Episode 107: the one question that can change your negative body image
Back today with another episode focused on how to improve body image with a very specific question you can use to check in when you find yourself trash talking your body in the mirror.
Because for some reason its become totally ok to be mean to ourselves and believe that that’s what will motivate us to change. Except….it doesn’t.
So in today’s episode I’m sharing a simple tool you can use to pause and check in to immediately interrupt the negative thoughts and begin to slowly improve your negative body image over time.
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Hey everyone, it's episode 107 of Movement Diaries, and today's gonna be a continuation of the body image series that I kicked off a couple of weeks ago. I wanna keep these really digestible and [00:01:00] usable for you. So I'm just gonna talk about kind of one specific skill. Or tool or story in each episode.
I'm gonna get to that in a second. But first, I have a big announcement to make today, and it's big to me, and that is I am changing the name of the podcast from the Movement Diaries to do a little drum roll to the Diet Diaries. And I love this name because, The word diaries has always felt really meaningful to me and really perfect for a podcast because this is really about creating a safe space.
Um, for me to share, for you to listen, for you to respond for all of the really hard, messy, complicated, nuanced stuff about what it has been like to live on a diet for most of your life, or to be planning your next diet and to feel trapped and obsessed with food. And a diary is a place where you can kind of let all that out, where [00:02:00] you can kind of get it out of your head and into the universe.
Except now, instead of doing that just on your own, where there still can really feel like so much of that shame now it's out in the open. And there's sort of this shared connection that we have through this, um, through this medium of this podcast. And so that's why the word diet, uh, diet diaries continue to be really important to me.
And I wanted to change the upfront part because when I started this, I was teaching movement and I've now transitioned into coaching and I just wanted the name of the podcast to better reflect the work that I do, which is so much around how are we moving away from dieting?
Um, learning about what is diet culture? What is anti- diet culture, what are, what does that mean? And is there someplace in the middle between those two things? Like, do we have to pick like one of those teams, which is what it feels like all the time. So that's the new name, the Diet Diaries, and I love good alliteration.
Um, , [00:03:00] this doesn't change anything. The content really is gonna stay the same. I've already kind of shifted the content in the direction that I've wanted it to go and will continue to do so. What this means is that if you subscribe to the podcast starting on Monday, January 2nd, which is when this is gonna go into effect, instead of seeing the name, the Movement diaries, and kind of the original graphic, you're gonna see the new graphic and the new name.
Um, all the old episodes will still be there, you'll still be able to access them. Like nothing is changing or going away. It's really just a simple, like, like a click of a button on the backend where I changed the name and I changed the artwork.
Um, so it's really not that big of a deal in terms of that kind of stuff. So just wanted to let you know, uh, two weeks from today, I think it is January 2nd, that is what you will start to see moving forward, and that is obviously how I will be referring to the podcast. So let's dive into today's topic.
And like I mentioned, we're kind of picking back up with this conversation around body image and I wanted to share a very specific tool today, and that is this idea, this, this, [00:04:00] um, sort of pause or a check-in where you pause and say to yourself, would I say this to a friend?
And the context in which this becomes relevant is when you are looking at yourself in the mirror or you're trying on clothes, or in any situation that feels triggering for you and you find yourself being really mean, saying, oh my God, you're so disgusting.
You can't wear those pants. Look at that fat. You're gross. You're lazy. You didn't go to the gym, you ate too much last night. Like you are not going to be pretty until you lose some of this belly fat, whatever it is for you.
This is where we want to start to pause and say, hold on a second, because really like, why is it okay to do that?
Why has it become totally normalized to talk to ourselves in this way? And a lot of times we'll do it privately, but we'll do it with other people too. I mean, how many times have you commiserated with a friend over your body and kind of trade it back and forth about like, oh my God, I hate my stomach. Oh my God, I hate my thighs.
Oh my God, I'm so fat. Oh my God. Look at this cellulite. Oh my God. Look at these [00:05:00] stretch marks. It's almost, almost becomes like this weird, like competition in a way of like, who has it worse, of whose body is like more or less than. Um, but the reality is you would never say that to your friend about her.
You would only say it about yourself. And I've spent a lot of time thinking about like, why, why is that? Like why has it become, why do we think that talking this way to ourselves is okay. And I think it comes from this place of we think that it's what is going to motivate us to change, and that if we are hard on ourselves, it feels like a form of like discipline.
I think if we are hard on ourselves and we are disciplining ourselves in this way, that that is what is going to get us to change. Except the science shows us around behavior change. Like that's actually not true. That's not how it works. We do not change from a place of self punishment and self hatred, self-hatred.
We change from a place of self-compassion. [00:06:00] And so this check-in of, would I say this to a friend, kind of like couples really nicely with the practice of self-compassion, and I talked a lot about this in episode 92. I will link it in the show notes, which was more around this idea of acceptance versus settling.
But this is relevant here because there's really two components to self-compassion. There's the tender part, which is the acceptance around the things that we can't change, and there's the fierce part, which is the taking action part, which is like, okay, I'm, I've accepted that there's certain things about this situation that I can't change that are what they are, and at the same time, there are things I can take action on to change how I'm feeling.
To change how, to move me closer to where I want to be, to be taking action in a way that's aligned with my values. Those things are not mutually exclusive. Acceptance does not mean that you just like throw up your hands and be like, all right, well this sucks. Like it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it.
There are parts of that situation [00:07:00] that you may not be able to do anything about, and there are parts of that situation that you can do things about, but we tend to think if like one thing feels like that's it, I can't control this, I can't change. We then sort of like extrapolate that to everything and we're like, well, whatever.
I might as well. Like why bother? I can't change everything, so I'll just change nothing. So the way this fits in with this check-in is when you catch yourself, what, again, whether you're looking in the mirror, you're getting dressed, sometimes eating itself can be a trigger for like a lot of that negative talk.
It doesn't, I'm using body image as kind of like the just like one reference point, but this is relevant to so many parts of this work around what you ate around, whether or not you exercised around a sort of like your mindset and your behaviors where we'll be like, I'm so lazy, lazy, I'm so unmotivated, I'm outta control.
Like I have no willpower. A lot of that type stuff too. This is all relevant. So you catch yourself doing this and you pause and you say to yourself, would I say this to a friend? And if the [00:08:00] answer's gonna be no, right, we know the answer is going to be no, you would never do that because it's mean and it's cruel.
And you would not want to hurt your friend in that way. You'd want to support them and make them feel seen, and that is what the tender part of the self-compassion is. So you say, when I say this to a friend, no. Then what comes is the self-compassion piece. Holding some space for yourself and saying, this sucks.
This feels really difficult right now , but that's okay. I just wanna notice what these feelings are. I'm not trying to push them away cause we try to push stuff away and wish that it wasn't happening that makes things even worse, right? So to sit there and say, oh my God, I wish I didn't hate my stomach. I wish I didn't feel this way.
I wish that I didn't feel so outta control around food. Like that is like resistance. We do feel this way. It is like, this is the reality. This is like the truth of the moment. So accepting that and saying, okay, this is where things are and it sucks and I don't wanna [00:09:00] feel this way, but this is where I am.
And just holding some space for that and just allowing yourself to feel it instead of pushing it away. That's the acceptance. Then comes, well what can I do about this? Right? And so that's where this skill, it's kind of on the front end and on the back end. Right. It's committing to practicing this, to noticing when you're saying these things to yourself and instead of allowing it to spiral like we usually do, to pause, to take a breath and say, okay, this is not helpful, right?
Saying these things to myself is not helpful, so I'm gonna remind myself, would I say this to a friend? No and I'm gonna use that just as a way to interrupt the thought pattern. It doesn't mean that those thoughts are not gonna continue, but it's a way you can use it again, right? This isn't like, oh, I used that skill once the box is checked, now I have to find something else.
You could literally use this over and over and over again, and I mean within like a five minute period, right? If you're having like a really tough couple of moments [00:10:00] given whatever's going on. Again, and again and again. Would I say this to a friend?
And I think it's really helpful to personalize this instead of just generically saying, would I say this to a friend? Pick someone. Maybe it's your daughter. Maybe it's your best friend. Maybe it's your mom. It doesn't matter who it is. Pick someone in your life that you really care about, that you want to support, that you want to help, that you want the best for, right?
Doesn't mean you just coddle them and say, oh, it's okay. Like this isn't about like, um, just platitudes and humoring other people or yourself. But pick someone cuz it makes it more personal, it makes it more relevant. Um, and then say , would I say this to that person? No, I would not do that.
So, okay, I've gotta pause. Have a moment of accepting and noticing what's going on and then saying, well what can I do about this? And again, just reminding yourself that it's not okay to speak that way to yourself is a really big part of this. Right. Asking yourself, is this helpful? Is [00:11:00] this even true?
So here's where we kind of get into the conversation around what body image is. And body image is an opinion. It is your perception of how you see yourself. And even though, right, right. There's that euphemism, like perception is reality. But we look at like facts versus opinions, the way you perceive yourself the opinion that you have of what your body looks like is just that it's an opinion. It's not a fact.
A fact is like my hair is, you know, chin length. An opinion would be, my hair looks gross at this length. Right? A fact would be, um, my belly is round. An opinion would be, um, my stomach is fat and disgusting.
Um, a fact would be my thighs are a little bit fuller right now. An opinion would be, um, my thighs are like sausages and look disgusting stuffed into these pants. Right? Do you see the difference? This isn't about denying reality, right? If you are in a bigger body right [00:12:00] now, you are in a bigger body right now, right?
This isn't about like ignoring that or trying to, I don't know, be out of touch with what's actually happening, but it's trying to strip away some of the emotion to make things less emotionally charged and look at things more subjectively, more, not more objectively use the wrong word. You ever get those mixed up objective and subjective?
It's like former and latter. When you like, say things in a sentence, looking at things more objectively with, , a lens of what are actually the facts here, and what is my opinion? Great. And is all that's gonna happen in, in your closet while you're standing there trying to get dressed? No, but just this reminder of, would I say this to a friend?
Would I say with the name of the person is going to be a reminder to you that it's not okay to talk to yourself like that and to just do a check-in and say, okay, this is okay, I'm going through this, this is how things are, and kind of move on from there. Um, and I think just to kind of go back to why we do this in the first place.
Again, we [00:13:00] think that like this, it's like a self-discipline and that's how we're gonna change. But really change comes from a place of, like I mentioned this before, self-compassion and that self-compassion is not being like soft with yourself. It's not like coddling yourself. It's, that's not what it is.
That's why there's the tender part and there's the fierce part, and they coexist. It's the acceptance and the action. It is both. So I think we think about self-compassion and being soft on ourselves as just like being like a pushover, um, and settling. And that's not what it is at all. Accepting where your body is right now does not mean that's where it's going to be forever, does not mean that's where it has to be forever.
But it means that this is where you are and there may be certain things about your body that you might not be able to change. And there are certain things about your body and the way you eat and the way you exercise and all these things that you can change. And it's learning to know the difference and pausing and asking yourself, would I say this to a friend, is something you can [00:14:00] change.
You can change the way that you talk to yourself, and that's a really big part of this. That's what I wanted to share today. Thank you for listening. Again, Diet Diaries, January 2nd. Um, thanks for being here and would love if you would subscribe to the podcast that way new episodes get downloaded into wherever you listen every Monday.
They're there for you. And it's just a really great way to support the podcast and actually help more people find it. So thanks so much for being here.
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