episode 229: let’s talk about gaining weight
In this episode, I unpack a question someone asked me on Instagram—Do you struggle with weight gain?—and explore the nuanced, layered truth behind it after my answer on IG only glazed the surface.
We’re talking about why weight gain isn’t always a bad thing but why it often feels bad, how biology, stress, life phases (hello, menopause), and old food patterns all play a role, and how to sit with the emotional and physical discomfort that weight gain often brings.
You’ll hear:
When weight gain might actually be a good sign
What curiosity (instead of panic) can teach you
Why menopause weight changes are biologically normal AND also still hard
How to find self-compassion when your jeans feel tight
If weight gain feels like a constant battle or brings up panic, this is for you. Can we start asking different questions and stop labeling everything as a problem to be fixed? Let's talk about it.
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2025-05-19 10-56-42
[00:00:00] Hey everyone, welcome back. Always checking that my microphone is not on mute after I recorded an entire episode on mute a couple of weeks ago. Um, so today's episode is gonna air on Memorial Day, uh, in the United States. If you are here, you are probably off work, but maybe not. Um, and so what I wanted to talk about today.
Was, uh, something that came up on Instagram stories. I finally, after wanting to do for so long, I finally did an a MA and asked me anything, which was so much fun. And if you're listening and you asked a question or even if you didn't ask a question, thanks for reading. Thanks for, uh, following along on Instagram.
Um, and someone asked if I struggled with weight gain, and I responded and I responded with something that was truthful. And yet that question stuck in my head and I kept thinking about it and I'm like. My response was such a small part of, um, kind of my own [00:01:00] truth and the truth of what one, what many women deal with.
And also of how we think about weight gain in general, right? Um, the very question of do you struggle with weight gain, right? Immediately implies that weight gain is bad, right? If there's a struggle, struggle is implying that whatever we're dealing with is usually not what we want. That there's a, some type of a problem there.
And this is not me. Like placing blame or calling anyone out or anything like that, right? This is a systemic cultural thing that we deal with where weight gain is perceived and we have been taught to believe that it is bad and problematic. And so the first thing I wanted to talk about was that, right?
And this isn't to like sit here and like try and change the way that you necessarily think about things, but rather to create a space to kind of start questioning, calling and to question the way we think about things. Um, and because the truth is, is that sometimes weight [00:02:00] gain can be a problem and sometimes weight gain is not a problem.
Just like on the flip, flip, flip side, sometimes weight loss can be a problem and sometimes weight loss cannot be a problem. Neither one is black and white. Neither one is all good, neither one is all bad. There were so much context and so much nuance, and that is really what I was thinking about, right? So my answer to that question, just to share it here.
Um, talked about that when I do not, um, use the skills, all the skills that I talk about here, when I am not practicing them consistently, I will gain weight and it happens very quickly for me. My body gains weight. I. What feels like almost instantaneously, it has always been that way. Um, that's in my DNA, right?
That is how my body is. Um, just like there are some people who can have, can eat lots and lots of food and sweetss and more calorie dense foods, and it seems like they never gain weight. Like a lot of that is in our DNA. Just like some people are told, some people are short and some people have blonde hair and some people have black hair and [00:03:00] some people have blue eyes, and some people have hazel eyes.
These things are in our DNA right? And our physical traits. Um, and what we look like are not the only things that are in our DNA. There's a lot of other stuff about how our bodies function and the way how some of that function then shows up on the outside. Is in our DNA, right? That's not to say that it becomes easy to accept that, um, but just kind of a little bit of a sidebar.
And so I talked about that when I don't consistently practice my skills, I'll gain weight. And I talked about this in my, uh, my Monday letter maybe a month or six weeks ago, about how I had really just stopped. Making lunch and was just basically eating snacks all the time. And then those snacks were leading to eating a lot of sweets and just really putting in no effort, no energy, no time, no attention into kind of what I was eating in the middle of the day.
Breakfast was pretty good. Dinner was pretty good, but between like 10 and like six. Not great and I could feel a difference in my clothes after a couple weeks. [00:04:00] Um, and so I talked about that. Um, but gaining weight is certainly not just as simple as, because you're not practicing your skills. Right. That is, um, that's something that I have learned and I've gotten to a place after many, many years, um, because.
The truth is, I have struggled with weight gain since I have been, um, a teenager since I've been 15, 16 years old. And when I talk about struggling, when I use that word again, um, it's because my body again, gains weight very easily. And that is not something that I had acceptance around, right? It's something that I have acceptance around now.
And when I noticed myself gaining weight, um, you know, like six, eight weeks ago, whatever it was where I talked about it. I didn't freak out. I wasn't like, oh my God, I have to cut out carbs. I wasn't like, oh my God, I have to go on a diet. I was like, I know why this is happening. I'm not really paying attention to what I'm eating, and this is how my body responds and I know that about my body.
Um, and so the struggle is a lot more with like [00:05:00] the emotional feeling around what gain is and what it represents, and that again, weight gain is not always a bad thing or a problem, right. And I've talked, I've done, I did another podcast episode about this a long time ago. It could have been two years ago at this point, where I had gone through a period where I had gained some weight and I talked about it in a really positive light.
Right? So here's the thing. Lemme let me throw out an example for you. If you are someone who has been like really restricting food for a long time, right? Kind of on and off. And when I say restricting food, I mean kind of being in like a binge restrict cycle where you'll be like really good during the week and then the weekends it's just like, oh my God, I can't take this anymore.
Fuck it. Or not even a fuck it, it just kind of happens in the moment, and then you're like, oh my God, you feel so terrible. And you're like, oh my God, Monday, I've gotta be, I gotta be clean, I gotta be good. I can't let this happen again. Right. That's a, that's a restriction. Um, and when you have done that for a long time, right?
Maybe for some folks that has led to you losing some weight over time, but you're not eating in a way that's sustainable long term, right? Because you know that you're. [00:06:00] Kind of unhappy and you're putting so much work and so much energy into doing this and it feels like you're trying so hard and yet you, at the same time, you also feel like, what the fuck?
Why am I also miserable? This kind of sucks. Um, when someone makes a choice to kind of do some work to move out of that. Right. Um. Sometimes there can be a period of gaining some weight, which is normal, right? Um, for a lot of different reasons. And that type of weight gain while might also be hard to accept at the same time, is also part of a process of feeling more at ease around food, right?
Maybe your body weight is really below what's maintainable for you from a mental health standpoint. And so gaining some weight gets you to a place where you don't have to constantly think about every morsel of food that you're putting in your mouth. Your 16 waking hours every day, seven days a week, right?
Because that's making you emotionally and mentally miserable. So eating a little bit more food and therefore maybe [00:07:00] gaining some weight is going to put you in a place where it's actually sustainable and you actually enjoy food again, right? That is a real upside to gaining weight. Um, you know. Anyone who has been through a clinical eating disorder, right?
Which is not what I work with, just to be clear again, but women who have been through that often will go through a period of gaining weight, right. And that gaining weight can be a good thing. And that's why when we see people and we make comments about what they look like, we never know what's going on with them.
Right. Um. It doesn't mean just because when someone gains weight in a situation like that and, and put the clinical eating disorder thing aside, but go back to like someone who's been restricting and then finally realizes, right, okay, I can't, I can't do this anymore. And, you know, decides to start doing some work around food.
Um. Getting to a body weight that becomes sustainable in terms of like your food intake. Doesn't mean it's easy, right? Doesn't mean it's like, yay, I gained weight. I'm so happy, right? Because we are ingrained from the moment we're born to see weight gain is bad, [00:08:00] but there are many situations in which weight gain happens and it's.
Needed and normal. Right? That is one of them. Another one that happens, which a couple of women messaged me about and people were like, can you do a podcast? And an email about this, um, was around menopause. Right? And weight gain during menopause for a lot of women is biologically, biologically determined and biologically inevitable, not unlike what happens when we go through puberty, right?
Menopause is a biological process just like puberty, except puberty is kind of seen as like. You know, idealized because you get boobs and your body changes shape and you become like quote unquote like a woman. Um, and it's kind of idealized, whereas menopause is just as normal of a biological process, but it's demonized.
I. Um, you know, going through puberty, a girl sometimes like her body will change shape and sometimes, um, her waist will, a waist will become more defined and she might get more curves around like her butt and hips. [00:09:00] Um, and that is a lot in part due to the female hormones that we have and where fat deposits go.
And that's also the reason why when we go through menopause and those hormones shift and we have different balances of hormones and our fat deposits change, right? Where we store fat is connected to the hormones that are in our body. And they are female hormones that, um, uh, males do not have or have like in like, like women have testosterone.
Um. Um, that men might have, but like in teeny, teeny, tiny amounts. And to be honest, I'm not even sure if men have estrogen and progesterone. I'm not really sure. I think they do, but very, very small amounts. Um, but all this to say, right, that women. Many women gain weight during menopause and they say everything I hear from women who have gone through or Perry or are in menopause are like, it felt like it happened overnight and I don't recognize my body.
I haven't changed anything, and yet suddenly I have fat around my stomach. My clothes don't fit, and I just look and feel totally different. And it's hard because it feels totally out of your control. And at the same time, it's [00:10:00] biologically normal, which me saying that is not me saying, oh, you should just like deal with it because it's normal.
No, that's not it at all. But what I'm trying to do is talk about weight gain in a little bit more like objective of a way, um, so that we can start to see that weight gain. A is not always bad. Um, is B is not always a problem, um, and is not always something that needs to be. It's really never, not really, it is never something that should be demonized because there's always a reason behind it.
Um, but there are many situations, contacts, parts of our lives where waking is normal. And menopause is one of them. Again, I'm not saying that makes it easy to accept, um, but it is biologically a normal part of the process, and so how can we use that information to help us move through that, right? We're pushing, we're pushing back.
We're pushing back. We're so unhappy about something that's [00:11:00] in part of, part of being a human. Which is a struggle, right? 'cause it's like we don't want it to be part of being a human because we've been told by gaining weight is bad. And everything now is like, menopause is like this huge problem, right?
That needs to be fixed, right? And take this supplement and do this workout, and go on this walk and wear this weighted vest and do all this stuff and it'll fix everything. And for some women it can have an impact on weight and body composition and for some women it doesn't. And I am not there yet. I'm not in perimenopause yet.
Um, but I'm pretty much gonna bet that I'm gonna be one of those women that that's of probably doesn't make a big impact for, if I had to guess what we will see. Um, just like some women get really bad hot flashes and some women don't. Right. Some women deal with like a dry vagina and some women don't.
Some women deal with weight gain, some women don't. Right? There are many different symptoms and there are side effects of menopause, and some women have them and some women don't. Why? Genetics. Right. Anyway, I'm going off on a [00:12:00] bit of a tangent here, but what I'm trying to really say and talk about is to really consider why if you are someone who kind of identifies.
As someone who struggles with weight gain or has struggled with weight gain, where is that coming from? What are the situations in which you have gained weight, and are you clear on why that's happened? Right. Another big thing, right? We look at like life stressors, right? A lot of people, again, this depends here, some people will gain weight during life stress and some people will lose weight, and that is largely because of what happens to your appetite and the way you respond to cravings.
Again, there's a lot of biology that plays a role here. A lot of biology. It's not about willpower. It's not about some people like white knuckling it better than others. A lot of it is about how biology drive is, um, controls our, our hunger hormones, our drive to eat the role like of where our dopamine levels are at.
Like, there's a lot at play here. Um, but gaining weight during a stressful time is also normal, right? Food is a coping mechanism. [00:13:00] We don't want it to be our only coping mechanism, right? We want other ways to cope, but it is a coping mechanism and sometimes it will be a coping, coping mechanism, and that will result in weight gain.
And we really demonize that and we look at that as a huge problem. But that food is serving a purpose. It's providing support, it's providing comfort, it's providing protection, it's providing safety, right? And we are going through stress. Our nervous system is seeking safety. This is, this is like primal human evolution.
Your nervous system doesn't really care whether or not you're gaining weight. It wants you to feel safe, and if food makes you feel safe, you are gonna have a drive to eat. Um, and so weight gain might happen as a byproduct of that. And yet we rip ourselves apart, right? Because, oh my God, I had a really traumatic death in my family, or I lost my job, or I'm moving across the country.
Or all these like, and even smaller life changes in that, right? That can cause stress. Can impact the way we are using food and what [00:14:00] if, the way we usually look at it is again, this is a problem. Why am I doing this? Like I'm outta control looking at it and trying to understand why this is happening and saying, oh, this makes sense.
I've gone through a really hard time and food is helping me get through that. Food is helping me like get through each day right now. And is that a bad thing? I mean, I, I don't know. I don't think so. Um, is that the only coping mechanism you wanna have for the rest of your life? Again, no. Can it be an acute coping mechanism to help you get through a really tough time?
Yes. Um, you know, and again, like people, you know, there's, then there'll be the pushback around like, well, you know, gaining weight is, you know, bad for your health. Right? Which is such this broad, like, generic statement. And I will tell you, it is not that simple because I have worked with many clients who have been in bigger bodies.
Whose cholesterol, blood pressure, um, insulin sensitivity, uh, fasting glucose levels are all within normal range. And I've had clients who are [00:15:00] in small bodies whose, you know, BMI would be considered normal or potentially even underweight, whose biomarkers are not in normal range, right? It is not that simple.
And so. When we gain weight, sometimes we will often feel different in our bodies, right? Because if you gain weight, like let's say in your belly, as you bend over, you're going to feel your belly in a different way, and that can bring up a lot of discomfort. Totally get it. I'm there too. When I gain weight, I can feel it in my stomach.
My pants feel different, and I'm like, oh my God, I can like physically feel this. And there's a discomfort with that, and there's an urge to fix it and escape it, but it's like, okay. Why am I feeling this way? What have I been doing, excuse me, differently over the last few weeks or months, or even a year that has gotten me here, and why has that happened?
Right? Getting curious as to why this weight gain has happened, what role has food played in my life? That is a very different way to approach things than simply looking at weight gain as being bad, as being out of control, as having no, no, no [00:16:00] motivation as being lazy. And labeling weight gain as a whole, as a problem, when very often weight gain happens as a byproduct of, uh, some biological changes like menopause, um, stress changes, um, which you, you're gaining weight.
Anytime you gain weight, it's because you're eating more calories and your body is using in a day. Right? And I know it may not feel like you're eating more food if you're in menopause, and that may be true, but there's something internally that has changed, that has changed your metabolic rate, and there's a shift in the hormones, which is impacting where fat is stored, right?
So maybe you haven't gained weight, but where the fat has stored has shifted, and so it feels like you have gained extra pounds when there's really, there's just a shift, right? Again, there's a lot of nuance to this, but. It really getting curious, well, why have I gained weight instead of attacking yourself and punishing yourself and labeling yourself as bad as a problem?
And as all the things I listed off, you know, 60 seconds ago asking myself, well, why has this [00:17:00] happened? What have I been doing? What's been going on in my life that has changed either my eating patterns, um, or other patterns? Right? If you're sleeping less, that can impact. Appetite, um, stress levels. There's all these factors, but I've been thinking so much about this lately, and this is really like a bigger, a bigger topic that we can apply to so many situations, and I'm applying it here, is using curiosity as a way to start to access a little bit more self-compassion and instead of jumping to conclusions and labeling based on.
You know, or even noticing if you're jumping to conclusions and labeling, then responding to that and saying, okay, hold on a second. Is that really helpful right now? And then asking myself a question, why has this happened over what period of time has this happened? What have I been eating lately? How has it been feeling?
What have I. What have I been doing? What have I not been doing right? Have I been eating meals or am I just eating snacks all day? Right? Um, looking at major life events that have happened, um, and the way that it's impacted what I've been eating. And again, it doesn't necessarily, it's not [00:18:00] all of a sudden gonna make you be like, oh, yay.
Like, okay, I get it. I know I gained weight and I just feel okay with it now. No, it's not that simple. But then it allows you to come at it from a place of a little bit more kindness, a little bit more self-compassion, and if there is something that needs to change. We're looking at it as a place of support rather than fixing a problem.
And that's a really big shift. And then that's going to allow you to stay consistent with that change over a longer period of time. Versus when I'm trying to fix something, there's. Urgency, there's panic, there's, I have to do this perfectly. I have to do this right, I have to fix this. Whereas if I'm responding to a situation in my life that I know has been going on and I can see what has been the cause of this weight gain, and there's something that I want to choose to do differently, it's a totally different way in with a lot more clarity, a lot more understanding, a lot more room for to kind of explore, um, versus a fix it mindset.
Um, [00:19:00] so. Again, right? Like if you, A lot of women that responded to when we were talking on stories are women who are in perimenopause or in menopause, right? And being like, this fucking sucks. I'm not, I don't recognize my body. This is not familiar. I don't get it. I haven't changed anything. I'm working out.
I feel like I'm not eating that much. I'm eating really healthy. Yes. All those things make sense, right? You are. You are doing all the things, and yet there's something happening within your body biologically that's beyond your control. It is beyond your control and it's also normal. And just because it's normal again, doesn't make it easy to accept.
Um, but it is a starting point, right? Because there's only at a certain point, right? There's only so much you can do depending on the situation. Right? Now, if you're someone like me who recognized I was gaining weight at this, in this particular, you know, point in time because I was not putting in effort to have meals, I was eating snacks all day, right?
That's something that I can look at and I can work on. Um. If you are going through a really stressful time of your life, you're in that moment. There might not be anything you can do in that moment, right? You might need to get a little bit [00:20:00] more through that situation. It's gonna depend, right? This is not black and white.
There might be some changes you can make. There might not be some changes you can make. Um, but again, this is a really about starting to look at weight gain, not as something that is inherently bad or problematic, that it's a shift in something physical. In our bodies sometimes due to what we are eating, how we are eating, why we are eating, sometimes due to biological changes, sometimes due to situational changes, which will then impact the food part of things.
And looking at it from a place of curiosity, um, asking yourself, why has this happened? What have I been doing? Um, what are some of the changes I've made? What's in my control, what's out of my control? And. Seeing what that brings up for you versus saying, oh my God, I've gained weight. I have to fix this because you feel so uncomfortable with it.
And I get that this is a way to respond to some of that discomfort, [00:21:00] um, because that that fix it, which. Feels good in the moment, right? Is not usually going to help us kind of long term. And in some situations we can't, there, there isn't like a fix, right? So then, well then what do you do? Then you're just like, feel really, really trapped.
'cause you don't feel like there's anything that can fix it and you've gained weight and it's just feels, you just don't feel good. Um, so. I'm not even sure if this is everything I wanted to cover. I actually didn't make notes before this episode. I just want kind of wanted to come on and talk and I, I feel like there's things that I'm forgetting that I wanted to say.
Um, but again, I'm gonna repeat myself again for maybe the third time coming at this from curiosity rather than accusations or responding to those accusations, responding to the problematization, responding to the panic and the urgency with curiosity. Um, might feel uncomfortable. It's gonna feel hard. And also if we want there to be a [00:22:00] change and you want to stop living your life or not be in a place where gaining weight feels like the worst thing that could happen in your life, which for a lot of people it does.
And I understand why this is how you start. That right there is no, as much as we want there to be some diet, some supplements, some workout, some something that's gonna make it better, um. Yeah, there, there isn't. And, um, it, it comes from reflecting, getting curious so that then you can look at, well, what can I do and what can I do that is in alignment with how I wanna take care of myself?
That it's not about punishing myself. That's not about, again, urgency fixing things. Um, and knowing that. When we are gaining weight, there's a reason that that's happening. And again, very often it's coming from a place of protection, from safety and comfort and what is going on that's making me feel like I need that protection, safety, and comfort.[00:23:00]
And are there other ways that I can get protection, safety, and comfort in my life? Right? These are some of the questions that need to be asked. Thank you for listening. Um, I know this has a bit of like a headier kind of deeper one today. I hope it was helpful and um, always happy to chat. Send me a dm, an email, and um, more soon.Description text goes here