episode 226: let’s talk about tanning
In this episode, I’m sharing the story behind my recent foray in self-tanning (spoiler: it’s for Ben’s bar mitzvah), and the bigger conversation it sparked about how we see ourselves, especially as summer approaches.
This one goes deep into the kind of appearance-based noise so many of us live with all day long... and don’t even realize.
We’re talking about:
The pressure to be “tan enough” to wear white
Why body modification often feels like a necessity, not a choice
What it means to feel like yourself vs. trying to look “better”
How to start noticing and quieting the noise in your head about how you look
This is not a judgment on tanning or makeup or any of the things we do to change our appearance. It’s an invitation to get curious, ask why, and maybe—just maybe—loosen the grip body noise has on your life.
And if you want to book a Power Hour session to talk about body noise or anything else you're struggling with as we approach summer, just click here.
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226
[00:00:00] Hi. So I just recorded, just so you know, I just recorded this entire podcast. It was about 15 minutes long and I realized my microphone was on mute. So I am re-recording it and I am, I dunno, I didn't have a ton of time today, and now I'm like, great. I've gotta redo this. Anyway, just so you know, I'm coming in off of just having made that faux pa um.
And it was really good. It was like a really good episode and I said some really good stuff that I'm totally like not going to be able to exactly repeat, but whatever it is, what it is. Okay, first this reminds me. The first thing I wanna talk about is power hour coaching really quick. Um, is open for signups.
These are single session, one single one hour coaching sessions, right? No long-term commitment. Um, a lot more flexibility and freedom in terms of time, a financial and attention commitment. [00:01:00] And you can bring in anything. We're coming into summer right now, and so there's a lot of noise and a lot of stuff out there around.
Body stuff, clothing, food, what you should or shouldn't be eating to get ready for summer, what your body needs to look like. And a lot of this takes up a lot of space. So that could be a really helpful thing to bring into a power hour. We get together for an hour. You fill out an intake form to, to walk me through your challenges, your problems, your questions, so I can prepare.
We make the most of our hour together and you leave a very specific roadmap of two to three specific skills that you are working on. That match up exactly with your goals, your lifestyle, your history, your preferences. And then we stay in touch for a week afterwards on email to make sure that as you are putting things into practice and executing that things are working.
And if we need to adjust, we adjust. Um, so there's only link in the show notes to sign up for that. The investment's [00:02:00] $175, so there's no long-term commitment. Um, and this really just gives the flexibility and freedom to get support and work on something. Without needing to, you know, make this like a huge focal point of your life, right?
The way that kind of longer term coaching becomes like a mainstay for a while. Okay, so here's what I wanted to talk about today, which is tanning. I can't believe I'm literally repeating this podcast episode. You guys don't know this, but it's just like mind boggling to me. So I wanna talk about tanning because it's a body image thing, right?
For lack of a better term. And I had kind of this big aha moment when I was walking Joey, today I get a lot of ideas when I walk and I had one today and it links up perfectly with this podcast topic. Um, and I kept repeating it to myself over and over and over again. So when I got back from the walk, I wouldn't have forgotten 'cause I didn't have my phone.
You know the thing, like when you go to sleep at night and just as you're falling asleep, you get an idea or you remember to do something and you're like, oh, I'll remember that in the morning. [00:03:00] And then you wake up and you know that you remembered something, but you have no idea what the fuck it was. Like.
I didn't want that to happen. So this idea that popped into my head was this concept of body noise, right? We know all about food noise. I've talked about it, and the concept of food noise has become a thing since GLP one Meds have really, you know, become such a, a huge part of, of society and culture and medicine, um, where it's like this preoccupation and fixation thinking about food constantly.
Well, guess what? Body noise is also a thing, and I don't know if anyone has coined this term, but I'm kind of hoping that I'm the first, and I'm also sort of like, how has nobody talked about this? Because we have a preoccupation and fixation with constantly thinking about our bodies, right? Whether it's about losing weight, whether it's about how we look in an item of clothing, whether it's about how pale our legs are, whether it's about the lines in our face, the color of our teeth, the gray in our hair.
We are constantly thinking about what is wrong with our bodies. I would venture to say it is [00:04:00] floating around in the background, 95% of our waking hours, and so tanning. Completely is a huge, huge part of that. Um,
sorry, Ben just texted me. He needs a ride and I have to respond to him. Uh, 'cause this is real life. So tanning is a huge, huge part of that. Right. And so the reason that I wanted to talk about tanning is Ben's Bar Mitzvah is coming up June 7th. So pretty much like a month from when this podcast airs. And I have never done any type of self tanner.
I used a tanning bed when I was like 25, 26 for a friend's wedding way back in the day. Um, but since then, have not done anything. Spray tan self tanning wipes, never done any of it. And I posted a story on Instagram that a week or so ago that I was thinking about, or I had bought the Jergens, uh, natural glow, whatever it is, and everyone responded saying It's awesome.
I love it. Which just goes to [00:05:00] show how many of us like. Use these kind of products. And I was like, cool. So I've been using it and I do, I have like this kind of like very light, subtle, you know, tanned look to my skin. The reason that I wanted to do this is because it's a little bit of spoiler alert, my outfit for this service for Ben's actual bar mitzvah is all white and the outfit for the party is cream.
And we have this perception and belief that when you are wearing all whites or any white, that you look better when you are tan. Right? I know you're all thinking that as you're listening to this, right? It's just this like universal truth that we have come to believe, and maybe it is true, right? Maybe from like a.
Uh, a color story standpoint, um, it does look good, but why am I suddenly now? I wear white shorts. I've already all the time and I've already worn shorts this year, my legs have not been exposed to the sun at all. Why do I suddenly feel the need to look tan for this outfit? And as I was talking through in the first episode, I kind of [00:06:00] realized, right, 'cause I learn a lot as I'm talking through these things, I realized that.
It's because it's like I'm gonna be, it's like a quote, like quote, bad, maybe language, like high profile, meaning like. There's gonna be a lot of eyes on me, right? I'm gonna be in a lot of photos and everyone's gonna be seeing me, and I'm gonna be a focal point of attention. I'm gonna be, you know, up in front of people and seeing lots of people and people who are coming to see us and to see Ben.
And there's a thing in my brain that I want to look a certain way for that, right? Which is fine. But it's like this preoccupation with tanning. And for me it's really about when we aren't tan, when you hear people say, oh my God, I'm so pale. I can't wear that. I look like a ghost. Or, this will look so much better when I'm tan, or I won't go out where my legs look.
Pasty white. Right. And there is a, um, a, an unkind, like a, well thinking of the word, like denigrate and that's not the right word, but. We are speaking unkindly as if we are not good enough, as if we are a problem to be fixed [00:07:00] because our skin looks as it should pale when it has not been exposed to the sun for however many months.
Right? And that this is another problem to be fixed and that we will only allow ourselves to be, to wear a certain outfit, to wear a certain color unless we have made this change to our skin. And I just think that this is. Interesting and pre the tanning industry. I don't know how big of an industry it is, but like it's a big thing.
We have, there's a new self tanning place that just opened in Westfield. There are countless self tanning products on the market. You see influencers talking about them all the time. It's a thing. And in terms of. Modifying our appearance. It's pretty inexpensive and certainly completely non-invasive, right?
So I think for some people it feels like a really easy way to change up their appearance and make them feel good without having to do anything like extensive expensive or like really involved. And in some ways it's like, okay, that's really cool. [00:08:00] And so whenever I talk about these things, these body image things, what we do to our appearance.
It is never with judgment, and I hope it, I hope it doesn't come off with judgment. It is about curiosity. Is it about asking yourself, why am I doing these things? Why am I making these changes to my appearance? When I make these changes to my appearance? Am I doing them and am I feeling more like myself when I do this?
Or am I feeling, am I trying to look and feel less like myself? Because I am that unhappy with how I look that I'm trying to make such a drastic change. These are the types of questions and thoughtfulness that I'm hoping to evoke with these topics and with what I am sharing personally. Right? So like I'm, I'm on like the bandwagon.
Like I, I have a belief that like I'm wearing all whites. I'm probably gonna look better if I'm a little bit tan. Um. Now what's interesting about this is Ben bar mitzvah is in June, so like it fits in early June. It's totally possible that someone could be tan in the dead [00:09:00] of winter. When you show up at an event and you're clearly tan.
It's like, okay, well where did that come from? And again, this is not judging anyone who has done that because this is about the pressure and the expectations that have been put on us that we then in turn put on ourselves to look a certain way that we will go and get a full spray tan in the middle of January when.
The sun shines like four hours a day. So there's like a disconnect there between like what's actually happening in the world and what our body looks like. And maybe that sounds a little bit weird, but I think it just goes back to. What we are willing to do and what we do do to look a certain way and how connected or disconnected that is from like what's important to us and what is kind of realistic in a way.
Um, and again, I think this just so much comes back to. The way we talk to [00:10:00] ourselves when we don't look the way that we think we need to look and why we think the why we believe we need to look that way is kind of like a bigger question, but we do have these beliefs, but not just. Obeying them at every turn and taking them at face value, but really getting curious like, why am I doing this?
Am I doing this because this is what I think I should do? What will happen if I don't do this? What will happen if I do like a, a middle of the road version of this? Right? Like, I could have gone and gotten like a full spray tan for this and looked like really tan. Like I might after like. A big vacation or like a week at the beach or whatever, having been outside all summer.
But I'm like, that to me is not gonna feel right. One, because it's gonna obviously be not like natural, meaning it was gonna be obvious that like, I got a spray tan. Um, and because I wouldn't look that way June 7th, right? I just like wouldn't look like that and I'm not going, that's gonna make me feel less like me.
That is gonna make me feel like I'm trying to put on a look because that's like what the look is, right? If you look at like. Real [00:11:00] like real Housewives and lots of celebrities you see like go on like red carpet. You're like, oh my God, they're fucking orange. Right? Like, you know, sometimes this stuff can start to look so unnatural where it's so obvious that somebody has done something and then it's like, then you're more drawn to the fact that it looks weird.
Then it's not enhancing their appearance, it's like distracting from their appearance. And that honestly just feels like I. I feel sad, like it makes me sad that that women feel so pushed into a corner to do these things that they end up looking some way that I don't think they actually want it to look right.
No, I can assure you that no woman wants to look orange from her spray tan. It happens all the time. Um, I. Like, I've seen photos of people at weddings and bar bat mitzvahs. Like people I know were like friends of friends and I'm like, oh my God, it just did not come off well. And I'm sure they look at the photo and they're like, oh my God, that does not look good.
That's not, that was not my intent. Whereas maybe if they hadn't even done that in the first place, they might've actually felt better about their appearance. Right? So it's like I'm trying to be really thoughtful and mindful about the [00:12:00] changes, what I'm doing to my appearance for Ben's Bar Mitzvah. I'm getting my hair done.
I am getting my makeup done. Um. I loved actually doing my hair and my makeup, and I've gotten pretty good at it, but I don't wanna have to worry about it. I want it to feel a little bit special. I want it to last. Um, but I want it to look like me. Like I'm basically gonna do my hair the way I always do it, and I'm gonna do my makeup or have my makeup done similar to how I do it.
I'm not gonna do crazy contour and winged eyeliner and like a giant, giant strips of lashes. Like, that's not me. That's gonna take me further away from myself. Now. Someone else might be like, oh my God, I wanna be totally, totally glam. Right? And that's subjective. It means something different for everyone.
But again, what I'm, what I hope that this does is, gets you thinking about why you make changes to your parents that you make, and specifically when it comes to tanning. Why do you do that? What do you, what? What is it? How is it making you feel? Are you doing it in a way that feels kind of like natural and authentic [00:13:00] to you?
Do you like the way that it looks? Um, just so that you're really engaged and you're present and you're paying attention and you're doing it with thoughtfulness and intention and this, these are things I'm working on. That's why I'm talking about this, right? This all started because I'm wearing a white outfit and my brain told me I needed to have some type of a tan in order to wear that.
Right. So I am in this, doing this right alongside you, and as I share these ideas and thoughts and stories and I ask these questions, they're as much for myself as they are for you. So. Just know that we're doing this together, um, and start to notice the way that tanning and hair coloring and teeth whitening and the lines on your face and the hair on your legs and the stretch marks on your belly and the color of your eyes, and the.
The length of your eyelashes and all of these things we can modify, like the noise that goes on in your head because of it, how often you look in the [00:14:00] mirror and I'm imagining like, like shuffling, like a deck of cards, like how fast the cards move, like how many thoughts like that flash through your brain about your appearance, right?
That is body noise. And so tanning is a part of that. And as we are coming now into the summer months where we are naturally wearing less clothes, temperatures are warmer, and there's all the stuff about summer body and food and working out and all this shit. What is happening to that noise, right? This could be a potentially really helpful topic to talk about in a power hour, and I'm gonna talk more about that.
Um. But love to just start introducing and working through this idea of body noise. And it just worked out that this kind of brainchild came to me as I wanted to talk about this tanning thing. So, um, I feel like I captured everything. I'm sure there's things I said in the first podcast that I missed on this one and vice versa, and it kind of just is what it is.
I think the last thing I just wanna make sure I capture. Is, is [00:15:00] just being aware when we have shame and we try to cover up our body because it doesn't look a certain way. Right. And we do that a lot with like, if I'm, I'm so pale, I'm so pasty, I'm so white, I can't wear that. Um, and just noticing the language that we use to talk to ourselves around these things.
Is there a way to flip that language and say, I don't know, I, it's just notice, right. Um, because the way that we talk to ourselves. We're listening all the time, and I, I'm, you know, people, people say that it's kind of like a, maybe a cliched thing, but just notice, pay attention, be aware. Um, and that's really it.
I'm gonna wrap it up. Thank you for listening. Thanks for being here. Always. I appreciate you and more soon.