episode 172: can we stop using this word to talk about clothes?
Hello friends!
Episode 172 of The Diet Diaries covers yet another topic around body confidence: what does the word “flattering” really mean?
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over recent months after a convo with a friend and why it's so tied to making us look thinner or hiding certain parts of our bodies. It's sparked some thoughts on how we could shift our perspective to embrace clothes that simply make us feel great - because isn't that what actually matters?
Here are some questions I talk through today around body image issues and body confidence:
What does "flattering" mean to you? Is it about feeling good, or is it tangled up in looking a certain way?
Can we find a way to compliment ourselves and others without focusing on body size or shape?
Why do we hold onto certain narratives about what we can or cannot wear based on our bodies?
In this episode, I share a personal take on why I believe that if something fits well, feels comfortable, and you absolutely love it, it's inherently flattering - no caveats needed. Plus, a little nudge to challenge those deeply engrained stories we tell ourselves about our bodies and fashion.
Listen to episodes 171 and and 165 for more support with body image issues and body confidence.
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172
[00:00:00] Hey friends, welcome back to episode 172 of the Diet Diaries. Um, I'm recording this episode a couple weeks in advance. Because of our spring break timing, so as of today, it's Monday, March 18th. This is going to come out on Monday, April 1st, um, and we will be on our spring break in Charleston, South Carolina.
So kind of the weird thing about these podcasts is, also I just realized I wasn't talking into the microphone that whole time, um, I have a new computer set up and just realized the microphone was all the way over to the side, so hopefully you heard all that to begin with. And The sound is better now.
It's funny that there's like a weird like time warp thing that happens with the podcast because the delay between when I record and when they get published, especially if there's usually it's only a week gap, but this is a longer one. So anyway, I'm gonna keep this one short today. Um, I wanted to talk about something that came up with a friend of mine in conversation at this [00:01:00] point, probably a month ago.
And it's something I've seen like everywhere, people kind of talking about a particular word that we use to talk about clothes. And that is the word flattering. And like, what does that mean? And is it a good thing or is it a bad thing? And like, is that something we want? Do we care about it? Like, what is the deal?
Um, because I think what's starting to, to, we're starting to realize is that the word flattering. The connotation behind it has been that makes you look thin, that makes you look smaller, um, that hides the parts of your body that are, you don't, quote, want to see, and it accentuates or highlights the parts of your body that you do want to see.
And I think there's just an interesting conversation here. I don't know that there's anything, again, that's good or bad. It's about why are we using this language and what does it mean? And like, what, what, like, so flattering is like subjective. It's a totally [00:02:00] subjective term, right? Those jeans are blue.
That top is white. factual objective. Whether something is flattering is subjective. And, you know, our opinions of what we like and what we dislike vary. I mean, that's why there's different clothing styles and different senses of fashion and style and all of this. Um, and I just think it's an interesting conversation because what does it mean, right?
If I put on a pair of jeans, What does it mean for them to be flattering? Um, does that mean they make me look thin? And why do I care about that? Does it mean they hide or diminish parts of my body that I think are too big? And why do I care about that? Um, why, like, why does it matter if something is flattering?
What if it was more about, like, that looks great on you, or you look beautiful in that color, or that outfit looks so comfortable, or just like, I like your top, right? This isn't about not complimenting or not commenting on what someone is wearing. It's about why you're doing [00:03:00] it, right? And maybe flattering could be, oh that just like, um, you know, highlights kind of like your natural coloring, right?
Like some colors we put on and they kind of wash us out, and some colors we put on and they like make us look like really vibrant. Could it be something around that? It could be. I just think that the connotation, I think the way that the word flattering has always been used, is around body, size and shape.
And about looking smaller, about looking thinner, about looking like the more ideal shape. I think that's the word, that's the way that we've always used that word. And that's why I do think it's an important conversation. Because you've heard me talk about this before, I will die on this, I will fall on this sword, I will die on this hill, all of those like little euphemisms.
What matters when you are buying clothes and getting dressed are these three things. It fits. I like it. It's comfortable. And then to me, in my brain, inherently, if an item of clothing fits, it's comfortable and you like it, it is [00:04:00] inherently going to be flattering and flattering in a way and that it just looks great on you.
Because you will feel great in it. And when you feel great in a piece of clothing, you give off a totally different vibe. You carry yourself differently. You feel different. It's just different. You know what I mean, right? If you're wearing a pair of jeans that are like too tight, or like weird, or cut you here, or coming up your crotch, or pushing your belly, or like whatever, it affects your behavior.
It affects your movement. You get distracted, right? Whereas if you're wearing a pair of jeans that fit, that are comfortable, and that you love, you are like, hell yeah, I'm here. I am present. I'm enjoying this. I know. I feel good. I look good. I'm comfortable. I'm not thinking about my clothes. I'm not getting distracted.
And then so inherently it becomes flattering. And again, flattering not being, do those genes make me look smaller? Just how do those genes fit my body, right? How does clothing fit your body? Cause this is never about our bodies [00:05:00] being the problem. It's about finding clothing that works for our size and shape.
And it's hard, right? Because you've got so much individuality and so much diversity in bodies and then clothing is just like, Right? So this is where things like tailoring can come into play, is what role, what can that do for you? And I am not someone who tailors clothes, right? So I'm talking as much to myself as always with these podcasts as I am to whoever's out there listening.
Um, it's like maybe you find a great pair of jeans that fit great in the butt and great in the thighs, but they're too big in the waist. Can you have them taken in or vice versa, right? I was just somewhere I heard this It's like fit the jeans to the largest part of your body and then have everything else taken in, right?
Because I think it's generally much easier to take things in than it is to let things out just because there's not always enough fabric um, and so I really this is just kind of a Let's pay attention. Let's start to notice When and how and why are you using the word flattering and when you use it, what does [00:06:00] it mean to you?
Is that the only way that you can think about clothing on your own body or on someone else's body? Are there other words? Are there, is there other language that you can use to compliment yourself and or someone else? Um, again, that looks great on you. I love your top. It looks so pretty. Um, I love that color.
Um, you know, that's such like a cool neckline. Um, I love the wash of those jeans. Um, you know, there's so many different ways to, to compliment someone's appearance. Flattering, again, I think, I think it can mean many things. I think we can work to redefine it, but I think where we are right now doesn't mean you can't use the word.
I just think, again, always with these podcasts, it's about bringing awareness and getting you to think and pay attention, right? It's not a bad word. It's not that you can't use it. Why are you using it? What does it mean when you say that? What does it mean? And so really, this is ultimately about [00:07:00] Can you compliment yourself and other people on how they look without it being about their size and shape?
Right? And when it comes to clothing, there are many, there's many ways to do that, right? You can just say you look great in that, right? Because when someone is wearing an outfit that fits, that's comfortable, they like, they do look great in it. Inherently, naturally, that's what happens. So I think if we start to focus more on those kind of like three checkpoints, it fits, I like it, it's comfortable.
Then it's like flattering whatever, right? Those are the things that matter. Those are the things that we can take action on. And inherently then we're going to feel good. We're going to look good. We're going to give off a different vibe. We're going to show up differently. And I think that's what really matters.
Um, and I think this also speaks to like the whole thing around, well, I can't wear that. I don't have the body for that. I don't have the arms for that. Like I can't wear shorts because of my legs. I can't wear sleeveless shirts because of my arms. Right? All of [00:08:00] that, that's all, those are all stories, those are all narratives, those are not factual statements.
They're beliefs that we have, that we have been taught, that we have learned over time, yes. But the work around this is to start to question those statements, question those stories. Where is that coming from? Is that actually true? What if you love sleeveless shirts? I have to sneeze. Excuse me. What if you love sleeveless shirts?
What if it's really hot? What if you find one that's really cute? And you're telling yourself this story, well, I don't have the arms for that, right? And you hold up your arm and you flap the bottom of your arm. Everyone's arm flaps on the bottom, right? It's loose. There's, there's muscle, there's tissue, there's fat, there's skin.
Like it's going to flap. No one's arm is rock solid unless they're like flexing it. And it is normal to have fat on your arms, right? Most women you're not going to see like that defined muscle in the arm, unless they are doing [00:09:00] a lot of strength training. That's how you get that look. Newsflash, spoiler alert, and I will tell you it's not by lifting little tiny three pound weights.
That's not how you grow muscle. And that look that you're talking about comes with lifting heavier weights and actually growing the muscle. And then over time, it does require like, and a lot of this genetics plays into a lot of this, But there has to be less body fat on top to see the muscle, right? This is just science.
This isn't like, this is just science. This is just how the human body works. All that said, um, questioning the narrative around, you know, I'm too short to wear wide leg jeans. Um, you know, I don't have the arms for a sleeveless top. I don't have the legs for shorts. Um, I don't have the belly for a crop top, right?
All of these things. And again, crop tops? Like, all of this. I can't wear a belt because I don't have a small waist, right? These are things I've said to myself. These are the narratives in the stories that we have. [00:10:00] That's not flattering on me because X, Y, Z. Now, you know, and I think like, and I think some people will disagree.
I think some people will solicit this and say, well, you know, certain clothing, certain clothing shapes does look better on certain body types. Types and shapes and sizes. And again, I think that is subjective. I think we tend to think that, Oh, someone who's like tall and very thin can wear anything they want and this shape looks great on them, But someone who's shorter and carries, you know, more body fat around their hips and their thighs, they can't wear that.
This is all subjective opinion. And you can agree, you can disagree, you can have your opinions. Again, the point of this is to start questioning why you think that, where does that come from. And if you really love an item of clothing, Like, wear it. Give yourself the space to wear it. Versus seeing it on a hanger and saying, Oh my god, I could never wear that.
If you love [00:11:00] it, try it on. See what happens. You might be surprised. Um, if it fits and it's comfortable and you like it, and it's not something that you would have, like, picked up automatically because you would have had a story around it, see what happens. Give yourself permission to try. And C, um, order it online and bring it home, right?
Like, that's, most shopping is happening online anyway, so you've got the privacy, the comfort of your own home, and your own mirrors, and your own lighting, and all of that stuff. And just remember, like, all of this is subjective, and it is, I'm not even going to say heavily influenced, it is totally, totally subjective.
controlled and dictated by what you have seen growing up, by what you see in the media. And there's still so much around this. Like you'll see in every magazine and lots of influencers and all over social media, like this cut of gene is good for this body type. This cut of gene is good for that body type.
That is all subjective opinion. Whether you like it or not, you might disagree with me, but if you really get clinical about it, those are all opinions. [00:12:00] And we need to start focusing more on what's coming from within. Then what's coming from without meaning externally what's comfortable for you. What do you like?
What fits that should be the most important thing not what someone else is telling you is Quote good or bad or appropriate or quote flattering for your body type That's an external thing that's coming Because again, it circles back to values right here. We are again What's coming from inside you? What do you like?
What fits you? What colors? What styles? What shapes do you like? What fits? What's comfortable? What do you like? Let that drive your choices versus what someone else is telling you around what's flattering for your body type. Or what body shapes wear this style gene and what body shapes wear that style gene.
Just start paying attention, start noticing the narratives you have, start noticing the stories you tell yourself, start noticing the language that you use. That is the purpose of all these [00:13:00] podcasts, especially this one. We're not trying to change anything overnight. There's nothing to be fixed here. This is about awareness.
So that we start to shift in the big picture. This is body image work, this is self confidence work, right? This is self worth work. This is, this is how these things change. They don't happen, it doesn't change by going on a diet, doesn't change by, you know, trying to look to try and shape your body into something that your body is not.
It happens by working and noticing your thoughts, learning how to respond to them and questioning the stories that you have. So that's what I've got for you today. Thank you for listening, and I will be back as always next Monday