episode 114: why putting yourself first isn’t selfish
In episode 114 of The Diet Diaries I’m talking all about the Spring Weekend Retreat.
And I’m not only talking about how we’ll be spending our time and what you can expect out of it, but why it’s SO hard to commit to something like this.
Why we often feel selfish and guilty for prioritizing ourselves.
The truth is that being selfish is a good thing. Selflessness has become glorified to the point where feeling overwhelmed and burnt out is our new normal state of existence.
Here’s what I’m diving into today:
How the Spring Weekend Retreat will help you get clear, grounded and specific about the skills you need to work on to start feeling at ease around food and in your body including how to change eating habits permanently
Why its so hard to prioritize yourself and exactly how to do it
Why time away from the chaos of life is one of the most valuable choices you can make for yourself
The location, the house, the food and the plan for the weekend
The Spring Weekend Retreat is May 19-21 at a gorgeous house in Hunter NY, 2 hours north of New York City in the Catskill Mountains. The all inclusive rate for the weekend is $675. Click here to get all the details and sign up to join us.
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[00:00:00] Hey everyone, it's episode 114 of The Diet Diaries, and this is gonna be, I think, kinda like a little bit different of an episode. I am going to talk about the spring weekend retreat. But first I wanted to let you know about another offering I have coming up, which is the second round of Eat With Ease, which is my six week group coaching program that will teach you the skills you need to break up with dieting, find ease around food and in your body for life.
[00:00:52] Um, it is an amazing six weeks where we come together as a group, we meet weekly on Zoom, and then we stay connected in our Facebook group. In between. And this really is about learning the foundational skills that you need, um, to finally stop feeling obsessed with food. These hundred percent are skills that can lead to weight loss.
[00:01:15] Will you lose weight during these six weeks? Likely not. It's just not enough time to really start to see change. This program is designed to give you skills for the next 30 years, not just for the next 30 days. So the wait list is open right now. Um, and if you're on the wait list, you get 20% off the regular rate and first access to signup and registration will probably open towards the end of February, like the second or third week of.
[00:01:40] and we're gonna start March 8th. So if you're even thinking about it, just to have options, get yourself on the wait list. There's gonna be a link in the show notes. It's on Instagram. It's all over the place, so you'll definitely be able to find it and just reach out if you have questions.
[00:01:54] Okay? So. Let's dive into the retreat.
[00:01:58] I'm doing something a little different today. I'm like really exploring all of my tech stuff. So right now I am also filming on my iPhone to get some B-roll. I'm recording in Garage Band and then I'm using the software that I record to do the video for this because eventually I'm gonna start posting these on YouTube.
[00:02:13] So I have three different things recording right now and I'm a little like, okay, is everything going okay? So hopefully I don't seem a little weird or a little off today, but so I am hosting a retreat in May, May 19th, the 21st. Uh, it's gonna be like a Friday afternoon to a Sunday afternoon in Hunter, New York, which is in the Catskill Mountains, which is about two hours north of New York City.
[00:02:37] It is a beautiful location. I've rented an amazing Airbnb in the mountains. It's renovated, it's gorgeous, this beautiful kitchen, and the most amazing outdoor space, and I am, I have not been this excited about something. in a really long time. And that's saying a lot because I get pretty pumped up about the work that I do.
[00:03:01] And I think part of the reasons I've been thinking about doing this for so long and wanting to do it and to be honest, like wondering like, can I do it? Can I figure this out? And the logistics side of thing, like coordinating all of it. And then will people wanna come? Will there be interest? And the amazing thing is I started talking about this maybe just a little over a month.
[00:03:22] And the response from you guys has been phenomenal. The amount of interest and the emails and the, and the messages I've gotten from people saying, oh my God, this sounds amazing. Is so like, just amazing. So thank you all for reaching out and letting me know that because it has meant everything. Um, and before I kind of dive into like kind of what we're gonna do during the Treat retreat, I kind of wanted to talk about why doing things like this is so important.
[00:03:51] and here's the thing. What it really comes down to is that we need to be more selfish. I've talked about this before. Going away for a weekend by yourself is no easy feat. I know that. Like I fully get that because when it's just about you, then it means that everyone else, even in like your immediate family, if you have a partner, if you have.
[00:04:17] Are going to be inconvenienced by that, right? They're gonna have to do extra work. They're gonna have to kind of pick up some of the things that are left behind in your absence, and that feels uncomfortable. It feels weird. It feels selfish, but here's the thing. . We are constantly prioritizing other people and I think most of us drop things at at a moment's notice to go take care of someone else.
[00:04:47] And somehow being selfless has been glorified in our culture as like what we want to be, and I think that's becoming a problem. I think this is part of what's burning people out. I think this is. Causing this like glorification of business, business culture, I think this is what's affecting our kids. And that it's sort of like, you know, you stop and you see a friend, like you run into your friend in town and you say, oh, how are you?
[00:05:13] And if you're not answering with, oh my God, I'm so busy, people are like, what have you even doing with your life? And so we feel this need to feel constantly busy and I think like overwhelmed in a way all the time as if it's like. of our self worth as if it's like validation that we are doing enough in this world and working hard enough.
[00:05:35] And that's a huge systemic problem because it's impacting our stress levels. It's making it impossible for us to take time for ourselves, to take care of ourselves in the way that we need to and want to because it's always like, do more, do more, do more. Go, go, go, go, go. And so taking a weekend away for yourself to go to a retreat is like the polar opposite of.
[00:05:57] and that can feel uncomfortable to want to do that, to want to take that time to say to your partner, say to your kids like, Hey, I wanna go away for this weekend because this sounds amazing and like it's gonna be really good and helpful for me, and I just need this time away. I know that's not easy to do.
[00:06:14] I've done it many times in my life. I have gone away. I went away for four weeks, two weeks at a time. In 2019, I left Ben and Danny. Ben was in first grade. He was young. I left for two weeks and it was not easy. It was hard. And it was one of the best experiences of my entire life. No question. I'm talking about that a lot.
[00:06:37] Um, in today's email, actually, so if you're on my email list, take, take a look at that. I'm sharing a little bit more about that story in there. Um, and so your first reaction to this might be like, oh my God, this sounds amazing, but like, I have too much going on. I can't, I know my kid has this, my husband has this, my aunt has this.
[00:06:54] I've got this birthday party. Because we have so much stuff, there's always gonna be so. And it is not going to be easy for you to say, oh, great, I'm just gonna take the whole weekend, go away by myself. It's gonna take effort, it's gonna take work, it's gonna take getting uncomfortable. It's probably gonna take making other people uncomfortable, right?
[00:07:15] Because people, like, if you say, oh, I know I have this birthday party that weekend. I really want to go to this retreat. The person whose birthday party it is might be annoyed that you're not coming. But the truth is, when we want to. . Taking care of ourselves requires effort. It requires work. It is never just going to happen.
[00:07:33] It's never going to just fall in our laps. And this isn't even like this is about the retreat, but it's also about everything else you need to do to take care of yourself, whether it's exercise or um, food shopping or prepping food, or whatever it is that you are working on to take care of. , you have to make the intentional effort and choice to do that, and sometimes that means you're gonna have to choose it in place of something else.
[00:08:02] Because we all have, we have finite amounts of mental energy. We think it's unlimited, but it's not. And we definitely have in a day, a finite amount of time. Right? So we have to prioritize. If everything is a priority, nothing is a priority, and if you are prioritizing yourself, that means something else has to drop down the list.
[00:08:21] It just has. . And if you really want to do that, if you really want to start taking care of yourself, and if for you, if you're listening, that means it's something around food, that's something around body image. It's something around your relationship with dieting. That means that you are going to have to put in some effort in order to prioritize yourself and make that.
[00:08:45] and again, it's not easy. I get it. I'm saying this so that you don't feel shame around it, right? The antidote to shame is sharing in connection. So I'm putting this out there into the universe so that when you're thinking all this to yourself, you're like, oh my God, I'm not alone. Like she gets it, someone else gets it.
[00:09:03] I do get it, . I totally get it, and I want you to know that, like I want you to know. again, whether it's this retreat or it's saying, I've gotta get to the grocery store every Sunday, or I've gotta prep my food, or I'm going to, you know, I'm gonna be late for my kids' whatever game because I'm going to an exercise class or a dance class that I love, or, um, you know, I'm gonna sit and do some journaling for five minutes every day and, and that means I have to get up.
[00:09:30] Whatever it is, there's always a choice that has to happen and it's, it's action. and again, because if everything is a priority, nothing is a. , when you choose to prioritize yourself, it means something else is gonna have to drop down the list again. And there's just comfort with that. So I want you to let you know that I see you if you're thinking about this, I get it.
[00:09:51] I know it's not easy, and I just want you, you to know that you're not alone. And like, feeling these feelings and then trying to figure out like, well what, what do I do about this? Um, and I'm here to talk through it. Like if you're like, yeah, I really wanna come, but I have all these things that weekend and I just feel like I can't make it work, but I wanna make it.
[00:10:09] Let's talk about it. Maybe we can make it work and meet, but we can't, right? Um, some things we can move around and some things like, look, you just can't, there's always there. There's like, you know, a conflict. Um, everything in your life is real and valid. All of this is real and valid. Um, but again, your needs.
[00:10:31] are real and valid too, and you can't keep squashing them down for something else because then a month passes six months, a year, two years, and you're like still doing the same thing as you've always been doing. It's like, what's going on? Well, it's because you're always prioritizing something else. You say you wanna prioritize yourself, you say you wanna make changes, but then you don't actually put in the effort to do that because that's uncomfortable and it's hard.
[00:10:52] So it's always easier to keep doing what we're doing, right? We know this always easier to keep doing what we're doing. Um, excuse me. So let's kind of shift away from that and talk about what we're gonna do in Third Tree, cuz it's gonna be so great. I don't have a specific itinerary laid out yet because it's February and this isn't until like late May.
[00:11:17] But I do have a very concrete idea of sort of the, the core, the essence of what this is gonna be out be about. And so here's the thing, when you go home on Sunday afternoon, . My goal, my hope for you is that you go home feeling grounded, feeling clear, and knowing exactly what action steps you want to be focusing on around food and eating and body image.
[00:11:44] So you are gonna go home with this specific list of skills. It could be one, it could be more than one that you're gonna be working on, and that is going to come out of our time together. There's gonna be a lot that's gonna come out, but we know we can't work on everything at. And so it's, I want you to have this feeling of, of clarity, and that clarity comes from this space of being away alone, meaning from, from your day-to-day life, you're gonna be obviously with me and with this, you know, group of women up there.
[00:12:16] Having that space and that time away from your day-to-day life is invaluable. That word doesn't even capture it. If, if you have never as an adult or if it's been a long time, only been responsible for yourself, and I'm not even talking like even if you've gone away on like a girls trip, you're still with like a group of people and you're kind of like, someone wants to go to dinner here and someone wants to go to dinner here, and like, what are we gonna do?
[00:12:41] What's the activity? There's still that dynamic. With something like this, there is none of that. Everything is structured, everything is planned out. I have taken care of all of the food, which is going to be amazing by the way. And we have a private chef coming on Saturday night. Um, you don't have any responsibilities.
[00:12:58] You just have to show up. And so that pulls away, gives you so much space, mental space to. Focus on this work on diving into what are your values, what makes you you, what has been your history with diet, and where are you at? Why has it been so hard for you to feel comfortable around food? Why are you always jumping from diet to diet?
[00:13:32] What's going on with your relationship with your body? Why are you being so mean to. , how can we shift that? What's the work? What are the skills we need to work on? What are your triggers for that negative body image that over and over again, cycle through that you feel like you can't get out of? I hate my body.
[00:13:49] I go on a diet. The diet is miserable. I either lose weight and then I'm terrified of gaining it back, or the diet doesn't work and I'm like, oh, I didn't work hard enough. I'm lazy. I'm not motivated. I didn't try hard. , this vicious cycle that we get stuck in, right? During this weekend, we're going to start learning the skills that are missing, right?
[00:14:10] That's why you're stuck in that cycle. You just don't have the skills. Um, we're gonna be talking about, kind of looking at everything from a nutritional standpoint, looking at my nourishing, satisfying, satiating framework, which we're gonna do in like real time. So my plan right now is for us to cook dinner together on Friday night.
[00:14:27] Something really simple. I have some ideas for meals, um, because the way that I coach around food is around keeping food really simple. This is not even gonna be like recipe based food. This is going to be very basic. . Nutritious. Nutritious and delicious. Right? Nourishing, satisfying, and satiating filling.
[00:14:49] And so it's gonna be, it's kind of like meta, right? We're gonna kind of cook together and prepare this meal, having an awareness around all the different components. And then sitting down and enjoying this meal together. And if you want to, right, this is totally up to you, having a chance to practice some of the skills, maybe run, putting your fork down or slowing down.
[00:15:06] Um, looking at, right, am I getting enough protein on my plate? Do I have enough carbs on my plate? Right? Are there things that I kind of am subconsciously still restricting? , right? You're gonna have a chance to practice these skills and it's all gonna be about what you feel comfortable with, right?
[00:15:22] There'll be a sort of an offering, and then it'll be up to you to say, yeah, I feel comfortable doing this, or No, I don't. And that's totally fine, but this is about, you're gonna have the space to do this without, without your partner, without your kids, without your mother-in-law, without whoever it is being on top of you saying, we have to be here at five 30, and then you gotta go pick me up and then I gotta try and finish this class and I gotta do this work and I gotta get this email out.
[00:15:46] It's all gone. You get these, you know, two, two and a half days entirely to yourself. And this, again, I said this before, but the space that creates, right. We have a finite amount of mental energy. We, I said this earlier when I was talking kind of about, you know, the bigger picture around this. . We think it's infinite, but it's not.
[00:16:12] And you know when you are hitting your wall and hitting your limits, you could feel it. And that's why sometimes these changes we wanna make around food and moving away from dieting and to stop hating our bodies feel so hard because everything else is coming first. And when it's time to address that stuff, we've got nothing left.
[00:16:31] That's why people binge late at night. That's why people snack late at night because by the end of the day, you are tapped out, you're maxed out, you've got nothing left. , but that applies to our bigger life. When you are go, go, go, go, go constantly, your life is over full. You're maxed out in a bigger picture.
[00:16:48] And so these, this, this time away pulls all of that away so that you can have like this emptiness and this space with which to fill up all these things about you and for you. And that is really why I created this, because you can't get that day-to-day. Look, I coach people one-on-one and I do group coaching, which is happening within your day-to-day life, right?
[00:17:13] This is, obviously, this isn't something you can do every week under or all the time, and so we do have to learn how to integrate and how to take action within our lives, right? That's what Coach a lot of coaching about is meeting you where you are and also having this as a foundation and it's kind of a platform to work from.
[00:17:36] will set you up for incredible success. To kind of start from this place of having this space and this openness to do this work and then move into like the next steps within your day-to-day life is incredible. Um, you know, so I, I'm just, I, I, I can't wait. I wish it was like tomorrow. Um, you know, and so I just wanted to share and, and sort of let you know why I created.
[00:18:04] What we're gonna be doing, um, I'm kind of looking over at some of my notes here to make sure I didn't forget anything. And of course I did many things. Um, so I kind of talked through some of, like the key, I'm kind of envisioning them as like mini workshops. Right. So, um, body image, we're gonna do a workshop around cravings and trigger foods.
[00:18:25] I'm probably gonna ask you to bring one of your most challenging trigger foods with you and so that we can practice with. We're gonna do a values workshop. Um, we're obviously gonna be working on the nourish, satisfy shape framework. Um, and there'll be very structured, guided activities within this different worksheets and journaling.
[00:18:43] Um, and then within all of this as well, we're going to be using yoga and move. as a way to move our bodies and kind of break up all of the kind of more emotional, mental. But also as a way to reconnect to these physical sensations Movement is the single most powerful tool and skill available to you to relearn what it feels like to be in your body, to really get clear about.
[00:19:09] What does fullness feel like? What does hunger feel like? Not feeling stuffed like you do on Thanksgiving and not feeling starving like you do when you haven't eaten all day. What are those in between? More subtle feelings. What are the feelings that build up when you're having a craving for something and you feel like if you don't eat that candy bar right now, your whole life is going to end?
[00:19:26] What does that feel like physically for you? , what does it feel like physically when you look in the mirror and see yourself and you hate the way your stomach looks? What does that feel like physically for you? We are going to use movement to start to access all of that because then it becomes a tool for you to cope with those things in the moment.
[00:19:45] And this is why I feel so grateful to have had all these years of teaching yoga movement and to be able to integrate it with this coaching work is like, ah, oh my God, amazing. And we're gonna get to do this together in real. . Um, and there's also gonna be downtime. I know it seems like I'm packing a lot in, but it's going to work.
[00:20:02] I ha I have sort of like a. Vision forward in my head, you are totally going to have downtime to yourself. The house is in an amazing location on a huge piece of property along Creek, so there'll be plenty of time to go for walks, to do yoga outside, to journal, to go listen to music or a podcast or watch a show on your phone.
[00:20:18] Whatever it is that you wanna do, um, you will have that time. to yourself because that is invaluable. Um, so I think that kind of like wraps it up. You know, there's always like these analogies out there around, you can't pour from an empty cup and you know, the oxygen mask analogy. And I think those can be helpful kind of in a pinch.
[00:20:38] But this really is about so much more than that. This is about prioritizing yourself and knowing that that is going to be uncomfortable. and doing it anyway. Because when you take care of yourself and put yourself first, it will then let you do all of those other things better, better mom, better partner, better daughter, friends, sister, worker, all whatever.
[00:21:07] All of your roles and responsibilities will be better when you are actually taking the time to prioritize yourself the way you priorit. Everything else. And I know that sometimes the feelings that come up around this is like, this is self-indulgent. This is extra I'm, this is, I'm being so spoiled. Like I feel guilty for leaving.
[00:21:23] Like I get that because in our culture, that's what we've been taught. Especially if you're a mom, forget it. Like kids come first. Everything about the kids comes first. And that is such a disservice to both the moms and the partners and the kids. because, I'm sorry, I don't know about you, but I don't want Ben to grow up seeing me constantly sacrificing myself for him.
[00:21:44] I want him to see what it looks like to take care of yourself. Like that's a really important value. And so there's, I think there's so much about this that also kind of sets an example and lets you show the people in your life what your values are and what matters to. and then how that positively impacts them.
[00:22:08] So it's got to be pretty long cuz I have so much to say about this. There's a link in the show notes with all the details about their retreat and to sign up on logistical end of things again, it's May 19th, the 21st, and Hunter, New York. It is all inclusive, so the accommodations are shared. All the food is include.
[00:22:29] including the dinner cooked by the private chef, it's $675 for the whole weekend. Um, I really wanted to make this as affordable as possible, um, so that it would feel like that would not feel like a barrier. Um, 50% deposits due at sign up, the balance is due in April. If you need more flexibility on payments and a payment plan, we can absolutely figure that out.
[00:22:52] Don't let that stop you. And again, if you're like, oh my God, I really wanna come, but like I have all these things that weekend and I know I can't. , let's talk about it. Maybe we can figure it out. And maybe that weekend again, maybe it just, it won't work. But either way, that is part of you showing up for yourself is saying, wait, can I do this?
[00:23:10] Can I figure this out? Can I, am I willing to get uncomfortable in order to do that? That's the beginning of this work, right? The work that we're gonna do at the. is about making intentional choices and about getting uncomfortable, and so the just you signing up and having the excitement and be like, oh my God, this is gonna be amazing, but also kind of feeling unsettled and weird about it because it's a both and you're already doing the work just by signing up.
[00:23:40] So I'm here, reach out, send me a dm, an email. . You can also text me my phone number's on my website. So that's my phone number. You can text me or call me. Um, seriously, I'm happy to talk through this with you and if you wanna have a one-on-one conversation, this is, I understand obviously a huge time investment and a huge financial investment.
[00:23:57] If you wanna talk more about it, we can set up a time to do that too. I am here to support you in whatever way possible. Um, again, all the details, there's a link in the show notes. Obviously everything is on Instagram and, um, on my website and. More soon. Thanks for being here.