versus pulling it for something.
[00:11:30] Still needs it. I know for me this is like around like social media. Um, . I think very few of us can sit here and say that we don't have a problem. Social media, A struggle for me is that I use it for my business. I use it to communicate with you, and that brings me so much joy and so much happiness. It's the personal side of things, how I'm using it not for work things.
[00:11:48] That's the issue. It's not the work piece of it. Um, so I know that's an attention suck for me, and I'm like, I don't have time for that sometimes that, oh, but I have time to sit on Instagram. Scroll and then get caught up in my own head and start self criticizing and cl going into like the, the black hole of Instagram.
[00:12:04] But I don't have time or attention to, um, read more or to journal things that are a really important form of self-care for me that I, I'm choosing not to make time for right now. Um, because then if I'm on my phone, then I'm up too late. So then I set my alarm to get up early to journal, but I can't because I'm tired.
[00:12:21] Cause I was like, it's all it, it all spirals and I'm sure you're nodding your head listening. Yep. I know what you're talking about. . So I don't mean this, I don't mean to sound like I'm getting off topic. I wanna, I wanna bring it back. Cause where's my attention? What am I, where am I paying attention to?
[00:12:34] Too much time is going to social media. So then when I wanna add a really quality form of self-care, I have to pull attention from that where like I have to figure out where I'm gonna source that from. And so I think that's really it. , there's no reason to like, you know,
[00:12:54] Saying the same things over and over again, although once is never, as my mentor says. Um, and if this is resonating with you and you are around the weekend of May 19th, the 21st, come join us. Come experience what it feels like to give yourself undivided attention. Honestly, it'll change your life because I've had this experience many times before and the first time it blew my brain open.
[00:13:21] I'm like, oh my. I don't have to pay attention or be responsible for Danny, for Ben, um, for, for work, for, for scheduling, for running around, for Aaron's, for Izzy, for, for anything. And it opens up so much space in your brain, and that is really one of the, the big, um, game changers about this. and as a result, you will go home.
[00:13:47] Well arrested, well fed, well moved, and with a crystal clear personalized action plan about where you're going to put your attention and how you're going to do that when you get home, when everything does flood back in, right? Small sustainable changes. So that's the piece about the retreat. All the info show notes DM me.
[00:14:07] You guys know where to find it. . Separate from the retreat though. Just to kind of wrap this up, start paying attention. . It's like a, no pun intended. Start paying attention to where your attention goes. I used to say a lot when I taught, um, yoga. Notice what you notice. Same idea. Pay attention to where your attention goes.
[00:14:27] And in terms of self-care, the things that you identify in your life as self-care, where is your attention during those things? Is it on you or is it on something external? and know that you part of self-care. An essential non-negotiable part of self-care is paying attention to yourself. And that might not look like something, um, like luxurious.
[00:14:48] We kind of think of self-care as being like a luxury and something like, you know, again, like facials and manicures and massages and girls weekends and Netflix binging. And again, for the 64th time, this episode, I'll say that all has value and meaning. It is. Enough, your attention needs to go to you. And sometimes that's hard work.
[00:15:07] And if it feels scary to think about doing that, to be honest, it probably means you need to do it even more . So I think that's all I wanna say for today. This is really more about creating awareness. I will share more kind of tools and ideas in the future, in future episodes, kind of about how to do this.
[00:15:25] I'm gonna do an episode very soon, in the next month or so about the role of movement. And this, um, and some really specific tools that will connect back to this. So thank you for being here. As always, thank you for listening. You guys are the best. And next week is, my secret, super secret. Not super secret.
[00:15:44] Cause if you're on my email list, you know who it is, but I'm not gonna announce it. Um, the special guest that I'm super excited about and the interview was phenomenal and you guys are gonna love it, and I'm so excited that's gonna be, so this is, uh, April 3rd episode. That's next week, April 10th, and that's all.
[00:15:59] Okay, bye.