episode 113: why breaking up with dieting can feel so scary
In episode 113 of The Diet Diaries I’m sharing a personal story about my son Ben and how it directly relates to the work we’re doing here, together, to move away from dieting, learn how to change eating habits and find ease around food and our bodies.
In today’s episode you’ll hear:
The struggle Ben has been having on his basketball team this year and how he started to overcome it
The significance of focusing on effort instead of outcome
Why it’s so hard to figure out how to change eating habits
Why breaking up with dieting can feel so scary and what to do about it
How to measure progress in terms of effort
The framework that will help guide you when you feel afraid to make a change
Why we continue to do things that we know aren’t good for us
I dive into all of the skills you need to change eating habits and lose fat without dieting in this blog post. And episode 116 talks about how these skills will help you find your best weight for life.
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[00:00:29] Hey everyone, it's episode 113 of The Diet Diaries and just like happened last week, I just looked down at my mic and the mute button was blinking and I almost went to record another episode with it on mute. So, luckily I was able to catch that before it happened again. Um, so today I wanted to get, maybe a little bit personal.
[00:00:50] I'm gonna talk about, um, my son Ben, and um, maybe when he's older, he will listen to this. If, when he's old enough to listen to these types of podcasts, who knows they'll still be around. Um, and the reason I'm talking about him is I'm sharing kind of something that he has been going through and how much I have learned from it and how much it relates.
[00:01:09] It's just the human experience. And this is just one specific example and I've been thinking a lot about how it relates to the things I talk about and the work that, uh, we're doing. And I kind of say that collectively, because this work is ongoing. I'm still doing it. If you're listening, you're doing it.
[00:01:24] And so we're kind of all in it together. And so here's what I wanted to talk about. So Ben is 10 and a half, he's in fifth grade and he made the travel basketball team in our town this year. Um, there's a tryout and there was, you know, a whole team's worth of kids, like 12 or 13 kids that did not make the team this year.
[00:01:41] So making the team was a really big deal and when he made it we really reinforced to him that it was kind of the result of all of his effort, right? Practicing outside on the hoop on our garage. Going to all the, the camps and the clinics and the things that he had done. Um, and he had done a few sessions, like one-on-one, one, one-on-one with a coach at a gym nearby our house.
[00:02:05] Um, because the, the truth is, is that Ben is not a kid who is what you would call like a natural born athlete. He's not a kid who just like picks up a piece of sports equipment and can just play like many kids are certainly, there's like a spectrum and he loves sports, loves watching sports, loves talking about sports, loves playing most sports, some sports he's not into.
[00:02:27] And so it's interesting when you really love something but maybe don't have kind of like that natural proclivity to it. And as adults we know that you fill that gap with effort. Right. And with trying hard. But what I've learned, and this is obviously very subjective and based case by case, this is, you know, sample size n equals one, Ben.
[00:02:49] Ben is 1, um, his experience has been not necessarily like knowing what that means and how that translates and so he, he made the team and they started practice and we went, started going to some games and Danny and I are watching him play and we're just like not seeing him put in all that much effort during games.
[00:03:12] Um, kind of moving slowly, just not hustling. There's no kind of like drive or spark. We had a couple of conversations with him about it and there were a lot of very emotional moments. There were some meltdowns. There was just a lot. This, this whole experience of being on the team has been, um, a really good learning experience.
[00:03:32] This is his first time playing on a more competitive team. So he'd played REC before, which is in town. Travel you're playing other towns. Um, and because there's a tryout process is just different. It's a more competitive environment. This is his first time being in that more competitive environment and there's a lot that goes along with that.
[00:03:47] I think especially at 10 years old. Um, there's a lot I think that we expect of kids at a certain age because of the way parents want to run things and cultural society and all these systemic things. But that's like a separate episode, like really unrelated. So what he was able to share with us after a couple of these games was that he was afraid of messing up.
[00:04:10] He was afraid of making mistakes and that's why he was not putting in the effort. Cuz if you don't try, you can't mess up. Makes total sense. I completely got that. And as someone who sat the bench in field hockey for four years in high school, like I got it. I am not like a kind of quote like natural born athlete either.
[00:04:28] Um, but I don't really like love sports. Um, so it was never, you know, didn't cause me like that much grief, but I know that feeling. So it's like when I would play sometimes I'd be afraid to get the ball cause I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm gonna mess up. I don't have that much experience playing in a game.
[00:04:44] Cause I was sitting on the bench, it becomes like this catch 22. And so I completely understood what he was saying. And we had this conversation with him around giving himself permission to make mistakes that basically made, his goal was to go out there and just mess up. Because when you mess up, it means you're trying.
[00:05:04] And that definitely, I think, clicked in his brain in a helpful way, and it took some time for it to process, but it's like once you give yourself permission to mess up, it's like, okay, well now I can kind of do anything. And this is true in so many facets of life. Like I think in business, in in personal activities, um, maybe even in relationships.
[00:05:31] But I can, I'm kind of like seeing parallel to this as I'm talking about in other parts of my own life. Um, and humans learn by making mistakes. If we did everything perfectly all the time, like, I don't even know. I think that's just not, our brains just aren't designed that way. And especially with like a physical skill, like a game.
[00:05:50] And obviously with a sport there's, there's many components to it. But if we're talking about just like physical effort, like how, how fast are you running? How much are you hustling? Are you diving for the ball? Are you reaching in, are you using your body? Like, I'm not even talking about like seeing the game and like strategic stuff.
[00:06:05] Cause I think that's even more advanced. I'm talking about just physically being comfortable in your own body to go out there and use your body to play the game. It's physically impossible to get better at stuff if you don't mess up, if you don't try something and feel what it feels like in your body and then learn how to then kind of try and change that feeling to do it differently.
[00:06:26] And so once, so there's that piece of it. And then there's like the, I think probably the shame around like messing up and not wanting to be embarrassed and not wanting his teammates or his coaches or us or anyone else watching to like think less of and be like, oh look, that kid just like blew that. And so once we kind of kind of flipped this perspective and saying it's actually really good to make mistakes, go out and make all the mistakes, there started to be kind of a slow change.
[00:06:57] And then I'm recording this on, what is this, Monday, January 23. Ben just had two games over the weekend and watching him play over these last two games, he was like a different kid out on the court. Um, and it's all relatively speaking. I'm not comparing him to anyone else. I'm only comparing him, you know, to himself.
[00:07:19] But the the just the, the, the willingness, the effort, the movement, the trying, the, the going after the ball, the hustle. Was like night and day. And as a result, he made a bunch of mistakes. He missed a ton of shots, like he traveled and he got upset by that. So when he walked off the court yesterday, he, he played the best, he had played all season and he got really upset and he had like a mini meltdown in the car.
[00:07:48] And he was like, I should have made those shots. I missed, I messed up. I should have made those shots. And so again, we had that conversation around this is, you're missing the shots cuz you're taking the shots, right? You can't miss the shots that you don't take. Right? There's some like, you know, uh, overused quote about, you miss all the shots that you don't take, or something like that.
[00:08:07] It's like an analogy to life, but I mean, it's really kind of true. And so once we reminded him of that and then once he went out in the backyard and kind of practiced and took some shots and was like, yeah, I can do this. It becomes this reminder about effort and that when you put in effort, so much is possible.
[00:08:28] When you try, when you put yourself out there, it's scary because you might mess up and you might get in situations that you don't know how to handle and you don't know what to do and you've never been in before. But if you don't try, you'll never get there, and then you'll never learn and get those skills.
[00:08:50] We talked with him and he actually articulated this himself at one point during many conversations around this. He said something after one game that he wasn't proud of his effort. And I was like, oh my God. Like, yes, that's it. Like I love that articulation. And so now we've kind of talked about you wanna walk away from a game or practice or anything.
[00:09:09] This isn't even just about sports, obviously, and you wanna be proud of your effort. And so, the kind of, I wanna kinda like start to, you know, transition this away from Ben's basketball. It's like nine minutes into this. I didn't plan on spending that long, um, into like, why is this relevant to you listening?
[00:09:28] And two things. One is because we are always focused on the outcome instead of the effort. Really kind of, that's the big thing. We are always focused on the outcome instead of the effort, especially when it comes to food and body stuff. Right. Food stuff has always been about being on a diet and being on a diet has always been about the end result.
[00:09:49] How much weight did I lose? and what pants could I fit into? Never about how am I showing up along the way because it's always been, I'm just following the rules. How closely can I adhere to these rules that are given to me, even if they're miserable, right? I talked about this in last week's episode, like if you're suffering through it, then the outcome isn't worth it, so it's then you can't even like really value your effort because you're so fucking miserable doing this diet that it's like, well, I hope that the outcome is worth it because this is terrible.
[00:10:17] And so I'm, I shared the kind of this story about Ben because I think it's, uh, it's the human experience and I see it. I saw it in myself and I see it show up. I think in so many people around food that we are afraid to put in the effort, especially when you think about moving away from dieting and learning how to use skills to eat, to move away from that structure.
[00:10:42] And not gonna say that structure, that kind of rigidity, and that familiarity and that comfort of a diet, right? Because things can be familiar and comforting even if they're not serving us, even if they're ultimately bad from us. For us, because our, our nervous system seeks safety first.
[00:10:55] Even if sometimes a thing that makes us safe is bad for us, we will continue to do it. That shows up constantly. Um, When we think about wanting to make that shift, it's like, oh my God, what if I can't do it? I don't wanna mess up. I don't. It's like there's so much doubt because it's unfamiliar, but it's like if we never try, if we never do it, then nothing will happen, right?
[00:11:19] Because we're afraid of making mistakes. What if I can't do this? What if I like don't know how to live without a diet? Like the reality is that when you put in the effort and you try and you show yourself what you're capable of. You do feel that sense of pride and you are like, oh my God, look what I just did.
[00:11:40] And then all you need is that little bit of evidence, right? That one rebound, that one shot made. Back to the basketball analogy. To feel that confidence. Oh look, I had that ice cream in the freezer and I didn't eat the whole pint. Or, um, friends came over for dinner and we ordered pizza and I was able to comfortably eat two slices and have some salad and like feel really good about it.
[00:12:03] Because you use these skills. And so when we think about trying to shift away from the outcome and think about the effort, we wanna think about measuring progress in terms of effort, right? So again, like. I don't want Ben to be thinking about, well, I had 10 rebounds and, and 15 points and however many assists.
[00:12:27] I mean, that's the way, like the NBA measures things, but as a kid it's like, how much effort, how many times did I hustle to try and get that ball? Um, you know, did I, did I help my teammate up off the floor? Um, did I listen to my coaches? Did I have a good attitude? Like, what is the effort? And so what does that look like kind of in the context of our work?
[00:12:45] It could look like eating protein as many meals as possible. It could look like putting your fork down between bites if you're trying to slow down and work on fullness. It could look like identifying what are my negative body image triggers? If you are struggling with body image, what are the triggers that make me start having these really tough thoughts and talking to myself in a really mean way?
[00:13:03] How can I identify those? How can I add in more walks or how can I walk for a few extra minutes on the walks I'm already doing? What is the effort that I am putting in, moving me kind of towards wherever I want to go? Because the reality is we can't control these outcomes. You can't control whether the ball goes into the basket.
[00:13:24] You can't control what the other team is doing or how they're guarding you or how they perform or what they do. Just like I can't control if I do increase my protein in every meal, I can't control when that's going to translate into fat loss, if that's a goal of mine. Um, if I work on identifying my body and image triggers, I don't know when I'm gonna get to a point where I'm no longer like beating myself up over like the fat on my stomach.
[00:13:49] I don't know when those thoughts are going to start to kind of dissipate or turn down in volume. But I know that I'm showing up for myself and I know that I'm proud of that effort because it's in alignment with my values. Talked about this last week. I'm gonna keep talking about it because everything comes back to this and putting in effort and having that integrity.
[00:14:10] Cuz really I think it's about integrity. It's about acting in a way that's in alignment with what matters to you. That's effort. If you care about something you are gonna wanna put in effort. And when we let the fear of messing up or making mistakes or feeling uncomfortable because it's new and unfamiliar, hold us back ultimately that's not taking action and alignment with our values.
[00:14:34] That's not putting in effort. That's kind of allowing what's familiar to call the shots. And that's why once we kind of get that little bit of, bit of proof that I mentioned, it gets easier and easier to kind of keep going.
[00:14:53] Um, because we can't control outcomes, we can control effort and we can control our actions. Right. We can't control necessarily what emotions pop into our head. We can't necessarily, at first, we can learn to over time, but at the beginning of this work, you're not necessarily gonna be able to control your thoughts.
[00:15:13] Your thoughts are gonna come. You can control how you respond to them, right? So this is like, where can I focus my energy on what I can control and focus on that? And knowing even though it feels scary to do that because it's new and it's different, right? And if this is like, I'm used to just looking at myself in the mirror and saying, oh my God, I'm disgusting.
[00:15:40] My stomach is so fat. I'm gonna go on a diet. Moving away from that kind of, um, way of life to try something different, to try using a skill-based approach to eating and body image is scary. And if you don't try it, you can't mess up, right? But also, if you don't try it, you're always stuck where you are.
[00:16:01] You'll never get better. You'll never become a better basketball player. You'll never become, I'm gonna say like a better version of yourself, a version of yourself that you want to be. The version of yourself that is more in alignment with what matters to you. And so, again, this really just comes back to noticing that fear, that fear of change and acknowledging it and saying, okay, I get where this is coming from because familiarity and comfort are safe, even if those things are bad for me.
[00:16:33] But if I never, if I never challenge myself and I never put myself out there, I'm always gonna be stuck here. And if I want to get better at this thing and I want to have a better quality of life for myself and live more in alignment with my values I'm going to have to put in effort. I'm going to have to put myself out there and see what happens. And I would nearly guarantee you that it will be the best thing you ever did and that you'll find joy and pride and worthiness in that in a way that you may never have before.
[00:17:15] Um, and if you hear me getting choked up like I am, um, because I've seen this in myself, I just watched it in my 10 year old kid. And again, this is not about basketball. This is about like being a human and the things that we tell ourselves, the stories we tell ourselves, and so.
[00:17:36] and, and, and really what we are ultimately capable of when we have the right support. And so that's what I want this to be for you. I want this, I want this to be that support. I want you to feel seen and heard and for it to give you kind of like that little push to say, okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to take this risk.
[00:17:55] I'm ready to put myself out there. I'm ready to do something different. Because I want a be better quality of life, and I wanna show up in a way that's more connected to who I actually am and what matters to me.
[00:18:06] Um, so that's really what this episode is about. And, um, I'd love to hear your thoughts and thank you for listening , um, and more soon.
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