episode 186: my current relationship with food, my body and how i look
It’s my 44th birthday!
And I’ve got a cold. But it meant a lot to record an episode on my birthday sharing where I’m at in terms of my relationship with food, my body and how I look, so here I am.
I’m getting candid about birthdays, body image, and the constant fight to stay true to ourselves in a world that's always trying to tell us otherwise. This episode is all about the raw, unfiltered truth of aging and self-love.
What does it really mean to embrace your age?
How do you handle the relentless societal pressure to look younger?
Can you ever fully "fix" body image issues?
Why is staying true to yourself so crucial in a world obsessed with appearances?
What’s the difference between caring about your appearance and being true to your values?
Tune in for some honest reflections and maybe a few surprises. Thanks for being here and for listening.
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2024-07-09 09-20-36
[00:00:00] Hello, everyone. I'd like to let you know that I just recorded the first five minutes of a podcast while my microphone was on mute. Luckily, it was only five minutes. I look down as I usually do. I look down to make sure the light is not blinking because that means it's muted and oh, it was blinking. Um, it's kind of fitting.
Um, I have a cold and I'm definitely tired. My brain is not fully functioning, but I really wanted to record this episode today because today, July 9th, when I'm recording this is my 44th birthday. You'll be listening to this. Well, whenever you listen to it, but it'll go get Published on Monday, July 15th, and I really wanted to do like a birthday episode.
It's my birthday And so the fact that I am sick and not feeling great. It's like, you know what? I'm gonna show up I'm gonna do the best I can I'm probably not gonna sound totally coherent. I'm probably gonna have gaps between thoughts I'm probably not gonna string together things [00:01:00] as well as I might normally and you know, what whatever sometimes not sometimes good enough is good enough You And we show up and we do what we can and we keep moving forward.
Um, and it was important to me to do this today. Um, and, you know, just kind of what I wanted to share is, right, I'm 44, which is crazy, because in my head I'm like, I think like 30. you know, late 20s, 30. Um, when I was a kid, 44 seemed like so old. And now I'm like, wow, like 44, like I don't feel 44. I don't even know what that means.
What does it mean to feel 44? Um, I just think of myself as being much younger, which I like, like that makes me feel good because it's like, well, what does that 44 mean? Right? The cliche like age is just a number. Like what does it really mean? Um, and what's kind of interesting about that to me is also that after spending so much time.
A good 20 years of my life with a [00:02:00] severely disordered relationship with food and a really destructive relationship with my body in terms of my body image and exercise, I am in the best place I have ever been with all of that. And not because I have lost a ton of weight or because I look any different, but because I have done so much work.
And I continue to do that work because here's the thing, like I can sit here and tell you that like, I have the best relationship with food I've ever had and I have the best relationship with my body that I've ever had. And that also means that I should say it this way. That doesn't mean that the old thoughts don't come because they do.
And they come often, often as subjective. Um, Some weeks are different than others. Um, the food stuff, quite honestly, probably comes more often than the body stuff. Um, [00:03:00] but what's different is how quickly I am able to respond and move past it. And that, you know, 7, 8, 10 years ago, those thoughts would come and I would immediately spiral, lose my shit, start another diet, go hardcore, all of that, only to get stuck in like that, you know, that all or nothing trap again.
Whereas now the thought comes, I immediately respond and it kind of like settles and quiets down. And then it might come back and I do the same thing. And I keep doing that over and over again. And I share that because That's what progress looks like, right? That is, it doesn't look like never thinking about this stuff again.
It doesn't look like loving everything about your body. It doesn't look like never having stressful thoughts about food or about what you ate. It looks like having those thoughts [00:04:00] and knowing exactly how to respond to Being able to do it quickly with minimal effort and then getting the volume to go way down on those thoughts and that's what happens.
And so I just think it's so important to talk about that because I think there's a lot of so much misleading stuff out there that makes it seem like this is a problem that gets fixed and then it goes away. Or that you do something, in a lot of cases people think like weight loss is that answer, right?
You lose the weight and then you do that. And Things are perfect. And this work that I've done is not a result of weight loss or changing what my body looks like. In fact, um, you know, I've obviously gained and lost a lot of weight over the years. My body pretty much looks the same as it always has.
Because of my height and just because of the way my body is, as I gain and lose weight, like yes, you can see it, but it's not these huge drastic visible swings. I've never been like extremely extremely thin. Um, and I've never, [00:05:00] you know, struggled with, you know, really like clinical obesity. Um, you know, I've, my weight swings have been in like the, you know, 10 to 20, 25 pound range.
Um, and it's definitely affected clothing sizes and all that. But all this to say that like, where I've carried my weight and my belly has always been the same. Um, and it's, there haven't been any drastic changes. to my appearance. So it's not this external thing that has driven this work. It's an in, it's internal progress.
And I just think that there's such this misconception that like, um, that when you lose weight or when you change your appearance in some way that like, then you will feel better. And not to say that those things can't have an impact depending on like your history and your background and so on. what your quote unquote like starting point is, like where you're coming from.
[00:06:00] Um, but it is not everything, right? It's only a small part. Like the skills and the internal work are a massive, massive part of it. And I feel like I'm kind of digressing as I, as I knew that I would, just given that my brain's not fully functioning. But you know, there was a very long portion of my life where I just thought like this is it.
This is just what it's gonna be and this is how it is and this is normal and it's not normal and this is not how it has to be. And so I really never thought at 44 I'd be able to like look at myself in the mirror and see the body that I see and feel okay with it and like how it looks. Um, Liking how I look in clothes happens a lot, liking how I look naked happens a lot less often.
There's definitely a big difference between those two things. Um, but when I see myself naked in the mirror, I'm able to, again, respond. And I used to do a thing where when I would get in the shower, I would avoid looking at [00:07:00] myself in the mirror. And sometimes that still happens, right? I'm totally honest with you.
Um, but it happens less and less. And And sometimes I really, I'm going to force is not a good word, but I challenge myself to pause and to look at my naked body in the mirror and to just like have a moment and just sit and see and notice and be. And that helps, right? That helps a lot. Avoiding things doesn't help.
So all this to say, like, there's ongoing work, there's no box that gets checked, no matter what you do, if, if you are someone who has lost a lot of weight or wants to lose weight, or has done, you know, made changes to your appearance, and what all the different ways that we're able to do that, right?
Nothing. Like checks every box, there's still work that has to be done because if you're not doing that work, then those outward [00:08:00] changes becomes a very slippery slope of all the things that you can do to just constantly be changing your appearance, right? This brings me into a little bit of a conversation.
around like Botox and injections and all of this stuff and laser treatments and all the things that are available out there. I have not done any of that. Um, looking at my forehead, certainly there is a huge opportunity for Botox. I have a lot of, you know, deep lines on my forehead and I see them and they don't really bother me.
And I have this, like, when I think about, and I have not ever even considered doing Botox. Um, and I don't say that that's not a negative thing towards people who do or who have, I'm just sharing my own personal experience. Again, whenever I talk about this stuff, I always openly say I had a nose job when I was 16.
Right. I've had major plastic surgery. Which also gives me the experience to talk about the fact that like it doesn't fix everything, right? Do I like how my nose looks better [00:09:00] after I had the nose job? Yes, I do. But does that mean that I love everything about my appearance? Does that mean I love how my nose looks?
No, I don't. Like I still look at my nose and see things that I don't love about it, right? So all that to say that you can make changes in your life. and still not be happy and still not like it because we're constantly comparing and idealizing based on the images that we grew up with and that we continue to see.
And so we're always comparing ourselves to some standard, forgetting the fact that it's completely normal and we're supposed to all look different and have different sized cheeks. and shaped bodies and noses and legs and tushes and bellies and boobs and all of the things. We're not all supposed to look the same.
Um, yet that's what we're striving for. And every time we have plastic surgery or get injections or, um, in some cases, right, if it's like more vanity appearance focused weight loss, we're trying to look the same as something [00:10:00] or someone out. And it's so hard. It's so hard to not want to do that. Like I get it, right?
I think these conversations get really nuanced and really tricky because you start to say, well, what's the difference between wearing makeup, which I love to do and getting Botox, right? You're changing your appearance in some way, obviously one is far more invasive than the other one is. There are differences in cost and maintenance and permanence.
Um, so there's, you know, there's a spectrum of changes. There's that we can make to ourselves and we all have to figure out what is right for us and what isn't right for us and the way that I, the way that I personally do that and the way that I coach people to do that is to get really clear on what your values are and make decisions in alignment with your values.
because that's the only way that it's ever going to take you down a path that feels good. Um, when you're not, when you don't have clarity around that, or you are acting in, or you have clarity, but you're acting in misalignment, you're, it's, you're never going to be like, [00:11:00] satiated, right? You are always going to be searching and doing and looking for the next thing to make you happy.
Um, you know, I just kind of like going back to what I was talking about a couple minutes ago. there's as just in terms of like the birthday thing, right? And thinking about Botox and all these skin treatments, right? There's so much pressure to look young, right? That's what it's all about. Get rid of the lines, get rid of the age spots, get rid of like this, the sagging skin and all of these, all of these things that happen as a very normal process of aging, right?
Aging is like a bad word. And it's so, it doesn't make any sense because if you don't age, you die, right? So it's like, We don't want, no one wants to die, right? We're all going to die, but no one wants to die young. I don't mean for this to sound morbid or depressing or anything, but right? We all want to live like long, healthy lives with a wonderful quality of life.
But at the same time, we want to do it looking like we're 25. It just doesn't make sense, right? That's not, that is [00:12:00] a completely false narrative and an expectation that is, cannot be met, that has been sold to us, right? Okay. And when you really think about it, like that's what's going on, right? We have been sold this story for companies to make money.
So that we can age, and be healthy, and live long, but do it while looking like we haven't aged, like we haven't experienced life, like we haven't had babies, or had surgeries, or gone through tremendous stress, or gained and lost weight as people, you know, most people normally do over the course of their life.
Um, And it's just, it sucks, right? Like the pressure that there is to look a certain way. And it just really makes me wonder, like, are we helping ourselves or are we harming ourselves? Right? Are we lying to ourselves by trying to make ourselves look like we're 25 when we're actually 44? Like, there's like a real like cognitive [00:13:00] dissonance there.
Um, it's, it's hard to wrap your brain around. Um, And I think for me, like, that's why, that is really the essence of why I have not been interested in doing, like, Botox or anything to really take away. the visual representation of my age. Because I would look, even though I said like I feel 30, I don't feel the need to look 30.
I feel like looking younger is almost like a betrayal in a way to who I am and the life that I've lived and what I've done and that I am in denial. of what's happening. I don't know. I feel like I'm getting really philosophical and just like rambling. But that's kind of like what this episode was going to be.
And I'm just sort of sharing my thoughts on stuff that I think is really hard. And you know, I see people I follow and influencers and social media constantly. [00:14:00] My explorer feed on Instagram is all these before and afters of like injections and whatnot. Sometimes I'll click on them, right? Because I'm curious.
And I'm like, sometimes I'm like, wow. I can really see the difference. Sometimes I'm like, wow, she looks like a different person. That freaks me out. That like, I saw one the other day where it was like a woman, you know, her quote before, and then like a year or maybe even a couple years later after like, and all the injections and whatever she's had, and her face literally looks totally different.
She looks like a different person. And, um, By, by the insane beauty standards, right, someone would say, oh, she looks better, but she doesn't look like herself. So it's like, who are you? Like you're literally changing your entire appearance to look like a different person to keep up with an expectation that has been placed on us, right?
It is normal to have lines, it is normal to have age spots, it is normal to have stretch marks and cellulite, it is normal to have a belly and big thighs and a tush and saggy boobs. It is normal to have all [00:15:00] these things. It's as normal as grass is green and the sky is blue, but we have been told that it is not.
We have been told that it's a problem. And that just doesn't sit right with me. And for me, like, it feels like a giving in. It feels like, okay, I'm just going to do what they want me to do so that I can feel better about myself. And I don't want to do that. I'm not saying I will never get Botox. I don't know.
I can't predict the future. If you had to ask me right now, I would say no. Could that change? Of course, it could change. But right now, this is just how I feel, right? And so at 44, you know, I feel like there's lots of women that I know, that I follow, that I know personally, who've been getting Botox for years, and that's fine.
Again, I had a nose job at 16, right? Like, I wear makeup, I do my hair, I color my hair, I highlight my hair, um, I pay a lot of money to get my eyebrows tweezed and tinted every six weeks. Look, I do things. I care about my appearance. We all do. That is normal. But there's a difference between caring about your [00:16:00] appearance and trying to make yourself look different than, I'm not going to say the person that you are, but try to defy The reality of being a human in some ways, and that sounds judgmental, and I don't mean it to be judgmental because we are all under the same pressure, and I know how hard it is, right?
I spent 20 years of my life trying to lose weight and look a certain way, like Jennifer Aniston. I've, I've shared that before, right? So I get it, and it's taken so much internal work to get to this place, and I just wanted to talk about it. It's my podcast. I get to talk about what I want. Um, and also because if you're struggling with this or if you're feeling pressure, like you don't want to do these things but you feel like you have to, I think it's important to know that like there are places and spaces out there.
to have these conversations to know that you're not alone in working through those conflicts and trying to figure out what is right for you and what is going to feel good. Um, there's a stylist that I follow who I love. Her name is Connie [00:17:00] Jesperson. Her handle is Art in the Find, and I love following her.
She's around my age. Um, she openly talks about her choice not to get injections, and she also doesn't use the word flattering, which I love. It's very hard to find a stylist who does not use that word, and I find that word to be Very controversial. I talked about it in last week's podcast with Lauren. Um, because flattering is all about making yourself look smaller and thinner to fit the ideal standards.
Um, and so I just wanted to share one resource with you, um, someone who I really enjoy following, um, because of how she talks about clothing, how she talks about bodies, how she talks about her skin and her face and all of that. Um, you know, and at the same time, I love wearing makeup and I love putting on makeup and I love getting facials and doing all those things, right?
So you might say, Oh, that's so hypocritical. I don't know. I don't think that it is because I think I'm really clear on why I'm doing those things and I never sit here and tell you that I don't care about my appearance. I do care about my appearance but I'm trying to do it in a way that's aligned with who I am and what I [00:18:00] believe in and I believe that I'm 44 and it's okay to look 44, whatever that means.
And it's okay to look 44 and Kind of feel young and you might think well, I don't I don't feel 44. So I don't look 44 Okay, like that's cool. Like fine I just think it's important to understand where that comes from and why? Why we think that why we want to look different right because we have been told that looking 44 is not okay or 54, 64, 74 right keep on going.
It's not okay that you're not attractive that you need to look younger and And I just think that it's, we have to know where that pressure and that messaging is coming from and acknowledge that it exists. This is not an inherent thing that we are born with. We are told that we need to look different.
We are told that we need to look younger. And Lauren mentioned this last week and it really hit me. She's like, When I. Have negative thoughts about how I look or how I [00:19:00] feel. I try to think about who is that benefiting and where is it coming from, right? It's someone else. It's not me. It's someone else who is making money or who is profiting off of that.
And that is a hundred percent true, right? The beauty anti aging industry is a beauty. billion dollar plus industry, right, for a reason. And marketing and sales can be very, very powerful. And so this is why I come back to being very much in alignment with your values and having your internal skills to rely on, because there is no end to the things that we can do to change our appearances.
There is no end, literally, between, you know, what we Medications, and surgeries, and injections, and treatments, right? It goes on and on and on. So where, how do you know? How do you know? Just one more injection here. Could we lift that? Can I flip this lip? Can I get rid of this line? Can I fill this? If I just didn't have this belly, if I didn't have this cellulite on my thighs, right?
If [00:20:00] my teeth were a little straighter or a little whiter, right? If my eyelashes were a little darker, a little longer, where does it end? Where does it end? It could go on forever. And that's a really shitty place to be, to feel like what is the next thing that's going to make me feel like I look better?
And this is something that I think about, and I struggle with, and I think that's also part of a big reason why I haven't done anything to my face, is because I think it's a very slippery slope. Very slippery slope. Um, and then the maintenance that comes with it, and there's just so much to it. Um, Because it really is unlimited.
Things we can change are unlimited. So how do you know when is it enough? I don't think it ever really is. There's always something that we are going to look at and want to change about our appearance. And those resources are out there. And so if you can afford them, right, how do you know when to stop?
And if you can't, you can't. And then it's like, well, I know I can't do that. It's not even an option. So what [00:21:00] do I do? Either way, in any circumstance, we need those internal skills. We have to be able to find that self worth and that validation and that peace from within. And so really that's what this is about.
That's why when I talked about my relationship with food and my body and how far it's come, but then I'm still doing the work. Right. Like I still look at my face and I see lines and I'm like, oh, like I love how some of that looks, but I also don't feel comfortable doing something to change it. Um, and having those internal skills is just so, so important.
And so I just wanted to share with you like where I'm at, how I think about these things, what I struggle with, what I think about, where my brain goes, so that you know you're not alone. Again, that's always my, my objective with this podcast. So that you know that you are not alone in the stuff that you are thinking and struggling with.
Um, because connection is the antidote to shame. And when you know that someone else is experiencing or thinking even one thing that you are, it feels better. So I feel like I've talked a lot. I'm gonna stop talking. [00:22:00] Um, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. And, uh, I'll be back next week.
And, uh, that's it.