episode 259: the major change i made at the end of 2025

I had a realization at the end of last year that will sound kind of obvious… but it honestly wasn’t.

Here it is:  I love shopping. I love the hunt, the tracking, the package arriving.

And I also hate what happens after… when my closet feels more stressful, getting dressed feels harder, and I’m like, why did I do this again?

In this episode, I’m connecting shopping to food in a way that’s going to make a lot of things click for you. Because it’s not really about the jeans, the sweater, the late-night snack, or the “I’ll just start over Monday” plan.

It’s about the skill of being able to sit in discomfort without trying to fix the feeling immediately.

If you’ve ever bought something (or eaten something) hoping it would make you feel better… and then felt worse after?

Listen to this one.

• transcript

  259

  [00:00:00] Hey everyone. Welcome back to the second Diet Diaries episode of the year. And I'm super excited to talk about this topic today. Um, it was a really, not, I'm gonna say unexpected, but it's kind of like my big, my big takeaway from 2025. And I didn't set a resolution or a goal and it really has nothing to do with the new year.

  'cause this is something I started realizing probably I would say like. Late fall or late summer into early fall last year that I've been working on for a while. Um, it's something I'll continue to be working on probably for the rest of my life. And here is this realization that I had, I realized that I love shopping I, and that that's not, that's not what I realized.

  There's, there's a second part to this, which I'll just get to that and then I'll kind of like walk it back a little bit. I love shopping. I love. Buying things. I love having new things come and [00:01:00] arrive. I do not like having more things in my closet. I don't like how it makes me feel. So those two things are in some ways at odds with each other, and it sounds so obvious.

  It sounds like, duh, like how could you not realize that? But I really didn't. I really didn't realize it because the act of shopping, the experience of shopping, the process of shopping made me feel so good. That I never put two and two together, that then it would impact the way I felt when I was getting dressed, when I was standing in my closet, when I was looking at my clothes.

  I wanna be clear. I feel like I'm making myself sound like I'm like some type of like compulsive shopper. Like that's not the case at all. And I'm not even like, even remotely on the same level as somebody's stylist or, or content creators that you see who are literally just buying stuff, I guess in some cases.

  'cause it's like their job. Um, you know, I would shop like, I would say like a normal person. Um, maybe Danny would disagree with that. I don't know. Um, but I am, some people hate shopping. I know lots of people who don't shop. I like to shop. I like to [00:02:00] shop online, and I like to shop in person. I will have no problem if there's something that I know that I want, if it's a pair of jeans or a type of jacket or a pair of shoes, or even it's something from my house, a sofa, an accessory, whatever.

  It's. I will have no problem going to the ends of the earth on the internet looking for it. I will spend hours doing it, not at the expense of my job or my responsibilities, but like I'll do it at night or I'll do it like here and there. Like I actually really like doing that. Um, I don't actually shop a ton in person anymore, which is really kind of.

  Sad. Um, but cut back in the day, my mom and I, I mean, man, we could shop. I remember growing up, there'd be a couple days a year where she would, I would, I, she and I would go on like an all day, like, get to them mall at 10, leave at five kind of thing. Uh, it's like making me smile thinking about that. 'cause we haven't done that in a long time because, um, partially 'cause there's just not as much stuff in person anymore.

  It's a very, very different experience to shop in person, you know. Since COVID, um, and obviously since all the shifts and just online business. So I wanted to talk about this because [00:03:00] culturally and because of what we're experiencing on social media and the constant never ending stream of buy this and you will feel better, um, get this makeup, get this sweater, buy these shoes, this jacket, this top, whatever it is.

  It's, you follow however many people you follow, whether it's a lot or a little. And those people are pumping out links to things constantly because that's how they make money. So of course they're gonna do that, but sometimes it's really hard to separate that in the moment. 'cause you see them wearing these things, you see them talking about it over and over and over again, and you're like, maybe I should get that.

  Maybe that would make me happy. Maybe that is the missing piece to my wardrobe. Maybe I would feel better about myself if I had those jeans. And we all know the answer is that we don't, because if we did, we wouldn't probably really need to buy things again. And yes, what we wear and clothes and jewelry and our appearance [00:04:00] absolutely play a role in how we feel about ourselves.

  And I'm certainly not, I'm not doing a noby, I'm not kind of fascinated by the idea of a noby, but I am not, I'm not mentally prepared to explore that yet. Um, there's a writer. Who I've talked about a couple times in social media named Harriet Hadfield. I really like her. She's like a formal former beauty editor.

  She did a year long no by, and it's pretty fascinating. It is absolutely something that I am intrigued by, and here's why. This is a bit of a tangent, but not really. It wasn't to stop buying for the sake of stopping buying, right? It's not the same as like, well, I'm gonna stop eating sugar because I'm afraid of sugar.

  It was stopping buying so that she could really see what she had and she could work with the clothes that she already owned and she could discover what she liked, what she didn't like, what worked, what didn't work, and that when she had the urge to buy something and she, there was that feeling of like.

  Wanting that rush or wanting that newness because it, it, it, um, it gives you relief from some [00:05:00] type of discomfort of what it was like to sit in that and not buy that thing and have to work through kind of that discomfort without just clicking a button to buy something to remove it. Even though ultimately it doesn't remove it because you know, a week later, a month later, you're back looking for something else.

  Right? So she talks about how it totally transformed her wardrobe, her creativity, um, her, how she thinks about clothes, her shopping habits in general, long term. She has since returned to buying things. And part of the reason I wanted to talk about this is because it absolutely ties to food. Right. It's emotional.

  It's like a, it's like the equivalent of emotional eating, right? We eat when we feel some level of discomfort or we eat this thing 'cause we think it's gonna make us feel better. Um, it's gonna take away whatever uncomfortable thing we're feeling. And a lot of times when we shop, we are buying from a place of discomfort, of feeling not good enough, not cute enough, not stylish enough, not small enough, and that thing that [00:06:00] we buy, not pretty enough.

  Not having smooth enough skin or all these things, that thing that we buy, we think a lot in part 'cause of what we're sold. That that thing is going to resolve that feeling of discomfort. And I'm not gonna say it never does, because sometimes it can. But 90% of the time it doesn't. And you only start to know when it does.

  When you start to really scale back is what I've learned. Like yes, there are like those red Adidas track pants and if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll like that. That doesn't really matter. I bought a pair of Adidas track pants last year. Um, I had been seeing them for a while, for many, many months, maybe even longer.

  And I'm like, those are really cute. I really like them. And they're not expensive. They're for like. 40 or 50 bucks, I think me not a lot. Maybe there were 75, I can't remember. Like not a lot of money. Um, I guess it's all relative, but for me, that's not a lot of money to spend on this type of item of clothing.

  But I didn't impulse buy them. I would [00:07:00] look and I'd be like, am I really gonna wear those? They're so cute. And then after many months I'm like, I'm gonna get them. I love these. I think they're so cute. I'm gonna try them. And I bought them in this neutral color and I envisioned in my head all the things I would wear them with.

  They came, I fucking loved them. I wear them all the time. They have become an essential part of my wardrobe. They make me feel like me. They're versatile, they're comfortable. I love them. Just everything about them. And after many months of having them, I'm like, I want another color. And I'm not someone who buys the same item in multiple colors.

  Some people do that. I think that like in some cases it works, but I think in many cases it, it doesn't, and you don't actually wear all the colors of that thing. But I'm like, I really want another color of these. And again, I then I spent months, what color do I want? And ultimately came as a shock, mostly to me.

  I got red 'cause I have not owned an item of red clothing in probably 20 years. I don't like to color red. Um. But as something is shifting, I bought these red pants, they came, I fucking love them again. [00:08:00] So there are certain items of clothing that can make you feel phenomenal. That can fill a gap.

  Absolutely. That can fill both a physical gap where maybe I need, I don't have this type of item in my wardrobe I needed and an emotional need. Right. That did make me feel good. It was exciting to buy them when they came. But it like the excitement hasn't worn off. You know what happens? That feeling of when you buy something and it comes and you're like, you're so excited, right?

  You click and it's coming and you're tracking the shipping, and then it's like, oh, today's the day it's coming, and you see it on your front steps and you're so excited to rip it open. It's like, what's it gonna be? Am I gonna like it? How's it gonna look? That's at least how I feel when packages come and then you try it on and you're either like, oh my God, I love it.

  Or you're like, eh, it's okay. You're like, this sucks. It's going back. To go through that process and to get something that you put on and you instantly love, and then that feeling stays with you. That is rare. That is what I mean, like those instances are few and far between, and I think it's become this thing where it's like [00:09:00] if you buy a ton, then you're likely to have that happen.

  More often, kind of like a a, I guess, like a probability thing. But the reality is, I think the more you buy, the less that happens. Because the more you buy, the more disconnected you are from what you actually want, what feels good, what you like, what your style is. And I only. Really fell in love with those pants.

  It was a long period of which I thought about them. Then I bought the brown topi ones. Then I wore them for a while, loved them. Then I was like, I think I want a second pair. Thought for a couple of months, literally about what color I wanted and bought them and love them. It was a long, it's probably a year long process at least, and that's why I love them so much.

  I didn't see them on an influencer and tap the link and impulse by them the first time I saw them. Guaranteed. If I had done that. I wouldn't be wearing them and not that specific item of clothing, but like, 'cause that has happened to me so many countless times. Countless times where you [00:10:00] impulse by something and yeah, once in a while, of course I'm not gonna speak in total absolutes, but being more thoughtful and slowing down and knowing that there's, there's really not urgency.

  Yes, if there's a sale, I get it. But my rule of thumb for sales is if I wasn't gonna, if I didn't already want this before it went on sale, I'm not buying it now. And if I wouldn't pay full price for it, I'm definitely not buying it. Right. Those two kind of are little versions of each other, but are really good filters for when you are buying stuff on sale.

  Um, and it's like the, the experience of shopping for me feels really good, much in the same way that when you have like a piece of cake or a cookie or ice cream or some type of food that you love, it makes you feel really good. But then it's like, what is, how am I trying to use that experience? What job is it doing?

  Like if I am just unhappy with my body and I am unhappy with my appearance, constantly buying clothes is not gonna make [00:11:00] that go away. Just like eating emotionally or restricting food or doing something to relieve the discomfort of how I feel is also not going to fix it. And it's not even about fixing it.

  It's about learning to like sit in that feeling and not try and flip a switch to make it go away. And so I have gotten really good at noticing that urge, guys. It happens all the time because I still follow all the same people I followed. I haven't unfollowed them because I still enjoy. Following them.

  And honestly, in some ways this might sound kind of crazy, but like it's good practice because this is a skill, it is a skill to notice when you have an urge to want to do something impulsively or to escape an uncomfortable feeling. And when you are shopping or eating in order to do those things, that's a, that's a problem.

  Right? And so I. We'll see influencers and stylists posting things, and I'll be like, wow, it's really cute. It [00:12:00] looks great on her. And then she'll post a link to it and I'll be like, swipe, swipe, swipe. I don't need that. I don't need that. I don't need that. And the reason that has gotten easier for me is because I have had this awareness where I know that it feels good now.

  It feels good in the moment, but when it comes and it's another thing sitting in my closet, it doesn't feel good. It creates more decision fatigue. When you're getting dressed, it takes up more space. And I'm someone who hates clutter. It stresses me out because I feel like I have then. It's like I have too many things to wear and I don't have enough time to wear them all.

  I know that sounds crazy, but if you have like 30 sweaters like. You wouldn't like, maybe you'll wear like some of them like one time or a lot of them one time all winter. And I guarantee you, if you started paying attention, you would see that there's some things that you barely ever wear, maybe never.

  And there's some things you wear all the time and there's a reason for that. And yet we keep buying more and more stuff, even though that behavior already exists. But we don't know it exists because we don't have the ability to see it because we're [00:13:00] so busy buying stuff. 'cause we think that next thing we buy is gonna be the thing that makes everything better.

  And it's not. It's again, like I'm gonna link it back to food. It's like, oh, well, um, you know, if I am having a shitty day, so if I just like have a bunch of cookies, it's gonna make me feel better. And not even knowing that like I have other ways that I can make myself feel better in this woman. Or I can develop skills to be able to like, sit in the discomfort of feeling like shit, aside from eating cookies or that maybe there's like another food that actually makes me feel good, um, because it feels better in my body than eating 10 cookies.

  Um, and so this is something I am like actively practicing, and I, it's a really, it's been a really, really big mental shift for me and I feel like I'm maybe not doing a great job of like, talking about it on this podcast. 'cause I had actually written, I was gonna write about it. I'm like, no, I think this is actually better as a podcast.

  Um, for me, this really comes down to like. [00:14:00] The skill of being able to sit in discomfort. That's really what this is about. And this is something that we work on in coaching and that basically is at the core of what, it's really the core of like what people come to me for and the work that we do, because every behavior that you have around food is driven by some feeling of discomfort about your body, about.

  Your, the way you think about certain foods, about things you've eaten in the past about the way you want to look. And we eat and we talk to ourselves in a way that tries to fix that discomfort, right? It's like when you are uncomfortable with how your body looks and you feel like, I wanna lose weight.

  You go on a diet, right? You start restricting food, you go to the gym, um, you know, when you don't like how your body looks, you buy, you wear baggier clothes, which then kind of just reinforces. How you feel. Um, when you have leftover [00:15:00] cake from the holidays sitting in your house, you either throw it away or you eat it all to get rid of it because you can't tolerate it sitting there, right?

  We are always doing things as a way to fix a feeling of discomfort. And this is not just about food. This is kind of true for all things, like when if you are a parent and you have a kid who's going through something, a big tendency for parents is to want to fix that problem for their kid. Um. You know, and it comes, that comes from a good place.

  I'm not like judging or criticizing that, but we always, we as humans, and I think it's gotten worse over the most recent like generation, we don't want to deal with negative emotions. And this is why people talk about, oh, happiness. Happiness. Like, no. And I've talked about this on a recent podcast, but there's this whole concept of like wholeness.

  Wholeness being happiness. Yes. But also being able to tolerate negative emotions. 'cause guess what? Negative emotions are as normal as feeling happy, and they are a part of being human. And if you can't tolerate urges and negative emotions, it becomes a problem. Right? We start, it drives [00:16:00] behaviors that are maladaptive, that are detrimental to us, that make us feel even worse, that are not productive, that take us away from who we are, that are not in alignment with our values.

  So being able to tolerate discomfort is so, so important. And so the way that I'm doing that, right, because when I see these things I'm like, oh my God, that sweater is super cute, or whatever it is. And I the urge to wanna bite it is there. The urge is not gone away. But because I. Realize and made this connection to what happens on the back end of that, and knowing that that discomfort of having that additional thing in my closet and not wanting it there because it's another thing I feel obligated to wear.

  It's another thing taking up space. It's another thing that makes it harder for me to decide what I wanna wear, how to get dressed. I am able to walk myself through that in the moment when I have the urge to buy something, I literally walk myself through that. I'm like, you're not gonna feel good. You're not gonna want this in your closet on the back end.

  It's gonna make you feel worse. Don't do it. And I don't. So [00:17:00] it's not like the urge has just gone away. The urge is still there, but I have a way to get myself to tolerate the discomfort and to know that I'm gonna feel better in the long run by not buying it. Right? That's the thing. There's this idea of like front loading discomfort.

  I'd rather be uncomfortable now and feel better later. Meaning when I walk into my closet and I fucking love everything in there, and it feels really easy to get dressed versus be comfortable now by buying the thing and then feel uncomfortable later on when I'm standing in my closet and I'm like, oh my God, I've got too much shit and I don't know what to do.

  Right. So anytime that you put discomfort up ahead, prioritize experiencing it now, that almost always is gonna give you a better outcome and take you closer to where you wanna go, and keep you much more in alignment in your values than delaying that discomfort till later on and prioritizing what feels good in the moment.

  That is a pretty good rule of thumb for. Life. Um, and if you play that out in your head, you start to pay attention, you will notice that is a pattern. And so developing the skills of tolerating [00:18:00] discomfort, and for me, I just walked you through like, it's literally me talking, having a conversation with myself and remembering, well, I'm, this is not gonna feel good in the end.

  Don't do it because you know you're not gonna wanna have it. You have so much evidence of that. And so it's been really kind of like revelatory and really cool and has felt really good, but it's also felt kind of like. It's kind of sad in some ways for me because like, again, I still like to shop and I still am shopping, um, but I'm being much more thoughtful about it.

  I'm buying a lot less. I am waiting a long time between when I get the first urge to want something and actually following through on. Could be months in some cases. Um, and I, and as a result, when those things do come, I love them so much more and not a hundred percent of the time. I guess I talked about like those Rudy pants, which I had actually wanted for a very long time.

  I mean, I had been hearing about those for a year. Um, but [00:19:00] all, I would say like 95% of the stuff I've bought recently I really, really love. And if I didn't love it, I for the most part returned it except for those pants, which. Was because I'm human, right? And I'm always learning. Um, but recognizing the urge.

  Kind of calling yourself out on it and noticing that it's normal and starting to develop skills to start to tolerate it. And knowing how am I gonna feel if I do this thing that I have the urge to do, and how am I gonna feel if I don't do it? And sort of walking yourself through that. And you can use timers, you can, um, come up with list of things to do.

  You can say, I don't have to make a decision right now. I kind of love that one. Like whether it's about food or clothes or something else. It's like, you want something? Okay. I'm not gonna say yes or no to that thing. I'm gonna wait five minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, a day, a week. Right. Depending on what it is.

  And then make a decision. That can also be a really helpful technique. Um, so I just wanted to share this because it, it's, I [00:20:00] mean, so central to the work that we do, um, and. It's just something that's been, I think, a long time coming for me and that I have mixed feelings about. I'm excited that I've uncovered this and realized it and that I am following through on it most of the time.

  But again, there's also parts of it where there's like sadness, um. Yeah, because there is something super fun about just like, ooh, a little impulse buy here, an impulse buy there. Um, and then obviously there's like the whole financial component to shopping, of course, which I didn't really get into. Um, but I think that's kinda everything I wanted to say here.

  Um, if this is something that you struggle with, it might not be totally obvious in terms of like what I'm about to say, but if this is something that you struggle with around clothing, around food, especially, um. This is what we do in coaching. Again, I said this a little while ago. This is kind of almost like the core, like the very essence of what we do in coaching is learning how to notice urges, identify triggers, and learn how to sit in the discomfort with them and slowly turn the volume [00:21:00] down, build up the capacity to tolerate that, because that is what moves you.

  That's what gets you where you wanna go. That's how, that's how you lose weight without. Cutting out food without restricting, without following rules. That's how you start to develop more of an acceptance of the body that you're in. That's how you start to wear clothes that you love. That's how you start to find your style.

  That's how you start to, um, feel good about your appearance. It is all comes down to this, and so we work through this in my one-on-one coaching framework. It's kind of central to everything that we do. So if this is something you're struggling with, I'm the person to help you with it. Um, it's kind of my, my, my, um.

  My super strength. So thanks for being here. I'll be back next week of course. And, um, thank you for listening.