episode 231: What you CAN do when you CAN'T control something
I recorded this one sitting in my kitchen, still practically crying, still processing—in real time.
Because when the thing you’ve been planning for 18 months looks like it’s about to get rained out, being told “you can’t control the weather” feels more like a gut punch than helpful advice.
This episode isn’t really about Ben’s Bar Mitzvah, though (ok, it’s a little about the Bar Mitzvah). It’s about what happens when we logically know we can’t control something—our weight, a craving, a body change in perimenopause—but that knowing does nothing to actually make us feel better.
So what do you do when you feel totally powerless?
That’s what this episode is about.
✏️ The list I wrote
💥 What to do with the grief
✅ And the unexpected outcome of writing down exactly what you can control—even when it changes absolutely nothing
I love this episode and hope it helps!
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231 - 6:5:25, 2.13 PM
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Diet Diaries, a podcast where we have candid, heartfelt conversations that will help you figure out what, why, and how to eat so you can feel amazing in your body because it's time to break the all or nothing mindset of yo-yo dieting, food obsession, and feeling ruled by the scale. I'm your host, body image and nutrition coach, Jordana Edelstein.
I'm so happy you're here.
Hey friends. I'm doing something a little crazy today. I'm recording the podcast in my kitchen. I don't have my mic set up, so the sound is probably not gonna be as good. And the reason I'm doing this is because I just went through something and did some work on it that I want to share with you, and I really wanted to capture it in a podcast like in real, in raw, real time.
And I didn't wanna go upstairs and set up my computer and do all that. So. Um, I had the time to do this right now, and I'm like, you know what? Let's just take advantage of this and get this [00:01:00] almost like while it's happening. And what's cool about this is this podcast is gonna air on Monday, June 9th, and Ben's Bar Mitzvah's gonna be over.
And Ben's bar mitzvah is a thing that I'm currently freaking out about because here's what's happening. Um, we are having an outdoor party. And we booked it a year and a half ago, and it's at a day camp. And, um, they do events there and it's wonderful and it's super cool. And the kids do camp for the first half.
And then we have a DJ and kind of like a dance party for the second half, kind of like in an open air covered pavilion. And it is Tuesday, June 3rd as I'm writing this. And the weather looks like shit for Saturday, right? The forecast right now says showers early on with a steady rain developing later in the day.
And it has been, the weather forecast has been getting progressively worse day by day, moving into Tuesday. And I woke up this morning hoping that it, maybe it would have shifted in the opposite direction. And in fact, it was worse than when I went to bed last night and I woke up, looked at the weather, and literally started crying at like six 30 in the morning and basically cried on and off for the next hour.[00:02:00]
Freaking the fuck out. Um, about. Why is this happening? I can't believe this. How could this be the weather forecast on every other day before and after leading up to and after? Looks great. And I'm like, how can this be the one day? Why is it gonna rain? Why is this happening? And feeling so much sadness.
And what I really realized was so much grief around what I and we had hoped for, for this day. Right? Which is a beautiful, sunny day. And yes, when you book an outdoor party, you're taking a risk. Yep. I know that. Um, but this time of year, the risk is usually somewhat low. Um. And it was worth the potential upside of, of this really cool different party, um, that really fit our family and fit Ben and all these things.
And I was just feeling so sad and so upset. And I'm texting my friends. Danny is traveling. He's away all week. I'm texting him. I'm texting my friends. I'm texting my sister-in-law, uh, because it's [00:03:00] pretty early in the morning and. You know, Danny's like, you can't control it. My sister, sister-in-law was like, my therapist would, I'm gonna tell you what it, what I would say to my therapist, you can't control this.
And I'm like, I know that. And I know that when people say that they're, they're trying to be helpful. And I know that I have said that to people many times before. And it is true. I can't control the weather. And at the same time, hearing that in a moment where you are so upset and so distraught about something.
Is not really helpful because it just almost makes you feel like more powerless. It's like, yes, I know. I can't control this. That's exactly why I am freaking out. And I logically knew that. Um, and yes, I realized that I'm freaking out about something that in the grand scheme of things, like maybe is not that important, right?
Like, but I'm also not gonna marginalize and say, well, nobody's sick, nobody's dying. Nobody. Like, because everything's all relative, right? And so I'm not gonna do that to myself. Um. And if you're thinking that as you're listening, like, okay, fine. Like that's your prerogative. Um, [00:04:00] but I've also been through a lot of hard shit in my life and I know that this is not on the same level as that, but in the moment right now, like it's a really big deal.
It's my kid's bar mitzvah. Um. And so I got on the phone with Danny and he was like, I know, because I kind of said to him, I'm like, it's really not helpful for you to say that to me. Like I know that I can't control this, but hearing that is not making me feel any better. In fact, it's actually making me feel worse.
And so this got me thinking about so much stuff around our work, which I'm gonna get to. But even before I'd gotten on the phone with him, I was like, what can I do? I was like, I need to do something. And I was like, I can sit down and I can write out a list. Of what I can control and what I can't control, because I already knew before anyone said to me.
I've been saying all week, I've been saying for months since we booked this party a year and a half ago. We've been anticipating this for a year and a half, right? There's so much buildup to this, which is part of why it's so hard. I. Um, is, I know I can't control the weather. And I'm like, okay. But just saying that over and over and over again is literally doing nothing.
It's only making me feel [00:05:00] worse. So I said to myself, what can I do? And I was like, let me think about this in the opposite way and what can I control? And so I got out my journal, which I haven't used since February, and I wrote down a list what I can control and what I can't control. And if you're watching on YouTube, I will show you.
The top list is what I can control. The bottom list is what I can't control. The topless is like four times as long as the bottomless. And I'm actually gonna read you some of these things so you can know where my head is at. Here's what I can control. I can, and this is in no particular order, right? This is just how my brain is going.
I can use extra hairspray in my hair to hold my waves. I can bring an umbrella, I can bring sandals to walk in, so I don't. Walk in my nice shoes are gonna get wet. I can talk with Adam, who's our party planner at Jeff Lake, and we can put together a detailed plan on Friday. If this is still a forecast, I can tell kids to prepare it and bring a jacket.
I can buy ponchos for the kids. I can. This is really important. Fact check. Fact check how I [00:06:00] use the weather. Right, and Danny reminded me of this on the phone, he's like, how many times have you looked at the weather and has said one thing and then it has totally changed over the course of the days? And that is very true.
Or even the day of the night before, how many times I, I look at the weather constantly. And especially when I know it's gonna rain, I look a lot because of Joey. I, I walk her four times a day outside and I'm like, well, if it's gonna rain, I just like to kind of know in my head how I'm gonna need to dress.
And there have been so many times where it said, oh yeah, you're gonna wake up and it's gonna be raining, and I've woken up and it hasn't rained. And the, whatever the weather pattern, what has shifted enough. That it, that that hasn't happened. And so do I know if that's gonna happen this weekend? I don't know.
But I do know that that has happened in the past. And I do know that relying solely on the weather forecast to decide every single action or decide how I'm gonna feel does not always pan out in terms of what the actual outcome is, right, in terms of what the actual weather is going to be. And so reminding myself of that [00:07:00] fact, checking my past experiences of using the weather was super helpful.
I can move my body because it feels good, right? I thought I was, I had planned to go to the gym this morning and work out, and I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna skip the gym. I'm not gonna go, I can't even think about it. I don't have the capacity for it. And then I'm like, no, stop. You're not gonna go to the gym because it might rain on Saturday.
Like going and move, my body is going to feel good. That's thinking about my future self. I can change the flow of the party if I need to with the adults. I can already wrote down, bring a jacket. I can give kids indoor and outdoor options if some kids wanna be outside in the rain, which some of them I know will love too, that's great.
And some kids won't, and they can have an indoor option. I can have a place to store people's umbrellas so they're not wet and annoying. And I can recognize my feelings of grief, sadness, and disappointment because two things can be true. I cannot have any control over the weather, and I can also feel all these emotions at the same time.
That's on my what I can control list. I literally just walked you through my own personal journal. Here's what's on my, I [00:08:00] can't control list the weather if kids decide not to come. That was a fear that I had this morning. What if kids decide not to come because it's raining out or how other people feel about the rain and if it impacts their enjoyment of the party?
I can't control those things. And there's more. There's more that I'm thinking of. And so I wanted to share this with you, and I'm gonna kind of stop talking about Ben's Bar mitzvah now. Because there is a lot about how our bodies respond to exercise, to food, in terms of weight loss and in terms of progress, both physical and mental, that we cannot control for so many different reasons, which I'm not even gonna get into.
And I would really say that. I think weight loss, I'm just, is probably one of the biggest ones when we lose weight, how fast we lose weight, where it comes off of, right? And I have so many times on social media and in emails talked about we can't control where weight loss comes from. So [00:09:00] let's focus on what we can control, what we're choosing to eat, how we're choosing to move, how those things make, make us feel.
And yes, that is. So more important than ever, and that's sort of what I did here. But I also wanna let you know that I feel like sometimes I've probably said things that have probably felt invalidating when I've said, well, you can't control where you lose weight from. So, and I don't think I've ever said like, so don't think about it.
Don't worry about it. I know I haven't said that, but I think that we know we can't control some of these things. And if you don't know that you can't control weight loss. Well, they said is a fact. Like you can't control how fast it happens and where it comes off of. But knowing, even knowing that logically isn't necessarily helpful.
I know I can't control the weather on Saturday and I'm still really upset about it. I still feel really frustrated. Right? You know that you can't control whether weight comes off of your belly or whether you can lose five pounds in the next two months, or like, you know. You know, you can't [00:10:00] control that, but it doesn't make you feel better about it.
It's not like, oh, I can't control this. I'm just not gonna worry about it. I'm totally cool with it. Like, no, that's not how that works. So what do we do when we know we can't control something? What do we do with that? We can't simply just say that and then think that that's like we're gonna be able to get through the situation.
No, that's not gonna happen. And so that's why I wanted to share this list. Because getting really specific and writing things down, just working through stuff in our heads sometimes feels helpful, but it's really not because putting something on paper, the act of taking something out of your brain and putting it onto paper and actually writing it starts to shift it and transform it and help it make sense.
And then it also becomes like a documentation, right? I can now go back and look at this list when my brain starts to spiral again, because it's going to a thousand times between now and when I walk into that party at four o'clock on Saturday afternoon, it is going to keep happening. And right [00:11:00] now it's Tuesday and Saturday feels light years away.
It feels so far away. Even though we've been planning this for 18 months, I can open up this journal and I can look at this list and I can use it to ground myself and say, oh, right, this is what I can control. This is what I can't control, and really focusing more on what I can control. It's really more about that.
And so that kind of brings me back to another point where it's like, well, I can't control the weather. I can't control if I'm gonna lose weight off my belly or my thighs. I can't control how fast. I can't control if the scale's gonna go down today, right? I can't control if I know if I'm going to lose weight by my vacation, right?
All these things that are, that are really challenging things for us. We never focus on what we can control. And so when I've said in the past, recognizing what you can't control, recognizing what you can control and trying to put your attention there. As I'm thinking about this more as I'm talking like, yes, that is true, but getting even more specific with that and.
Really acknowledging [00:12:00] what I can control because I guarantee you your what you can control list is gonna be way longer and way bigger than what your can't control list is. And this applies to literally any situation. This is not just about the weather for a Bar mitzvah. This is not just about food and weight loss.
This could be around a work situation or a relationship situation or a family situation or your kids or whatever it is. Because we as humans have a lot of actions and a lot of behaviors that we are capable of, which means there is a lot that we can control. And again, it doesn't mean that my brain is just going to shut off this, this, this grief, this sadness, this feeling of outta control, but it's also going to give me a way to respond to that, and it's going to give me something to do.
Right. Spiraling about something I can't control ultimately becomes very unproductive and it's gonna keep me really stuck and really trapped. So what actions can I do that are actually going to move me forward, that are going to be productive, that are going to be taking care of my future self? Right? If I walk [00:13:00] into this party on Saturday and I've just been anticipating and freaking out about rain, and it does in fact.
Rain and I have done nothing to think about how to plan for that except freak out and be sad about it. I'm gonna be screwed. That's not taking care of my future self. I do have to think about what if it does rain, what is going to happen? What can I control about this situation? Right? So it's like if you are someone who is working on your relationship with food and as part of that fat loss is part of that, right?
And you are working on, let's say. Um, pausing when you're having a craving and you are working on increasing protein and you are working on, um, going for a walk three times a week, and you are noticing that some of those things, you are still feeling like really obsessed with snacks in the cabinet, right?
And that is feeling really out of control and really crappy, and you're like. I'm doing these things, what's not working? It's like, okay, well the rate at which our brain changes is sometimes not, sometimes is always out of our control, right? You might respond [00:14:00] really well to certain skills and you can start to feel a shift, and some skills might not have the same impact, right?
And so the feeling of still feeling like really outta control around food and grabbing for snacks constantly feels really shitty. And you're like, why is this happening? Why is this happening? And so it's like, well, what can I do? What other skills can I work on? How can I approach this skill differently?
What can I do versus what can't I control? It's like the cans versus the can't. I had a client once who said this to me, and it's really stuck with me where she said, she's like, the question I always wanna check in with myself is, what can I do? There are so many situations where we can't control things.
You go on vacation and like. You don't know what the food is gonna be, right? Or you're traveling for work and you don't have access to things. Or, um, you wake up one morning and you're sick and you can't do your workout or your kid is sick, or, um, you know, these are just things that are coming to my head.
So what can I do? Because what I can do is going to put you in the driver's seat. It's [00:15:00] going to make you more action oriented. It's gonna make you more forward thinking. It's gonna make you more inclined to take care of your future self. The cans versus the cans. And so I wanted to share this with you and kind of take responsibility for when, if and when.
There have been times where I have said things around this concept of, well, you can't control that, and you have felt invalidated and you've been like, thanks short, Anna. I know that that's not helpful. I take responsibility for saying that and I apologize and. I wanted to share something really specific that you can do when you are feeling out of control.
What I did to work through this today. Right? And I'm not, I'm not now all like, yay. I'm, I'm cool. Like I'm good. But I do feel better. I do feel more grounded. I'm not, I don't have that feeling of like losing it and like my emotions are just like gushing outta me. I literally felt like a, a toddler having a tantrum.
I literally wanted to lay on the ground and smack and pound my fists on the floor. That is literally what I wanted to do [00:16:00] because this situation felt so out of my control. There was nothing that I could do. Well, what there, but there are things I can do. I can't change the weather pattern, but there's a shit ton of other stuff that I can do around that, that give me agency, that give me autonomy, that let me impact certain pieces of the situation.
And that I'm gonna say is always true, right? Even when there are things happening that are completely out of your control, whether it be around. Whether or illness or work, or someone else's behavior or actions, there are always things that you can do to take care of your future self, to take care of other people in your life that are focused on your actions that will have an impact on you.
And sitting down and writing that out is huge. I'm not a big journaler, but I will tell you that. I was like, I have to write this down. I have to get this clear. And again, I'm repeating myself, but now I also [00:17:00] have this list written out. And that becomes a tool for me that becomes a resource for me to look back at.
Whereas if I'm sitting here in my head just trying to rattle off like, oh, okay, well I can use extra hairspray and I can talk to the DJ about stuff and I can pack ponchos. I'm gonna forget all that. It's not gonna mean anything. And then it becomes so much work to recite that back. Now it's like, oh, where's my list?
I'm freaking out. I need to look at my list. So your cans versus your cans getting really specific, writing them down and allowing yourself to feel those feelings. Whatever those feelings are that you have around the thing, you can't control. That's okay, right? Like that is, that is feel the grief, feel the sadness, feel the disappointment that can exist alongside you working on your cans.
Those two things can coexist. You don't have to choose, you don't have to ignore how you feel and be positive and silver line. I'm not gonna fucking silver line this. I'm not gonna do that. And I'm [00:18:00] not gonna marginalize or minimize how I feel about it because it's about a party and not about something like life or death.
I'm not gonna do that either. Um, I'm gonna let it be what it is and I'm gonna let myself feel those feelings. And I'm also going to take care of myself in the way that I know I need to take care of myself and letting myself just spiral in that is not, it is not only it, okay? I've never done this before.
But I just, I stopped recording obviously 'cause I'm adding this on and I realized there was something really specific I wanted to mention. I thought of it earlier and I didn't make any notes for this podcast so I forgot. And that is around menopause weight gain, right? This super specific, but so many women I talk to and so many women I have worked with have struggled with this.
And I am mentioning it because it's kind of at the top of the list of something that we don't have control over, right? It's a biological process that happens, right? And it affects different women differently, and you don't know if it's gonna affect you until it's happening, right? I have not gone through it [00:19:00] yet.
I don't know if it's gonna affect me or not. Um, but it's one of those changes that so many women, it happens what it feels like almost overnight, that either you gain weight or where you carry your body fat shifts. And either way it feels totally unfamiliar, totally uncomfortable, and it feels like you haven't changed anything about how you're eating or exercising, and yet your physical body has changed.
And you were like, what the fuck? And it is such a good example of something that we cannot control. And at the same time, knowing that you can't control it doesn't feel better. I think in some ways it almost makes you feel worse because you realize you can't control it. And it's like, I, now I'm spiraling because I know that I can't control how and why this has happened.
I. And so that's when it becomes even more important to figure out what can I control? Are those things going to impact that weight gain? Maybe, maybe not, right? It's my list of stuff gonna impact the weather. It most definitely is not going to impact the weather. There is nothing I can do that's gonna impact the weather, but those [00:20:00] things are gonna impact how I show up that day.
And figuring out what you can do when you've gained weight during perimenopause, menopause, post menopause, wherever you are, is going to help you show up. While that is happening again, is it going to change? Is it going to take away your belly fat? Is it gonna help you lose 10 pounds? It could potentially help you lose weight.
We don't know. Is it going to change where that weight comes off of? No. Right? That's not something we can control, but it's going to help you show up. It's going to help you be. The kind of person that you want to be while that is happening, right. This is another, this is really two things can be true.
Something can be happening in your body that you can't control, and you also have autonomy and agency over the actions that you take while that is happening. Um, right. Again, like the perfect analogy, I can't control the weather and what I. The things I can control aren't going to impact the weather, right?
The things you can control, how you eat, um, how you strength train, [00:21:00] how you move your body, how you talk to yourself at any time, especially during perimenopause, menopause, they're not going to directly impact the fact that you now have belly fat and you never had belly fat before, or that you've gained 15 pounds seemingly overnight.
Um. Again, it may impact, it could help you lose weight over time. But what it's going to impact is other parts of how you feel in your body, right? And the way exercise impacts mental health and the way you feel when you eat certain foods. And the concept of. Self-care and taking care of yourself, and how are those actions lining up with that?
Right? So the things you can control are not going to directly impact the thing that you can't control. So we can't look for necessarily a relationship there. Um, sometimes they will, sometimes they won't, but they are gonna have an impact in their own right, in their own space and sometimes as a side effect.
They might, certainly not in my situation, they're not going to. Right. So these are not exact parallels In [00:22:00] certain situations, the things you can control might have an impact on the things you can't control. Um, but not always. And that's why we don't wanna kind of. Keep those things linked and really focusing on the what I can control and what are gonna be the outcomes of that.
This is, I think, kind of an important next step that I think I'm actually gonna do. How am I going to feel when I do this right? When I use extra hairspray on my hair, how am I gonna feel? Well, I'm gonna feel more at ease 'cause I know my waves are gonna stay. Right. When I, um, when I know that I can talk to the DJ about the flow of the party for the adults, I'm gonna feel more at ease.
That I know that the adults aren't gonna be just in kind of this room during the cocktail. If it rains, I know they can go up to the pavilion and start dancing and have a great time and I'm gonna feel more relaxed about that. Right? If I bring my tivas to walk in between locations, I'm gonna feel better 'cause I know that my nice shoes are not gonna get dirty.
Right. How are. The things that you can control, how are those things going to make you feel? What is going to be the outcome, whether it be a tangible [00:23:00] outcome, meaning something you are able to do, like an observable outcome, or how is it going to make you feel? That is also, I think, a super important part of this process.
And I'm sorry that, that I added this on, but I felt like it was really important. And so now I'm really gonna wrap it up and thanks for listening to me talk super fast and be super emotional and raw and real. And I just wanted to capture it in the moment. Um, I. And just thank you guys for being here.
Okay. Now I'm really done.