episode 261: the most valuable question you need to be asking yourself
Lately, I’ve been noticing how easy it is to outsource our opinions.
About clothes. Food. Workouts. Supplements. Even our bodies.
In this episode, I’m talking about the copycat culture we’re all swimming in right now. The constant links, recommendations, and “everyone loves this” energy. And the insidious way it teaches us to stop trusting ourselves.
I’m sharing the one question I keep coming back to when I feel that pull to buy it, try it, or do it just because someone else swears by it: How is this actually working for me?
We’re talking about:
Why copying someone else’s strategy is a fast track to self-doubt
What’s really happening when something “works for everyone else” but not for you
How to stop blaming yourself when a product, plan, or trend doesn’t work for you
If you’ve ever bought the thing, tried the plan, or followed the advice and thought, why isn’t this working for me? — this one will hit home.
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261
[00:00:00] Hey friends. Welcome back to the Diet Diaries. Um, let's see, this is gonna air on Monday, is that February 2nd? Groundhog Day. Um, it's winter. Kind of feels like Groundhog Day, um, although, which is kind of normal winter. I live in New Jersey, which you may or may not know. And you know, very used to cold weather and the snow.
But for the last five or so years, we have just not gotten a lot of snow. It's been weird. Um, and this winter we are getting a lot of snow. Kind of a normal amount of snow, but it feels like a lot because we're not used to it now, right? You get accustomed to these things and you're like, oh my God, what do I do?
And we just got about a foot of snow this weekend and it's very, very cold this week. So anyway, Groundhog Day is like, oh, it's like, you know, six weeks till spring, but it doesn't even mean anything 'cause it doesn't really get warm here until May Anyway, so. If you are somewhere where it is cold and wintry, I'm with you.
And if you are somewhere [00:01:00] where it is warm and sunny, that's awesome. I do love having four seasons. Um, I've always lived with four seasons, but, um, anyway, I don't know. I'm rambling. This is not what I wanna talk about today, so I hope you're gonna hang in there. Here is what I wanna talk about today. And I've written about this a little bit, um, in my weekly email and talked about it a little bit on social media, but the podcast is usually my favorite place to talk about things because there's more time and space.
And that's not to say I just wanna take up space in hearing this out of my own voice, but it just allows for more nuance and it allows for more context and it allows for more, I think, just time to process and you process in a different way when you're listening to a podcast than when you are scrolling and you come across a reel.
Your brain is just in a different place. So I'm hopeful that this will maybe hit a little bit deeper. And what I wanna talk about is kind of like the copycat culture that we are living in right now. And the prevalence is not even the right word. Dominance [00:02:00] maybe of like what I would also call maybe like link culture.
Right. Meaning if you follow an influencer, a creator, a stylist, whatever they wanna call themselves, um. There are, people are constantly posting links of products that they are either selling directly or recommend, and that they then get like an affiliate payment through. Um, and so many, I follow a lot of stylists, right, which I choose to follow.
And every post, or not every post, a lot of posts, the, the caption is like, comment, whatever word for the links, and then the ManyChat, if you don't know this. The way that works there is an automated service that you pay for that sends out those dms directly to you. That is not the person DMing you, it's automation.
Um, and there's lots of ways you can customize it. Um, I used it very briefly and I actually don't think that it ever actually worked 'cause I just don't have that many people commenting on my stuff. Um. But it makes it, it's a [00:03:00] way you pay for that service, but then it becomes an easier way for creators to make money because it sends you the links and then if someone buys for that link, right, they get, you know, a percentage of that.
Um, and it's just, it, it's gotten to the point where like, I'll, I'll, you know, someone that I follow will wear an outfit and they'll post a picture of them when it, whatever, and then two or three slides later. It'll be a screenshot of someone commenting or sending them a DM saying, oh my God, I love that sweater.
Can you send a link? And I'm like, are there people out there who are like buying every single thing that they see a creator posting? I mean, it can't possibly be unless you're like ridiculously wealthy. But even if you're buying like a quarter of it, it's a little bit alarming and unsettling. Um, and this is not a criticism.
This is kind of an observation because I see myself getting sucked into this too, and that's really what I wanted to talk about. Not just certainly in the context of clothes and all that, but in the context of really [00:04:00] anything that you see someone else doing and noticing your. Urge to want to do that thing because you think it's going to make you feel a certain way.
Either it's gonna make you feel the way that they're feeling, or it's gonna make you feel a way that you want to feel, or it's going to make you lose weight, or it's going to make you quote unquote, look better, or it's going to make you happier, or it's going to make you smaller, or it's going to make you fitter, or it's going to make you more stylish, or it's gonna make you cooler, whatever it's going to make you.
There's a belief that if I buy that thing that that person has, it will. Give me this end result. And what I will say is that most of the time I think we all know that's not actually true. And what I have been talking about, what I wanted to share here, right, is using a is kind of pausing and noticing our urge to do this.
And giving ourselves a way to respond to it, to kind of slow down and say, whoa, well just slow roll here, self. Like, [00:05:00] why am I buying this thing? Do I need this And asking myself this thing instead, how is this working for me? Right. So. Great example, and I think I did a podcast episode about this or I definitely talked about it.
I had bought, um, these pants. The brand is Rudy, RUTI. I know I did an episode this, I bought those pants, those barrel pants everyone was talking about. I like, wanted them for years. Finally, they went on the super sale. Whatever I bought them didn't end up liking them and I tried to talk myself into liking them.
They didn't end up working for me. Yeah, but it was totally this thing where I'm like, everybody loves these. I must need to love them too. There's something wrong with me. Why aren't they working for me? I have to love them. Everyone loves them. I need to love them too. That was basically caught in that trap, and then I'm like, oh my God, hold on a hot second here.
How are they working for me? They weren't working for me. They did not fit my body. I was basically in between sizes and they were not something that was really gonna pay to have altered. [00:06:00] Um. They did not work for me, and if I had just sat there and either forced myself to keep them, basically that's what I did.
I kept them. I realized I was never wearing them. I was outside the return window. I did end up being able to sell 'em on Poshmark. Um, or I rip myself apart saying, oh my God, there's something wrong with me. Everyone loves them. Why don't I love them? There must be something wrong with me. And this happens all the time, right?
I talked about protein a couple weeks ago. It's like the same thing. I'm basically talking about the same thing as I talked about in that episode, right? All these people out there will tell you need to eat 140 grams, 106 grams, 180 grams, a hundred grams. Well, yes. Are there recommendations Just like you need X amount of grams of like vitamin CA day so you don't get scurvy.
Yes, there are. But with protein, there's definitely more, a lot more wiggle room and it's like, how do you feel when you eat more protein? How do you feel when you eat less protein? How do you feel when you eat protein at every meal versus at one meal? Right? How is it working for me instead of just doing what someone [00:07:00] tells you to do and taking it at face value?
This is, I think this is such a huge. Topic of conversation and something that is so important and something that is becoming more important by the day, with the way that influencer and creator culture and the creator economy continues to grow. And this is creators are out there making a living. There are plenty of creators that I follow and I respect and I think are great and I have learned from, and I have found things that I, that I love through them.
And also I think we have to be really self-aware of how much stuff we are doing, buying, consuming, without ever even considering or checking in with how we feel about it. Or if we don't like that thing, we blame ourselves. We think there's something wrong with us, because if everyone else loves this and this creator who I love who was so cool and stylish and maybe even small and thin and pretty and all of that, if she loves it, well then there must be something wrong with [00:08:00] me if I don't love it.
I know you have caught yourself in that trap before because I have, and I think it's a normal human response, but then we have to notice that response and we have to respond to that response in a way that. Um, aligns with our values and aligns with truly taking care of ourselves and protecting our own wellbeing and mental health, not ripping ourselves apart because we don't like the thing that this person online likes.
Um, and what's crazy is that I have seen, like one creator that I follow talked about this brand mascara that she was obsessed with, loved. It was her favorite. And then literally another creator that I follow who also has several hundred thousand followers, talked about this same mascara and was like, I fucking hated this mascara.
It did not work for me. And I'm like, okay, cool. I appreciate that. There's two different opinions out there, but. W you have to figure things out for yourself. Worked for one, didn't work for another. Great. How does it work for you? Um, you know, it's like [00:09:00] some protein powder that someone recommends, like, I've recommended protein powders.
Do you like it or do you think it tastes disgusting and tastes like chalk? I don't know. Um, you know, do you think it has an aftertaste? I don't, but you might. Okay, cool. Then it's not gonna work for you. We are losing the ability to have our own opinions and to know what we think and feel about things because we are so almost like brainwashed and feel, I think compelled to like or do something because we see this other person liking or doing something and we think because they have all these followers that they know more than us, that they know more about us than we know about us.
Right? Like the only person who knows. What you like and what feels good for you is you. But I feel like we're starting to let other people tell us what we like, what we should like, what we shouldn't, like what's cool, what's not cool, um, and we're forgetting how to check in and notice and pay attention.
And so pausing and asking myself, how is this working for me? Whether it's about a sweater, a protein powder, a workout, um, some app, [00:10:00] a makeup, a food, whatever it is, how's it working for me? Do I like it? Do I not like it? Is it helping me? Is it not helping me? Is it, is it helping me move towards the goal that I have or not?
Is it making things easier for me? Is making things harder for me? Whatever it is, whatever the thing is, you've got to check in and ask yourself that. And if it's doing the thing you wanted to do and you love it, awesome. But if it's not, that's often where it gets harder. If it's not doing the thing, it feels frustrating and we get annoyed 'cause we're like, it worked for all these people.
It worked for that person. Why is it working for me? There must be something wrong with me. And that's, I think where the tricky part kind of happens because then we either, again, start forcing ourselves to like it or we rip ourselves apart. When what we really need to be doing is just saying, okay, that thing didn't work for me.
That's normal. Not everything, every product, every service works for every person. And just because this thing didn't work doesn't mean that there's not something else out there similar that will work for me. And [00:11:00] just recognizing that it's okay for you not to like something. It's okay for a whole bunch of people to like something and for you not to like it, that's okay.
It's okay for something to work for lots of people and to not work for you. Is it frustrating? Is it annoying? Sometimes? Yes, it is. And also it's okay. And if you force yourself to do that thing or you rip yourself apart because it doesn't work, neither of those things are benefiting you. None of that is bringing you closer to where you wanna go.
What is gonna bring you closer to where you wanna go? Finding the thing that does work, and in the case very often with some of this, it's like you see a sweater and I just have talked, I talked about this recently, right? You see a sweater that someone that a stylist or an influencer creator and I keep sometimes amusing, those terms interchangeably.
Sometimes they're not interchangeable, whatever. You get my point. You see them when you're like, oh my God, it's so cute. I love that sweater. She's wearing that sweater. She looks phenomenal in it. If I buy that sweater, I'm gonna look great. I'm gonna feel great. Right? You might not consciously be [00:12:00] like seeing that play out, but that's basically what's happening, right?
That's, that's, that's the story. She looks, she owns that thing. She likes that thing. She looks great. If I own that thing, I will look great. I will be happy. Right. But we all know that's not how it works because we've all bought enough stuff and done enough things and still felt the way we felt before we bought the thing.
But we keep doing it right because we're humans and we haven't quite figured this out yet. But again, even if you do it, even if you buy the thing, how's this working for me? I bought this sweater that I loved and I was so excited about, and I thought it was gonna make me so happy. Did it make me happy?
Well, maybe it did because maybe you love it and maybe you wear it all the time, in which case, awesome. Great. Um, and then maybe that feeling wore off or maybe you bought the sweater and you're like, ah, it's just okay. It didn't actually make me happy. Okay. That's good information, right? How is this working for me?
Every time we buy something that we think is gonna make us happy or make us look better, or make us more stylish, [00:13:00] or even when, like, I mean, you can take this to kind of even bigger places, right? If I lose weight, if I am smaller, I will be happier. I'll be more attractive. People will like me better. Well.
How did that play out for you? Right. I know lots of people, including folks on GLP ones who have lost a whole bunch of weight and still don't like their bodies, still not happy, still not good enough. Um, because losing weight is not the magic bullet to making you like yourself. You have to actually do work in order to like yourself.
You have to do work in order to feel okay in your body. Losing weight is not that work in some cases for some people. Does it play a role? Yes. But is it the only thing? Fuck no. Not even, I wouldn't even say it's the number one thing because if you never do that work to, to, to, to. Like who you are and to accept your body.
Losing weight is not gonna magically do that for you, right? Just like buying a sweater, buying a necklace, buying a pair of pants, going on a vacation, none of that stuff is gonna do that for you unless you [00:14:00] have already started to do that work on your own and asking, how is this working for me? Is a way to keep checking in and stay self-aware and kind of check yourself and be like, Hey, am I just sort of like.
You know, after the races here and buying things and doing all these things that I think are gonna make me happy when they're not. Or am I actually showing up and like really checking in and being honest with myself about, is this sweater, how's this sweater making me feel? Um, is the way that I'm eating working for me?
Am I doing it just because I'm trying to lose 10 pounds by, you know, my vacation? Um, how is this working for me? Literally, it applies to everything. To again, I just referenced like, oh, I'm gonna go on a diet 'cause I wanna lose weight for this vacation. How's that working for you? Are you fucking miserable?
Um, if you do the diet and you lose the 10 pounds, how do you feel at the end? Are you freaking out because you're gonna gain it back the minute you start eating normally? Or did you do it in a way that felt like really sustainable and you're like, oh, this is great. I'm, I'm actually cool. Great. All good information.
[00:15:00] But copying what someone else is doing because you want their end results. Is a fast track to screwing yourself over. You have to be checking in if you wanna try the thing. If you wanna try the cool TikTok workout, or the cool makeup thing, or you wanna buy the sweater or do the diet, or follow the workout program or whatever it is that you see someone doing because you want their result.
I'm not saying don't do it, do it great, do it. But then be checking in constantly, how is this working for me? And be honest with yourself. Is it truly working for you and working for you? Isn't um. Isn't just like necessarily losing weight and working for you is not just, I'm trying to think of like an example with clothes, right?
Working for you means that you are feeling good, that you are taking care of yourself in a way that's in alignment with your values, meaning taking care of yourself in alignment, [00:16:00] taking care of yourself in a way that's in alignment with how you wanna be showing up in the world. Um, that you're not feeling resentful or angry or pissed off or hungry all the time, or that you're in credit card debt 'cause you bought so many clothes.
Right. Um, how is this working for me? And again, knowing that if it's not working for you, that's okay. That's not bad, that's not a problem. And then how? How are you gonna respond to that with some self-compassion, with acknowledging that it's totally normal for you not to like or need or be able to do all the things that someone else is doing.
Um. So this is really what I wanted to talk about today. Um, this comes up in coaching all of the time. So many of my clients while we're working together will, obviously they're on, they're online, they're on social media, and they'll be seeing things and they'll be like, should I try this? What do you think my friend is doing this, or I saw, you know, this author, this person's doing this diet.
Should I do this walk or this supplement? Or it's all 'cause there's [00:17:00] so much noise, it's constant and. My job and my role as a coach is never to say yes or no, do that or don't do that. It's to get you thinking. And in some cases people have been like, yeah, I actually think that this is an alignment and is gonna give me some good information.
I'm curious. Or as we talk through it, they're like, oh my God, what am I thinking? Like, no, that doesn't make any sense. Like I'm, no, I'm just looking for a quick fix with this. Um, so this is, this is like a life skill, um, and. Again, with the continued growth and prevalence of like link culture and shopping halls, and I mean, you know, it's the middle of January here, so now all the creators are moving on to spring clothes and I'm like, oh my God.
Like, and I get it, that's fine. Um, but it's like, I don't need to start now buying spring clothes because they're buying spring clothes. Um, it's just, it's staying self-aware and this question is a really good way to do that. So. That's what I got for you today. Uh, always love [00:18:00] to connect with you, hear your thoughts.
Send me a message and I'll be back next week.