Episode 109: how to actually feel happy with your body
Today’s episode is inspired by the movie Stutz which I watched on Netflix over the holiday.
I’m talking about why what we see on the outside never captures a person’s lived experience on the inside. So when we look at before and after photos or see someone famous lose a bunch of weight and automatically assume they are happy and their life is better, there is SO much we’re missing.
Happiness doesn’t come from achieving an external goal around money or a clothing size or a job or a house.
It comes from the actions you’ve taken that are in line with your values and how you want to show up in the world.
And as we come into 2023 and you’re thinking about what you want for yourself this year, this conversation is essential.
In this episode you’ll hear:
Why external changes don’t guarantee happiness
How to improve body image without losing weight
Why seeing celebrities lose weight feels so triggering
How to stay connected to YOUR work when it seems like a quick fix would be the easy answer
I’m looking to begin working with 4-5 new 1:1 clients this month. If you’re ready to make a permanent change so you can stop feeling obsessed with food, start feeling at ease in your body and lose fat, I’d love to help. Click here to schedule a compliment call so we can talk about what working together could look like.
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[00:00:29] Hey everyone. It's episode 109 of The Diet Diaries. So today is the first day that I'm making that official announcement, which is super cool. And this episode is getting published on Monday, January 2nd, and I had an episode planned for today. I haven't recorded it yet, but I have it outlined.
[00:00:49] So today is Monday, December 26th.
[00:00:51] I usually will record episodes about a week or so in advance. It depends. I watched a movie yesterday and it really got me thinking [00:01:00] and also got me thinking about a couple of other topics that I wanted to talk about, and they kind of go together. And because this is so top of mind for me, I decided to do this episode today and I'm gonna save the kind of more New Year's focus episode for next Monday the ninth, because they actually go really well together.
[00:01:18] And I think what I'm gonna share today is a really great kind of lead in to that. And so here's what I wanna talk about today. I watched the movie Stutz yesterday, which if you're not familiar with it, it's on Netflix and it is the movie that Jonah Hill, the actor made about and with his therapist.
[00:01:35] And it is wonderful and moving and just an amazing reminder of what it is to be a human being and that being a human is really, really hard work and nobody tells you that. And a lot of times we're not even really like given the tools to cope with that. Um, and so when we have all these complicated, [00:02:00] complex thoughts and emotions and behaviors and all of these things that are all wrapped up in each other and we think there's something wrong with us, but there's not, it's just part of being human.
[00:02:11] And, and to me that's really what this movie was about. And um, Jonah Hill made the movie. Because his therapist and the tools that his therapist used had such a profound impact on his life that he wanted to share it with as many people as possible. It's really like an act of kindness and generosity, this movie.
[00:02:31] So, um, here's what it got me thinking about. During the film Jonah Hill shares that he had and every, I mean, I assume that you're familiar with him. He's a pretty famous actor. He's been nominated for a couple Academy Awards. He was in Moneyball, he was in the Wolf of Wall Street. He was in Knocked Up way back when.
[00:02:49] Um, he's a comedic actor but has also done some more serious stuff and he has, struggled with his weight for a very long time and he talks a lot about that in the movie. And he [00:03:00] shares that he became very successful at Hollywood very quickly, at a fairly young age and made a lot of money and became very famous.
[00:03:09] And he was like, when that happened, I was still miserable inside and I became even more depressed. He said, because he realized that, that he thought all this time, he thought that when he became successful, that would be the answer. That would be the reason why he wasn't happy that he just had to be successful.
[00:03:27] He just had to make money. He just had to become famous. And then that would be it. And then he'd be happy. And then all that stuff happened and he still wasn't happy. And he shared that he became even more depressed because he's like, shit, well now what do I do? That wasn't the answer. So what is.
[00:03:44] And that hit me like a ton of bricks.
[00:03:48] Because I think for me and for so many of us who are listening, the parallel to that is around weight loss. When I lose a certain amount of weight, when I fit into a certain size pants, [00:04:00] then I will be happy. Then everything will be good, then life will be okay, and it's just not true. And there is a paradigm of thinking around this called the arrival fallacy, which is when we, it's, we think that we're going to arrive at a destination and that again, that will be the answer.
[00:04:16] Whether it's money, whether it's fame, whether it's weight loss, whether it's a certain house or a certain car or a certain job or a certain salary level, or there can so many places that this shows up and yet it never does. We are still left feeling the way that we have always felt. It is not the answer. And he realized that he has to do work.
[00:04:39] Like this is what, this is the challenge. This is how hard it is to be human. That those things don't just like, take away the pain. That going through pain and that suffering is part of being human and that we have to do work. We have to consciously be paying attention to our actions, to what we're feeling, to the thoughts that come out of those [00:05:00] emotions, and to find a way to deal with that in a way that works for us.
[00:05:05] And so again, I wanted to talk about this because of the very clear parallel to fat loss. Every time I bring up topics like this, I always say that I coach people with fat loss. I believe in fat loss. However, I do not believe in fat loss as being the answer to feel better about yourself, to feel better about, um, who you are, your self-worth, your value in the world.
[00:05:27] That is not the answer. The reason why you want to lose weight is a really important question to answer. What is your why? Why do I wanna do this? And if you think it's because it's going to make you happy, then that's where we need to start addressing stuff. For lack of a better term. And this got me really thinking about before and after photos, right?
[00:05:53] So on the outside you see someone become really famous, right? This happens a lot, especially now. You look at like Instagram influencers and suddenly [00:06:00] you see people like blowing up on TikTok and going viral, and suddenly someone who you never heard of is like, it's all you hear about and you're like, oh my God, their life must be amazing.
[00:06:09] They must be so happy. They're famous now and they're making all this money. Whether it's someone on social media or in Hollywood, or someone that you see. Like you see before and after pictures of someone who's lost weight. I mean, in my Instagram search thing, it's lots of nail art, and because of the nature of the work that I do, there are tons of before and after pictures in there.
[00:06:30] And yeah, sometimes I click on them cuz I am curious about how people are talking about this. And every time I do, it's the same thing. You just don't know, right? We walk around saying, oh, you never know what someone is going through. Well, a photo doesn't change that. People do those before and after photos to sell, to make money.
[00:06:54] To sell either their coaching or their program or to talk about like, you know, [00:07:00] someone else's, right? But ultimately it's about selling something. Um, And we're trying to convince people that what they have done is good. And look, there are probably many cases where that person, maybe their quality of life improved or they had other changes.
[00:07:23] But I know without a shadow of a doubt, because from my own personal experiences and speaking with clients and people who have been through this and other coaches. That before and after photos. Just like seeing someone in Hollywood make it and be super successful is never the whole picture. And that just because someone looks a certain way or has gone has had a transformation from point A to point B.
[00:07:49] Whether that's from being in a bigger body to a smaller body, being from poor to rich, being from an unfamous to famous. Does not mean that they are happy, does not mean that they have it all [00:08:00] figured out. Does not mean that they are calm and content and settled and at ease with who they are in this world.
[00:08:06] It just doesn't. I think in fact, and I, I'm not saying this, that I know with any facts, factual information, but that the strive for that almost reflects a deep lack of all of that, a deep lack of self-worth and peace and ease, because the need to have that thing on the outside. It's like, well, what, where is that coming from?
[00:08:30] Like, why is that needed so badly? Um, and so just seeing him talk about this in this film and thinking about the work that I do, and this is why this fits in with next week's episode, is because now, right, we're in a new year. And it's so much about well it's a New Year and what are you gonna do and what changes are you gonna make?
[00:08:48] If New Year's resolutions feel good for you and it feels good for you to want to set out some new goals or objectives in a new year, cuz it's a fresh start, that's great and I'm gonna talk more about that [00:09:00] next week and a, a different way of thinking about that, that I think will be really useful and helpful if you have, if you always want to kind of set a new goal or a resolution, but then find as usual a few weeks or a month in, it's like, oh, well what happened?
[00:09:13] There's a reason why, and I'm gonna talk about it next week, and what you can do to do something differently. Um, but just kind of start to notice like if the thoughts are popping up around, oh, if I just lose 20 pounds this year, like, everything will be better. I'll just be happier. I'll like how I look better.
[00:09:31] You know, notice those thoughts popping up because there are things you can do right now to feel better about how you look to feel better in your body. Depending on your history and your history with dieting and your body and your unique needs, absolutely. Fat loss can improve your quality of life.
[00:09:48] It can improve your health, it can improve a lot of things, sometimes, not all of the time, right? Because really depends on your body, your health, um, how much excess body fat you have [00:10:00] and all of that. And that's not really the, the purpose of this episode. It's really to just notice. And kind of become aware of the thoughts that we have around achieving these things and what we think is going to happen when we do.
[00:10:16] Um, and again, this comes back to your why. Why do I want this thing? Why do I wanna make this amount of money? Why do I wanna lose this weight? Why do I wanna be in this size clothing? And that's connected to your values, right? And you know, because in your gut. You know the answer. If you say to yourself, well, why do I wanna be, um, a size six?
[00:10:40] You know, I'm just throwing that off. Cause that, that was always like my thing in my head I was like, oh, if I could just be a size six to an eight. Right? Cuz I have always been since I was like 15, 16, a size 10 or above, I have not been a size six or an eight since I was maybe like, I don't know, 10 or 11 years old.
[00:10:57] Um, and I always thought that like buying a size six [00:11:00] or eight pants, like, well I could do that. Everything will be okay. And news flash I never there. But why is that? Why did I think that? Well then I'll look a certain way and I'll look how people want me to look and I will fit in and I won't have this stomach and I won't have this fat and I'll look pretty and all of that.
[00:11:16] Not because I thought I would be healthier or stronger or feel better in my body. It wasn't about any of that. It was entirely about how I looked. And then over time, and with a lot of work, I realized that I could be happy with how I looked like in this body by taking other actions, um, and by doing a lot of mindset work.
[00:11:33] Um, so it, this really comes back to are you taking action in a way that lines up with your values? And if you think about like the Jonah Hill thing, and obviously he shares a lot in the movie, so you do kind of get a sense of like what he was going through. But if it's like, oh, I'm just in it, like to make money to have money, is that really like who someone wants to be as a person?
[00:11:58] Probably not. Like you get, we get wrapped up in this [00:12:00] stuff, just like, oh, when I lose 20 or 30 pounds or whatever it is. Like, is that really like, what you value and what connects you and, and, and you living kind of in your integrity. And think about it this way, if your kid came to you and said that like, oh, when I lose 20 pounds, I'll look better.
[00:12:16] I'll be a happier person. Would you look at your kid and be like, oh yeah, a hundred percent. You'd be like, no, I think there's other ways that you could be happy. Work on being happy now. And that if you wanna lose weight, we need to look at other reasons like why that would matter for you. But it's like we don't do that for ourselves.
[00:12:32] You know, I think this this also kind of connects into, I was having a conversation with a client about this a couple weeks ago when we see like celebrities lose weight and Jonah Hill has lost a lot of weight. He's kind of gone back and forth and he talks about that too in the movie. And this isn't so much about him, but, um, I was having a conversation with a client around, uh, Mindy Kaling.
[00:12:52] So she noticed, she saw some pictures on social media, noticed that Mindy Kaling has recently lost a lot of weight, and Mindy Kaling was someone who [00:13:00] was kind of like, I'm gonna say average size. I don't know what her clothing size was, but you know, definitely carried like some extra body fat and kind of looked like an average woman.
[00:13:09] Like, definitely not, you know, super thin. I think probably maybe like a size 12, 14, I don't really know, but kind of just felt relatable, right? She kind of looked like us and then she lost a ton of weight, and now she's very, very thin. And I've seen that we've, we've said that, we've seen that with Adele.
[00:13:28] We've seen that with, um, what's the Australian girl with a blonde hair? I'm blanking on her name. Um, uh, Rebel Wilson. Um, and I've seen it, like there's a couple people I follow on Instagram. There's this one girl, her name is, uh, Mick, I think it's Zan or Zan. She's an influencer, she's an eating disorder survivor and has recently lost weight and has been talking about it as part of her recovery process where she's gained and lost and her body.
[00:13:51] She says she refers to it as she's growing into a smaller body. Anyway, and it brings up, I think, a lot, and she's been talking a lot about people's [00:14:00] reactions and people are upset and they're like, you know, you're not representing people in a bigger body anymore and all, all of this stuff. But the reason I'm bringing this up is because I think it does fit alongside this, where we see people do something, we only see the outside, right.
[00:14:16] I don't know why Mindy Kaing decided to lose weight. She talked about like that she didn't have great eating habits and would just kind of eat mindlessly, and now she's claiming that she hasn't restricted anything and she's just become more aware of like portions and not eating mindlessly and paying attention.
[00:14:29] Do I really want things and things that sound like really great practices and habits, obviously things that I talk about. Um, do we ultimately know, like if that's what she did, right? When there's the Hollywood thing, I think there's like, well, who really knows what's going on?
[00:14:41] But there's like this sense kind of grief. I think when we see someone change in a way, that was where we felt like connected to them in a way, because maybe they looked like us and then now they don't. And it's like, oh, well there goes that person. I felt connected to them [00:15:00] and they were famous or they were well known, or they had a platform and it felt like I was represented in that way and now I'm not.
[00:15:07] And that feels sad and disappointing. It's like, oh, there's another person who. Has lost weight, and now we just assume that their life is wonderful and oh, we just automatically assume like, oh, they're so much more attractive and they're better. And this seems like, I think this is a little bit of a tangent off of what I was talking about originally, but I do think it's connected in that we see things on the outside and we don't know what is going on in the inside.
[00:15:33] And I think it's just so important to. When we watch people in in Hollywood and social media have success, lose weight, look different suddenly, and not know like, oh, do they have plastic surgery? Where did that come from? To remember that we never really know what is going on. And that changing how we look on the [00:16:00] outside does not inherently change all the struggles we have on the inside.
[00:16:07] We have to show up and do the work. And what do I mean? What do I say? Like the work, um, in the context of what I talk about here are skills, right? Around learning what why, how to eat. Really starting to pay attention and gain awareness of your habits and behaviors. What are your emotions around food?
[00:16:25] What are the thoughts that come out of those emotions? And then what are the habits that come out of that? And how does that feed into this cycle? Um, and then the body image piece is how are you talking to yourself? What's the language that you're using? What actions are you taking to kind of respond to that?
[00:16:41] Are they, you know, positive or are they negative? Um, why do you feel the way that you feel about your body? Like, right, this is the work and it's hard and it's uncomfortable. but just coming back to sort of the overall idea of this, is happiness and feeling [00:17:00] good about who you are and in your body.
[00:17:05] it doesn't come from arriving at this destination. Whether that's money, a job, weight loss, a size, clothing, whatever it is, right? It becomes, it comes because you are showing up for yourself every day and working these skills and paying attention to the thoughts that are going through your head and the actions that you take to respond to them, and that you always have a choice around those.
[00:17:28] So thanks for listening. I feel like I got like, hmm, maybe went a little far down a path towards the end of this one. Um, and this might have been a little more heady and philosophical of an episode, but this is gonna lead into next week. Well, next week is gonna be really tactical around if you are someone who does wanna set New Year's goals, resolutions, a different way of thinking about how to do it.
[00:17:49] And this doesn't apply just to New Year's. This can be used anytime. So if you're not a New Year's person, if you're a March 15th person. Just know that, um, that's coming next week, January 9th.
[00:17:59] [00:18:00] And also wanted to let you know that I have one-on-one coaching spots available, and I am looking to take on four to five new clients this month.
[00:18:07] And so I'm gonna have a link as I always do to set up a discovery call. Specifically working with, people who have, like all of you listening in some capacity, struggled with food. Really just feeling disconnected, jumping from diet to diet, losing weight, gaining weight, losing weight, gaining weight, and ready to make a change once and for all.
[00:18:26] Uh, maybe around losing fat, fat. And or working on body image and just feeling more at ease around food. So again, you can set up a call by clicking on the link in the show notes, or you can also go to my website, set up a discovery call. We can talk, I can learn more about you, you can hear how coaching works, and we can figure out if it's a good fit.
[00:18:47] Okay? Thanks for listening. Until next week.
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